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Healing2012 posted 9/19/2013 11:17 AM

I'll make this short. My H and I are separated (have been for a long time). We are not D and we are not really in R. We talk and see each other. We hug (those don't really want to let go hugs). Our 9th anniversary is next week. Neither of us has mentioned it, but it's just hanging in the air between us.

In all honesty, I don't know if that day really means anything anymore, which makes me so very sad.

What do you do when you're separated, but still love each other? How do you handle your anniversary?

StillLivin posted 9/19/2013 13:30 PM

So sorry!
That day will be coming soon for me to. To cheer myself up, I'm having him served with papers to change our LS to D.
Will still be so sad though. His love for me is broken, but my love for him was healthy and genuine.

noglamour posted 9/19/2013 13:31 PM

I dont have the answer, but I want to know too.
We are not D, she doesnt want R and we have been separated for over a month. Our anniversary is in April.

Nature_Girl posted 9/19/2013 15:47 PM

I think honesty is the best policy in this case. Be bold & bring the subject up now. Let him know that at least for this year you're uncomfortable about a traditional observance for your anniversary. I bet he is, too. Be specific about what might make you uncomfortable. Are flowers too much? A sappy card too much? Would dinner be too much? Do you need to be alone?

Be bold.

Ashland13 posted 9/19/2013 16:03 PM

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but here is what I did: prior to the divorce, we had an anniversary go by. Now it's been two.

The first one was the same for me as this thread. I had no idea of OW, however, and the lies he fed me created a very thick fog, so that my blinders were still there.

About two weeks before the day of the first one, (second one had D papers filed), I wrote to him a carefully worded message.

I began by saying that I saw the dates on the calendar and what month it was. Then I mentioned that I was open to thoughts on the matter if he had any to share about the day and I left it at that.

He did reply favorably that year as he was fence-sitting (I was in the dark about this).

What we chose was to spend a few hours with DD that day and we did family things. No dinner or meals, but I put out snacks and drinks they both like. We doted on her and played games she liked and went for a walk altogether. We didn't exchange gifts or cards or speak of romantic or heavy things.

In this way, there was no pressure on either of us, as money was short, also. He came and went as he pleased and it went by without drama, but I did cry that night, FWIW. It was a lot of holding in emotion to not show him how affected I was, which I still do.

This anniversary was during divorce proceedings and no one mentioned it. I did not contact him on that day and made it a point not to...he contacted me several times, asking about DD or house things.

For this anniversary, I made an appointment and then made a nice dinner for DD and spent extra time doting on her. We did low key activities at a few places and what really helped in my mind was to keep remembering that "it's just a day on the calendar now. It's not about that anymore."

My new rule is to always make a plan on the day of some kind, so when it's looming and past and in my thoughts, I think only of the present year. It's some doing to control my thoughts, but my emotions were a lot more level this year before and after.

Such a hard thing.