Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Approaching Antiversary 1

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

KBeguile posted 9/19/2013 16:08 PM

It's been forever since I've been here, longer since I've posted. Life, for the most part, has been slowly approaching something ... enjoyable, in its own way, and I've never felt happier. Recently, though, all of that feeling of hope and approaching a new kind of normal has started to slip away.

I'm no longer playing a character - and, recently, I discovered that I was completely playing a character before; thank you all for helping me to see that particular side of things. I get "weirded out" around pictures of lingerie models only too-happy to be scantily clad. I feel awkward in situations that I used to seek out (and worse), and I've regressed to being an introvert, like I was while growing up. All of these changes feel "normal," like they're all part of who I should be.

When I can't take care of Heart and make her feel better, especially as I watch her suffer more as we get toward November, it takes more of a toll on me. I know it shouldn't, and I know that in order to be successful, I can't let her affect my mood, but now that she's the only person in the world I want to socialize with (introvert again), her moods affect our socialization as well as my personal pride in helping her to overcome these setbacks on top of the stresses she's facing in school.

Does anyone have suggestions for me? I can't do much money wise, but if there are words of wisdom or conversations you all might suggest I have, my ears are open and my brain is empty. Please fill my vessel with your knowledge.

[This message edited by KBeguile at 4:10 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Jrazz posted 9/19/2013 17:03 PM

Hey KBeguile. Introspection is good, but I think you're still commingling taking care of yourself and taking care of Heart.

You need to look at these endeavors as separate. Your post talks a lot about your feelings, needs and developments.

I've never felt happier

I get "weirded out" around pictures of lingerie models

All of these changes feel "normal," like they're all part of who I should be

I can't let her affect my mood

now that she's the only person in the world I want to socialize with

I get that you're updating us on how you feel here, but your question about how to help Heart is really pushed to the back of this post.

The first anti is crazy hard for the BS. The mind movies ramp back up, the triggers start dropping out of nowhere.... even if the WS has done their utmost over the year to be honorable and hard working, there's just something about the season that brings our fears back out.

It's good that you're working on you, but in order to be there for her it has to BE about her sometimes. Have your feelings, and find a time to address them outside of the warzone, if you can. It's not about "She reacts this way and it affects me x", it's about "She reacts this way and I understand that she is triggering and I:

a.) Hold her because she needs to be held

b.) Reassure her because she needs to hear how committed I am

c.) Bring her a gift because she is remembering the energy I spent on other women and I need to show her I'm only thinking of her.

If you want to talk about you we can do that, but you're asking about her here. I think. Let's talk about her.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 5:05 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Unagie posted 9/19/2013 18:40 PM

Kbeguile, welcome back its been awhile. Okay first thing prep yourself, first antiversary can be terrible. My exSO and I are still living in the same apt while I save money for a new apartment and we just had antiversary #1 a little over a week ago. He seemed fine which has been par for the course although I did ask if he was okay or needed to talk. I on the other hand was a wreck, total wreck...I'm better now but the memories have gotten intense and I'm working through it again. Be there for Heart, she's going to need support and be there for yourself. Be prepared for the worst and try to get the best from both of you.

KBeguile posted 9/20/2013 00:20 AM

Definitely meant for this to be about her (but I wanted to update as well), and I'm open for suggestions. Money's tight, so suggestions about positive reinforcements I can do without straining the already tight budget would be most appreciated.

Unagie: Definitely trying to hold things together as best I can. She says she feels like she's "back at Square One," and brings up questions/debates/conundrums/etc. from months ago, as if seeking resolution that isn't going to be there. I don't like sounding like a broken record, but I almost feel like I have to at times, because I know we've already talked about all of these things. Any advice above and beyond would help here, definitely.

Unagie posted 9/20/2013 00:40 AM

Heart needs time to work through this on her own timeline. The closer you get to one year the more all the memories will hit, all the old questions will be there again and the more you realize that this is real, it really happened and there is no changing it. Year 2 is bad, many have said it but I think I'm just starting to get it on my end. Imagine how it is for Heart. Answer her questions, be there for her and as I said be good to yourself as well its going to get harder then you ever imagined but you've been building a foundation to start working from so don't stop.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.