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can you help me with this why?

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luvedmypbear posted 9/19/2013 12:11 PM


did my exloveofmylife say he loved me,
ask me to marry him
have 3 kids with me

all while hiding a secret life that included hitting on women in bars and initiating sex with his brother's girlfriend?

why did he play house and happy family with me while having sex with our friends?

why did he lie every time he opened his mouth?

I ask because I am struggling

I would never lie to someone I love

I would never want to be married to someone if I was interested in other people and acting on it on the sly

why did he want to keep me in the dark for so many years rather than letting me know I must not be it for him because he is still actively seeking sex with other women?

How sad for him

please help me understand

I thought I had married the perfect man

[This message edited by luvedmypbear at 12:12 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Deeply Scared posted 9/19/2013 12:48 PM


MovingUpward posted 9/19/2013 12:58 PM

One of the biggest obstacles to understanding my WS I found was that she didn't tend to think the way I do. Whereas I couldn't understand it because of the principles and boundaries I incorporated that I could not see it happening within those and it can't.

The simplest explanation is that it was all about what he wanted from the get go and for many years you share that same dream with him, but now he has deviated from a shared dream.

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 12:59 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Simple posted 9/19/2013 13:05 PM

Question: Why...?

Answer: He's broken. Most waywards are egotistical, selfish, people-pleasers, lacking coping skills. They present a good wife and family to the world while they do their dirty deeds in the dark.

We're here for you. Just remember, there's nothing you could've done to "fix" him. All your focus now should be fixing yourself, healing, loving your kids, work on becoming an even better person with no bitterness in our hearts. Honestly whether you're in R or D, our happiness is in our hands. That starts with keeping the toxic (situations/people/concepts/etc.) out of our lives.

luvedmypbear posted 9/19/2013 13:29 PM

Thank you MOO and Simple

I appreciate your responses and know you are right.

It has been 3 year since D and I was thinking of dating.....found someone who seems to act nice to me and have similar values.....

I just don't trust myself. I am afraid of trusting even a tiny bit.

I have a lot more work to do before I should be back out in the world.

Thanks for your help, it is truly appreciated.

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