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Eyeofthetiger posted 9/19/2013 15:14 PM

So I have not spoken to WH in over 2 weeks except regarding pick up drop off times via text. I have not seen him in 2 weeks either. So here is how last night went:

He brought the kids home and put them to bed. I got home 15 min after. I asked him to take out the AC in the kitchen. He did and then did a few other things. I was getting lunches made for the next day. He kept asking if I ha new clothes on. I said no and he mentioned that I looked good. I said thanks. Then I was sitting on the couch and he sat on the thee couch. (I am not sure why as he has been leaving as soon as he drops the kids usually). Anyways. He starts asking how work is. We talk about the kids and the plans for the weekend. He then starts talking about how he has had a fever for 2 weeks now. I said he should go to docs and he jokingly said "got any antibiotics in the cabinet" and I replied (jokingly again) "no but I have antidepressants" he stopped smiling and started tearing up. I said why are you crying and he said "I'm sorry" .

So then a minute later he says "did you do something different with your hair or something? You look different" I said no its prob because you haven't seen me in a couple of weeks. Then he says well you look really good. I said "thanks I dress to impress". He then starts asking what I did tonight and I replied with went out to dinner with a friend. And he says "oh a guy friend is that why you dress to impress, was it a date?" And I said I wouldn't call it a date. And now he is smiling and asking me questions. I didnt tell him it wa a guy or a date but he kept assuming and asking who it was. When I wouldn't give it up he said he had to go.

So I guess I was hoping he would be upset that I was dating (mind you I am not dating, I went to dinner with a girl friend, but he doesn't know this). But he seemed just nosey, not upset. He kept telling me I looked good and was checking me out non stop. He was at the house for a good hour. Usually I tell him to leave but I wanted to see what he would do if I didn't say anything.

He just seems like he wants his life back but isn't doing anything about it. So this morning I sent a quick text that said something like nice to talk to you last night thanks for helping and hope you feel better... I never got a reply.

Just needed to write out my situation. I'm confused at his actions and words from last night. I guess I shouldn't try to analyze him but it is hard.

Nature_Girl posted 9/19/2013 15:23 PM

I think he's confused because you're sending out confusing signals. You're headed for divorce, but you ask him in to work on a honey-do list. You chat with him. He's relaxing on the couch. Those are signals of hospitality & invitation. I would be confused if I were him, too.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/19/2013 15:24 PM

He is the one that wants a D and the one that left. Not me

ajsmom posted 9/19/2013 15:28 PM

He just seems like he wants his life back

Well, it seems so do you based on the interaction and you wanting to see what he'd say.

Drop offs should be clean cut. He drops the kids off and leaves. No idle chit-chat, no chores, no nothing.

AJ's MOM

suckstobeme posted 9/19/2013 15:31 PM

I'm sorry he did that to you. He has no business coming into your house and asking personal questions.

Now you see why he did it though - he is nosy and wants to know what's happening in your life. Not so that he will evaluate himself and feel scared that he's lost you. It's to see if he can manipulate and make you feel bad or sad for trying to move on. He wants to see if you'll still jump when he throws the crumbs at you.

Gently, if he wanted his life back he would say it and he would do everything in his power to make you feel safe and give you everything you need to heal. He didn't do that. He flirted because he got a little jealous that someone else may have been sniffing around what was his for so long. It doesn't mean he's even close to being remorseful or sorry. It means he's an entitled, arrogant, manipulative ass.

He loves that you sent that text. He knew he got you, if for just a little while, so he feels again like he has the upper hand. "See everyone. I told you she still wants me."

So now you know. We've all been there and we've all fallen off the NC wagon. It feels shitty, but it builds your strength and you remember for next time when the urge to text him hits. You won't throw yourself out there to him again because you'll remember how it made you feel when he didn't even bother to respond. NC = no new hurts.

Next time, let him drop off the kids and leave. He doesn't deserve to sit on your couch and chit chat. He's not a friend and he needs to realize that.

I'm so sorry he did that. I know how much it hurts and how confusing it can be. I would kick him in the nuts for you if he was standing in front of me.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/19/2013 15:37 PM

I def do want my life back. I would love notbing more than for him to fight like hell for his family.

I was hoping that he could see a side of me he once loved. He could see how easy conversation was between us. I was hoping this would give him something positive to think about. Along with the thought that someone else may be scooping me up (he doesn't need to know that isn't true)

Back to only contact about the kids. I was stronger and happier on those days.

[This message edited by Eyeofthetiger at 3:40 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

ajsmom posted 9/19/2013 15:41 PM

Hon, you can't will him back.

He's either going to grow a set and fight for you all on his own, or trust me, you'll be so much better off without him.

