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How to deal with the anger

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1bigidiot79 posted 9/19/2013 16:03 PM

I don't know what everyone's experience is with this but I can tell you I would hate to think someone has dealt with the level of anger my BW is displaying right now. I am not saying that to be insensitive but just stating a fact.

I am 8 weeks out from D day (no affair but BW is dealing with the fact that she has been lied to about porn from day 1 of our relationship)and she didn't speak to me until a week ago.

Now that she has started talking, the anger, fury and level of hatred she has towards me right now is beyond anything I have ever seen.

She admits she has an anger problem but our marriage has never given her a reason to take it out on me until now. I guess my question is how do you deal with it. I hope and pray that she doesn't really mean half of what she is saying right now but I'm afraid she really does.

I know I have hurt her beyond my wildest imagination but at what point is her anger detrimental to the situation? So far I have just been taking it and just trying to answer her questions.

Just re-read my post and it sounds insensitive but I really am curious to see what you all think about the anger doing more damage than good.

BS's please feel free to chime in.

Jrazz posted 9/19/2013 16:52 PM

I think that sustained anger would be detrimental to her as well as the relationship.

That being said, I think it's a little early for you to be complaining about her response. The vitriol created inside the BS after this type of betrayal is unprecedented and incredible. The hurt bubbles around our veins like hot lava and it feels like it just explodes out at random times.

Counseling, IC for both of you and MC for the marriage, will go a long way to help with anger "issues."

For now, it's normal, and you wrought it. Our best MC said that you have to work on the A first and the Marriage after that settles a bit.

It's no fun to get yelled at, but it's crazymaking to be cheated on. Please don't turn things on her right now. Be the rock. Be humble about it. You're not doing her a favor by "taking" it. You would do well to go a step farther and seek actual compassion for what she is experiencing.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:53 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Kelany posted 9/19/2013 17:08 PM

I was angry after DDay1. Very angry.

Then a year of false recovery and a second epic DDay resulting in THREE more affair partners.

The next morning I set his clothes on fire in the driveway. The things that came out of my mouth were vile. I mean VILE. And this went on for a few months. I was in the most horrific emotional pain of my life.

I smashed a watch one of his AP's had given him as a gift into hundreds of pieces, picked all the pieces up, then mailed them to her.

I told him I wanted to die. I told him how EASY it would be for me to take all of my sleeping pills, to go to sleep and just never wake up. I told him that I wasn't going to because I knew he couldn't care for our children the way they needed. I told him that our entire marriage was a complete lie. He never loved me.

I called him names. I spewed venom at him. I lashed out at him. I wanted him to hurt as badly as I did.

I was wounded. He saw how raw I was. He then slowly began to help me heal and those moments of pure rage and hurt became less and less.

I do not regret the things I said to him. I felt them. He needed to know how deep the pain went. I'm sure he got tired of it. I'm sure he feared walking home into a war zone. But he did it. I'm so glad he did too.

It is horrible to go through, for both spouses. I can completely acknowledge that. Your wife has been lied to for her entire marriage. Who she thought you were is NOT who you are. She's wounded, she's devastated. From what you're saying, she's been showing you this rage for a week. Honestly? That's nothing compared to me. She was in shock the first 7 weeks, now reality has set in. It's going to get very rough for awhile. You can choose to ride out the roller coaster with her, try to comfort her, or not. That is up to you.

Acknowledge her anger. Apologize. Ask her what she needs from you. Do NOT tell her she's not allowed to feel her anger.

It's been a week of anger, if it's too much for you to handle, let her know now and don't put her through the pain of the ups and downs of getting angry and defensive back at her.

1bigidiot79 posted 9/19/2013 17:15 PM

Thank you Samantha. I needed to hear that. I know my post seemed insensitive but I really was just trying to get a feel for how far it could go before it becomes harmful.

It did me good to read your story about your anger because you guys are still in R and trying. I just need some hope. I will continue to take the anger and the hate. I have tried to show compassion to her but she isn't having it.

Thanks again

Kelany posted 9/19/2013 17:27 PM

Yeah, for awhile I didn't even want him near me. His touch made me cringe. It was the anger, seriously. And his neediness, he wanted to be with me ALL.THE.TIME. And I needed time to BREATHE and think. It was hard.

We are celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary this weekend. We did *NOT* celebrate our 11th or 12th. I refused to even acknowledge them on the heels of both DDays. This year, I'm excited to. Hope that gives some more hope.

Simple posted 9/19/2013 18:08 PM

Talking about anger, just be glad she did not pull a gun at you and say in a calm voice that she's done, she just wants the whole truth...

There's so many stories out there of people doing stuff they don't normally do because they are in so much pain.

The other posters were right. Don't turn this on her and ride it out. I would add seek IC for both of you and MC if you're not already.

I think the anger will subside if true remorse is shown as well as continued comfort and apology. Jrazz is right that if you empathize with her, put yourself in her shoes, I think maybe you'll understand her a bit better too and won't perceive that anger in the light you did.

Hopefully that helps.

Kelany posted 9/19/2013 18:18 PM

Seriously? A gun?

TALKING about anger is one thing.

Getting PHYSICAL about it is absolutely NOT okay.

Pulling a GUN out?? W.T.F.

Raven96 posted 9/20/2013 06:54 AM

The fact that you're asking shows that you're not insensitive. No worries.

I, too, said things that I'm not sorry for. Horrible things. He said I looked at him like he was the biggest POS that ever walked the Earth. I think I'm past that, now, and we are only 5 months out. I still get angry. Sometimes I let him in on it and sometimes I keep it in check, but I've told him that it takes 2-5 years to heal, and if he can't handle my anger he knows where the door is. He's been really good.

The thing that helps me when I get overwhelmed is being asked what he can do to help, having him truly listen to me, or even giving me just a simple hug. Telling me over and over how sorry he is and having his actions back him up does wonders, too.

Hang in there. It will get better one way or another.

Ashland13 posted 9/20/2013 07:51 AM

As a betrayed wife, I will say that I like the fact that you are inquiring after the anger.

I have some ideas or wishes that I wish X would have done, were reconciling real and not a trick. He tried at first but was too far gone inside himself to figure out how to react to my anger-he only saw it briefly and never has again, for I feel stronger when I show him nothing.

That aside, here are my wishes:

-I would have wished to get some compassion from him;

-I would have wished for an apology at that time and not when he felt like it;

-I would have wished to not be judged even more by him;

-I would have wished not to be yelled at by him during the anger phases; it was more hurt that I didn't think possible and selfish;

Instead of any of this, he would yell at me and defend OW or just plain leave and drive away.

From my experience and some friends, and people may disagree, how it is replied to the anger goes a long way.

For me at least, the anger stems largely from a group of combined emotions that I simply cannot sort out: frustration, fear, loss of several things, (self, pride, purpose, value as a person, etc...) and levels of hurt and humiliation that I have never before experienced.

I don't know if that will help any or if it's what she's feeling, but it's what I've gone through in cycles. My anger comes in spurts and gives an energy that I don't always know how to control, so I tend to do nothing when it comes...I put away all electronics and try to do something energetic, because it causes this energy and irration inside that is hard to contain.

ETA that porn was apparently a massive part of his double life that he chose to hide from me and eventually it became "real" for him, but according to counselors, he viewed me as the maternal type of figure so could not fathom or relate what he saw in porn in me...yet, FWIW, I was willing in some of it to save our M and help him be happier...but he was too far warped in his thinking from it and other things.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:54 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

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