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cluless posted 9/19/2013 10:58 AM

I'm on Day 19 of D-day and it looks there may be more lies. Yesterday I was so depressed, I just slept. I started to get sick, I guess because I haven't eaten or the Crohn's is flaring. Being honest, I became suicidal and I just felt like I have no more strength. The pain is absolutely unbearable.

I guess my son heard my husband yelling at me calling me selfish if I'm going to check out and leave my kids. He came in and said "I'd like to talk to her." He was crying and held me, he said "we all love you, all your friends love you, you have to fight this, I need you." I agreed to keep going.

My son was diagnosed on my sons BD 9/17 that he had epilepsy which came as a shock. I can't even drive to him to hold him. I'm trying to pull myself together but I'm filled with rage and pain. I've journal-ed, read everything I can put my hands on and it still comes down to the same thing, I can't trust my husband. The man I "thought" he was turns out to be some kind of a monster. One that can have sex with this tramp, and then sit next to me like nothing is going on. Again on journaling, I knew he was having an affair, I wrote about it 3 separate times, then I just said "I give up, the marriage is over." So I focused on healing after another re-section, hemorrhaging, and obstruction. (yes he was with her). I found out yesterday he had sex with her for the first time THREE days after my BD :-( Then the next time, ONE day before our anniversary.

I figured I would deal with it after I got better,which ultimately I did, never in a million years did I expect him to take up with his old girlfriend. Telling her over and over again how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, how smart, etc. He never spoke to me like that, is there really a way to forgive this or am I just kidding myself? Is there a way to trust somebody, actually the ONLY person in my life that I actually did trust? Yes I have MC appt. on Saturday.

Hopeless in San Diego

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 9/19/2013 11:11 AM

((((cluless))))

I went through almost 3 years of finding out lie after lie. He just left again last week...considering he told me the lie of reconciliation.

I am still trying to find my inner strength. The more you focus on yourself and your kids, the less you beat yourself up over. A man is no reason to end your life!!!

tushnurse posted 9/19/2013 11:58 AM

(((Clueless))))

You absolutely have to put yourself first in this. You can't risk the constant pain and struggle you are in. You know what it will do to your health.

I say follow the MC appointment with an appointment with an attorney. Your H is a selfish ass who continues to lash out at you at your most broken. Poor punkin can't handle giving you the love and attention you need because he crushed your soul. Fine. FTG. Seriously. dig deep behind all those scars is a strong, strong woman, who probably has an amazing pair of bitch boots buried deep in her closet. Time to pull them out, dust them off, and heal from this, just like you would a surgery. Who knows when this stress is removed from your life, your disease may improve too.

((((and strength))))

Hope2B posted 9/19/2013 12:10 PM

Girl, I want to drive up the coast to O'side and bitch slap that man! Maybe it's something about the coastal cities--my WH's prostitute-skank worked out of Carlsbad.

First thing, take care of yourself. This means take care of your physical health as best as possible.

I know you're hurting emotionally and that emotional pain can be debilitating and color every aspect of your life, but it's really important to recall your son't words: "we all love you, all your friends love you, you have to fight this, I need you."

I don't want to diminish your son's diagnosis of epilepsy, but there are a number of medications out there that control it quite well. Additionally, sometimes, people (one of my colleagues) become seizure-free over time and don't have to take anti-seizure meds.

I'm glad you have an MC appt on Saturday. If your husband said the marriage is over, you need to protect yourself. Definitely see a bulldog of an attorney.

Sometimes, the only thing you can do is just breathe. One.Breath.At.A.Time.

heartache101 posted 9/19/2013 12:13 PM

cluless

Honey you can get thru this.
He isn't the man he use to be. Until that man can return (if ever) you need to let him go. Noone deserves to be yelled at and treated like you are being treated.
I hope you tell your counselor how depressed you are so they can put you on a good AD.
Big Hugs doll....

Josephine01 posted 9/19/2013 13:15 PM

Your post made me cry for you. . . I am so sorry your H would do this to you. But, you are so much stronger than you think that you are. Focus on you and your children. Lean on us. (((Cluless))))

1Faith posted 9/19/2013 13:50 PM

Cluless

(((hugs))) (((prayers)))

Please know that your life matters. To God, to your children, to your family and friends. You are more and mean more than the affair. Don't let it take more from you and your family than it already has.

Please seek counseling for your feelings. You need help navigating these waters and that is okay. We all did/do.

is there really a way to forgive this or am I just kidding myself

Yes, there is a way but it is a long, hard road. It takes time and there are no quick fixes.

If your WH is truly remorseful you can work through it together. He, however, has to do some real hard work on himself and be 100% accountable for the affair.

If he is not, you can still come out the other side. You can have a strong and good life.

Reach out to your doctor, to your friends/family and start the process of healing.

Please look up the 180 and start to put the priority and focus back on you.

You can't undo what he's done and you will never be able to understand or rationalize it because it is unfathomable.

The hurting, total disorientation is all because of the affair and its total impact on our life.. you will continue having those moments, flashbacks, needing answers to questions that can never fully be answered.

Your WH should be totally transparent want to help you in any way possible, answer all your questions any which way you ask that question and how many times you ask the same question in different ways.

It does get better. Give yourself some time. Reach out to your son. Focus on him and not your WH.

Big hugs and know we are all here.

k94ever posted 9/19/2013 14:25 PM

Cluless...can I ask you why you want to stay with this muppet?

k9

cluless posted 9/19/2013 14:38 PM

Thank you all for your words. I'm reading "after the affair" and it has a section on is the marriage worth saving. He has pretty much been "making me pay" since we got married. His insecurities and his "gotta have it now" attitude has caused fights.

I've been asking myself the same question. Why am I in this marriage? He has treated me like the shit on the bottom of his shoe since we met. But when I was going through all my hospitalizations he was by my side, fighting for me. Although I never really felt compassion, I felt "safe." He's never made me feel beautiful, or like I was a good wife. His anger/resent- ments have pretty much eroded our entire relationship. The thought of never having him in my life again makes me sick. Even after all of that, I still loved him. Is there enough to save? If he gets over his "issues" that he has had since childhood, will that be enough to make him the man that I deserve? He said he'll do anything, he will make it up to me if it takes him the rest of his life. There are real flashes of compassion, love, total regret and he's afraid to lose me.

I just don't know right now. He has betrayed me in the worst possible way and I really don't know if he's telling me the truth. He says one thing, the evidence coming from OW say's another. So I can't answer that.

cluless posted 9/19/2013 14:41 PM

This is my main philosophy, not to make decisions with my emotions at such a out of control time. To work through this and see where we end. I don't want to make a quick decision and find that I was too hasty. Is that wrong?

Gr8Lady posted 9/19/2013 16:03 PM

First of all you are neither clueless nor hopeless. We all feel that way at times but you are so much more than your WH could ever hope to be. Worthless is the name that comes to my mind of a man that could treat his spouse so callously.
Pull yourself up and step over that lowlife WH.

1Faith posted 9/19/2013 16:47 PM

Take the time you need to make any decision but please put up some boundaries of what you will and will not put up with going forward.

WH must know what your deal breakers are and you must be prepared to follow through with them.

To start:

- NC
- IC for him and for you?
- MC for you both
- No emotional abuse
- Accountability

Good luck. Fight for yourself and your children.

(((hugs)))