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What do I do when it isnt another woman?

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WrongedYetAgain posted 9/19/2013 06:50 AM

If this needs to go somewhere else, please let me know. I don't know where else to go.

We have been together for over half my life. He is an amazing provider, loving, caring, everything I could ever want. I am able to be a SAHM to our 4 children. Just a good life.

He drinks but not a ton and it is not a huge deal to me. He has been working out of town and I just found out he has been snorting pills for back pain. I am so heartbroken. This is a deal breaker for me. In my mind this is the same as putting a needle in your arm. Not ok at all.

This is not the first time. This is probably the 5th time since we have been together. I found out when a straw fell out of his pants, I got curious and snooped. I have made ultimatums in the past, none worked so why bother. He is an amazing father, husband and provider in every other way. I can't get past this though. I dont trust him. This happens about every 2 years.

I just don't know what to do. I just need to vent and maybe a little advice.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am sorry for others who are struggling with much greater issues as well.

seekingright2013 posted 9/19/2013 07:14 AM


So sorry you are going through this. Have you thought about going to al-anon?? They have great support and resources for those who have loved ones with addiction problems.

The common thread I've seen on SI -- focus on you, on being as healthy as you can be. ((((Hugs to you))))

AFrayedKnot posted 9/19/2013 09:20 AM

I am an addict. I have been clean for 9 years. By clean I mean: NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL, NO SEX outside my Relationship.

Addiction is a disease that you can never fully understand unless you have it. Even therapists and councilors don't really get it.

Addiction is an obsessive/compulsive disorder, where the tick is self. Addicts cant think of anything, say anything, or do anything that doesn't revolve around themselves. They have a hole in there gut, or a sense of dis-ease, that there is something incomplete with them inside. They obsessively search for something that will fill that hole and make them complete: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, food, sports, work, money, you name it. These things work for a short period of time, then the guilt sets in and the hole grows. This is where the cycle of compulsion starts. "Whats next? I need more!!!"
Most addicts I know are sensitive, loving, caring people. They dont want to hurt anyone but that need to fill themselves and the guilt from doing it is so overpowering that they cant stop.

I have found freedom from this vicious cycle ONLY through vigilant 12 step work in a 12 step fellowship. My priorities in order are:
1. 12 Step Fellowship
2. Relationship/Family
3. Work
In any other order I will eventually destroy everything around me.

I am also in a relationship with an addict. The last six years have been a cycle of relapses and A. For her the addiction was the reason (not excuse) for everything. That is her story and I will let her tell it. DDAY was Black Friday 2011 and TT until 9/11/12, when the whole truth came out.

We are in R. We are working vigilantly on R from many different angles. "THE DEAL BREAKER" for me would be lack of 12 step work on her part. If that stops so does the R. I know from my experience and the experience of many others, that It Works...

^^^This is something I wrote in R'ing with an Addict in the I Can Relate forum just about a year ago.

This site mainly focuses on Affair betrayals. In my opinion betrayal is betrayal is betrayal and addiction is addiction is addiction. They are all related in cause and effect. You might find a lot of support in the ICR forum in the threads For Those who Love an Alcoholic and R'ing with an Addict.

In my story with my fWS, I did not know of her affair betrayals for years. Every couple of years there was another let down. Drug relapses, a job firing for stealing, a financial betrayal. In between things would start looking up and my hope would build. Eventually though it would all come crashing back down because the root causes were never addressed. It finally took Dday and the affair betrayals for me to be done. It was the giant straw that broke the camels back. It was also that straw for her. She threw herself into a 12 step fellowship and IC and has been working her ass off ever since. The growth and change I have seen in her has been amazing. She is addressing those root issues!!!

As far as your H....Is there anyway to put together an intervention? Can you get him into a treatment facility? Can you encourage him to attend and participate in 12 step meetings?

As for you...Are there any al-anon or nar-anon meetings in your area? Can you go to an IC? Please read and post here and in the ICR threads and seek support. There are many many of us who deal with multiple betrayal and addiction issues.

RyeBread posted 9/19/2013 09:35 AM

I am dealing with an unfaithful spouse as well as her drug/alcohol addiction.

I think the loss of trust, as well as the manipulation and selfishness on the addicts part are very similar.

I don't know what advice or insight to give other than you need to focus on you at this point. You can't do much for an addict until they want to help themselves. If you do you only stand to lose who you are and end up feeling empty and exhausted.

There is a thing we call the 180 here. It may help you put that focus back on you where it belongs. It's about taking care of yourself when your partner is self absorbed.

It can be found here (#11):

1Faith posted 9/19/2013 09:41 AM

I am sorry you are here. Is your husband at all open to counseling?

If he is willing to get help and address this problem and himself do you feel that your marriage is worth saving?

This happens about every 2 years.

Gently, are your sure? These are only the times that you have caught him.

Be strong and know that we care.

Many hugs and prayers.

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