Just because he lopped up some of your kibbles, that's not a foundation for trust. Believe me.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/19/2013 15:52 PM

Thanks! I know. Just looking for any sign of hope but you are right. No point.

suckstobeme posted 9/19/2013 15:53 PM

You can't nice him or love him out of this, no matter how much it makes sense to try. They have something missing in them when they are unremorseful. I think Jennifer Aniston put it well when she said the one and only thing she's ever said publicly about Brad Pitt - "he's missing a sensitivity chip."

People like that aren't sensitive to your niceties or your pain. They are selfish and only sensitive to themselves.

NC is about you, not a game to make him guess whether you're dating or not. With enough time and NC, you will get to a point where you don't care what he thinks. Whether you're swinging from the rafters with another dude or knitting an afghan on your time off, it's none of his business. Focus on you even though it sometimes seems impossible. Unfortunately, it's the only way out.

Ashland13 posted 9/19/2013 16:18 PM

This is something Perv does and I used to have to be careful with myself. I'm better now as my feelings for him are gone.

The longer I go without contacting him, the more little bits of messages I get. And I can't even go to the mailbox without him or DD asking what I was doing-yet if I try to be nearby I am ignored, by both.

I've heard of a term relative to this called "hoovering" but am not sure if it's the right one.

What it boils down to is information-seeking, I believe, especially if you got zero reply from the text you sent. I would think someone wanting to continue or renew an R would reciprocate in some way, even a small one, rather than ignoring, which is a turn off in any case.

My gut reaction to your description, unfortunately, is that he may be like I said an info-seeking about you and perhaps a little bit of game playing, even if he doesn't mean it conscionsly.

Perv/HP still does things at the house once in a blue moon, but it's to alleviate his guilt and he can go along to OW's and think he saved our butts and is big man for helping us out. I don't ask him anymore but sometimes he'll do things that he used to-or it may also be programmed in their heads that such and such chore needs to be done at various times of the year.

It's my thought to be very cautious on asking WH to do stuff, too, but that's you're call...for me, it's very big in my mind that I don't want him sitting on that high horse complaining to people about me. He's done that for a long time already!

It is noticed often, from some friends of mine in the BS situation, that their WH's notice when they dress up too or appear to be moving on-this is an interest that life may actually be going without them and that's not easy for them, even if they chose to go. I'm sorry to generalize and was trying to put it in the aspect of some people I know who had this happen, and myself, and hope that's okay to write.

"When I wouldn't give it up he said he had to go." This is interesting, because the minute you put pressure on him, he was out the door... if I read that right.

movingforward777 posted 9/19/2013 16:38 PM

Back to only contact about the kids. I was stronger and happier on those days

You, yourself realize that you need to continue the NC except for dealings about the kids. Don't let yourself get sucked in by him...he may simply be playing head games with you, and he may be feeling a little remorse....The fact that he didn't respond to your text speaks volumes...he was having a "bad day", missing what he had for a while, and testing the waters...today he seems to be back to where you were...contact regarding the kids....
It doesn't hurt to be civil to each other, in fact it's better for the kids if you can be, but don't mistake it for him wishing for his old life back or you will end up getting a big kick to the guts all over again.....
180 time, look after you and your kids, don't let him throw you off balance and upset what you have accomplished to this point....HUGS

StillLivin posted 9/19/2013 19:35 PM

Tiger,
We all at some point have wished and read into their actions hoping for a sign, some small crumb, that our Waywards wanted to come back and wanted to fight for our marriage.
It hurts. All of this crap hurts so bad.
But, if you give even a little emotion back when they are not truly remorseful first or doing what they need to do to fight for the M first, then you are left with confusion, and pain all over again.
Hope for healing, hope for self awareness, hope for a better future, but until HE does ALL of the groundwork first, leave that door of hope shut firmly and NC.
I've read some of your other posts, you are a good person and you deserve ONLY to have someone in your life who recognizes and appreciates that quality. Do NOT settle for less or you set yourself up for less.

SBB posted 9/20/2013 20:58 PM

This is called Limbo hell and its unfortunately pretty common.

By talking to him you're giving him his friend and soft place to land back AND he gets to keep his whores.

Time to close the bakery. Strict NC. It is hard in the beginning but it gets so much easier. NC is your friend here - it will help get you out of limbo and start focusing on the future, not the past.

He is gone, friend.

He may come back for a little while and he may even wake up. But from what you've read on these boards the chances of that are slim to none.

I too thought he would realise what he'd done and become truly remorseful. All I got was a bunch of regret that he had lost his ego kibble supply and as soon as I started making moves to pull myself out of limbo he went postal. It was always going to happen - I just fast-tracked the timeline by refusing to stay in limbo.

The less you have to do with him the less he and you can emotionally abuse you.