SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

noglamour posted 9/19/2013 08:05 AM

It's been almost 2 months since DDay and we are living separately.

She does not want me touching her. I hope I will be able to hold her hand, hold her, hug her again.

I'm respecting her boundaries but is difficult.

1Faith posted 9/19/2013 10:20 AM

Be patient and kind.

Acknowledge her hurt and apologize for putting her in the place of such pain.

Reassure her that you'd take it all back if you could and promise to never hurt her again.

You will have to do this many, many times as the core of her being has been torn away. You have to help rebuild it.

One day a time. Show her how sorry you are and how much you care.

Good luck. Prayers.

Jrazz posted 9/19/2013 17:14 PM

It's definitely difficult.

Keep up the respectful behavior and be proud of yourself for the work you are doing. It may not look like a big benefit now but you are working on YOU while you do it, and that's a good thing.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 9/20/2013 23:14 PM

It's early, but time matters. Remember time doesn't heal, what you do with the time is what counts. My divorce was final this week, not even a year after dday. She quit counseling because she said she didn't need it, she spent most of her time blaming me, she at one point told me if I wasn't going to get over it, she might as well stop apologizing. It helps to understand from a BS point of view exactly what you're up against, not to beat you down, but to help you strategize. You've already dug yourself the deepest hole you possibly can, so any questions she asks, don't think you're doing her a favor by not answering. Most BS's know much much more than you realize, so some questions are an attempt to find out what they need to know, others are truth tests. You broke her trust, so if you gaslight, or trickle truth, or flat out omit, she'll know. And that's another nail in the coffin for sure. I knew she had started the affair before she told me, she said it was after she said we were done and she had someone else. Lie. She said she never slept with him at work. Lie. And so on. Better to tell the truth, live in the truth, and be as forthcoming as you can. She will want you to live in truth.

Second, there's all the evidence in the world that those who survive infidelity as a couple do so because the WS was intensely committed to making it work. 95% of the work, particularly in the early stages is on you. Her only role is to be open, and if she's not, do not judge, do not get harsh, just understand, for some people infidelity is pure and simple a deal breaker. That's her choice now, not yours. You did make your choice, unfortunately, and it sounds like you really regret it. Good for you!

Don't confuse this with marriage and the commitment you shared. Do the hard work now, because you were the person who caused all the damage. It's only fair. She's devastated. She has the right to be angry, to vent, to call you on the carpet, to remind you of the affair, to bring up OW name mockingly, etc. But you own the recovery now. Be proactive. It's not flowers and poems. It's a heartfelt project plan. If you're a businessman, you know what I mean. Write out your goals and how you'll accomplish each one. You should have 50 goals to regain her trust, and daily check off your milestones. So for instance, handing her the cell phone, with your password, and installing a SMS forwarding tool so any text message you send automatically goes to her email box. Give her the passwords to everything, facebook, twitter, etc. Write out the no contact letter to the OW and define the boundaries. Give it to your wife, let her rip you apart and change what she asks for. She's more important than the OW's feelings, right?

Third, get into intense counseling for yourself now, and if she's willing do marriage counseling. If you work with OW, find another job asap. If you can't, tell your wife you're actively looking and if you can find something, even if it's less money, you'll take it, so she knows you're committed. Back to counseling. Ask every question in the book to the counselor. Write it out. Make sure you bombard her or him with questions and ask for concrete strategies to overcome your issues. Don't fool yourself into thinking they'll hand it to you on a plate. You get what you put into every interaction, so if you're passive and waiting for the world to magically give you the answer, you'll fail.

Fourth, and this is a tough one. You will have to accept that you will forever have this as part of your relationship. If you can reconcile, and I'll say my prayers for you and her, just know that it isn't one week, one month, one year, it's a long long time before you'll go days or weeks or months even without talking about it. She will now and for a long period (and I mean years here) have triggers that will make her cry, get angry, look at you with hatred, etc. I sought out couples who survived and other people who didn't so I would know what I faced, in every case, those who stayed together still talk about it as the most significant moment in their marriage, and many of them after sharing with me admitted later that just talking about it again brought up a lot of hurt. Some BS's will never fully trust again, so even a trip to the grocery store will get you the odd look or puzzled question.

Finally, commit. Even the smallest promise is Mt. Everest to your BS. One of the things I've truly enjoyed in my healing process has been coming to this very forum, for well over 7 months, and reading what the WS's are writing. Why? Because it does make me think that even though my situation didn't work out, there are committed, decent people who have made horrible decisions. While I can say with all the pride in the world I have not cheated, nor will I, it still helps me understand that some people can be remorseful for their mistakes, and are willing to work hard to fix themselves and change. Do that work. It's intensely hard. The easy thing is to give up and move on for you. For her, she's in a spot where she didn't ask for it, didn't want it, and is the most harmed human in the world. Begging doesn't hurt, giving up some control doesn't hurt, being a betrayed spouse hurts like no other hell on earth.

Best of luck to you. I wish you well. But the moment you feel exhausted by your efforts, pull up your bootstraps, and try harder. The toughest thing in the world is to look in the mirror and change what you really are, grow and become someone you can be proud of again.

Oh, and don't ever talk about another woman's figure, look, or qualities in front of her again. It's all about her now.

noglamour posted 9/22/2013 07:16 AM

GMLB,

Thank you for detailed reply. You are 100% right, I have dug the deepest hole in my life and broke her trust. I have told her everything and will continue to answer her questions. She doesn't ask anymore specific questions. I think we have discussed it all.

When I'm at the house I leave my cell phone facing up and she knows the code unlock it. I did what you suggested about FB. I emailed her my password. I did change it 3 weeks ago because I was angry. FB is stupid and I should just delete the account. She does have access to our Verizon so she can she my call history and text message history.

I have already started counseling and have my 4th session in the next week. I don't work with OW. I chatted online with 2 OW. I have not had any contact since May and will never be in contact with either again.

I agree with your fourth point, this is something that will always be a part of our relationship. I will do whatever it takes.

Thank you again for your post.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 9/22/2013 08:38 AM

Good luck NG. You're taking the right steps.

And believe me, I was a BS, and if you delete your FB account that will just be one more feather in your cap from her perspective. I deleted mine on the advise of counsel, even though I never had anything even remotely resembling an A, or EA, or even flirtation. What I found was it was and is liberating. The time and energy you put into FB should all be poured into your W.

Best of luck...stay positive.