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F other woman getting married-wwyd?

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AnnieOakley posted 9/19/2013 16:32 PM

My FWH and I have been separated for 2+ years. I will be filing for divorce again within the next few weeks.

I found out thru a workplace grapevine that the FOW is getting married in a few months. STBXH does not work at the same location anymore so it was not thru him. I told him a few months ago, and honestly-he could not care less. He has no feelings for her what so ever.

I drafted a very basic letter to her fiancé about two weeks ago, indicated dates and a few facts. Told him that if he wanted more info that he could contact me directly.

I am certain that they were a couple on my final dday. (Details are in profile...if you want the backstory.)

I've always felt that the FOW walked away without any consequences, so I can understand that this is part of my motivating factor. To want to make her suffer.

Part of me also feels that he deserves to have this info. Maybe he knows already??? I have no idea.

I've just sat on the letter as I did not want to make any rash decisions.

I guess I would have liked to have known BEFORE I walked down the isle that my soon to be H had already cheated on me...

Opinions? Insight?


tearingaway posted 9/19/2013 16:41 PM

I would want somebody to tell me if my fiancée had cheated on me. My WW cheated on me when we were just BF/GF, but I never knew until recently. It sucks that nobody had the courage to tell me about it before I married her.

1Faith posted 9/19/2013 16:54 PM

If it makes you feel better send it.

If you want to spare him the pain of marrying someone who is capable of cheating and living a lie, send it.

Look for your motivation and then ask yourself if you will feel better or worse for sending?

Keep us posted.

Good luck.

1Faith posted 9/19/2013 16:55 PM

I just realized we have the same tag line...

Amber13 posted 9/19/2013 16:56 PM

I get the feeling many people would be against this... But my gut is saying go for it. I would want to know. Could it come back to haunt you in any way?

AnnieOakley posted 9/19/2013 20:46 PM

1Faith-Funny about the tag lines. Needless to resonated with me as well.

Amber-no there is nothing to come back and haunt me anymore. I did not confront her for many years in order to protect him at his workplace. That is no longer an issue.

I put my real name in the draft and would send as such.

I'm just trying to weigh which is the greater motivating factor. His right to know or my desire for payback. I looked at her FB/instagram and really did not feel anything. Meh. No anger, disgust, hate, etc.

Will need to ruminate about this a bit longer....

cuppacoffee posted 9/19/2013 20:47 PM

Good for you!

I want to tell the B BF before he asks the skankface to marry him. They've been living together since around D day.

I would certainly want to know.

musiclovingmom posted 9/19/2013 22:06 PM

I faced a similar situation with OW#1 and her long time bf, now fiancée. I wrote the letter and had their address. I even researched how I could send it and be sure he was the recipient, not her. In the end, I didn't send it. Sure, he probably deserves to know, but I have no real proof of what happened between them and she would deny, deny, deny. Also, she is seven shades of crazy and I really did NOT want to invite her drama back into our lives. She, conveniently, broke NC about a week later and I had the letter all ready to go, but I still didn't send it. We've blocked her again and, hopefully, she will realize this time that my H doesn't even want to be friends (her last message was sent because she still considers him a friend). If she didn't have so many ties to me, my family, my friends and our community, I probably would have sent it. It was just too much risk for me.

wannabenormal posted 9/19/2013 22:15 PM

IMO, what do you have to lose?

Provide the info - it's his to do with it as he wishes.

While I totally get helping the karma bus along, don't do it for that reason...and it seems like you're not.

If he was in her life at last D-day, he deserves to know. That's my opinion. But do it for that, not because you feel SHE deserves it (which I do not believe is your motive, but of course a kink in her big happy would be a nice side benefit. LOL!)

RidingHealingRd posted 9/19/2013 23:06 PM

I am certain that they were a couple on my final dday.

Then he absolutely deserves to know. This would allow him the opportunity to enter the M with eyes wide open or to ditch her.

OldCow18 posted 9/20/2013 08:10 AM

I don't know what is right or wrong, but I do know that I ABSOLUTELY want to know had it been me.

AnnieOakley posted 9/20/2013 12:21 PM

Thank you all for your replies.

I really am leaning towards sending the info, but will sit on it a bit longer.

I keep going back to the fact that I would have wanted to know...I think most people would feel as such.

Provide the info - it's his to do with it as he wishes.

It really comes down to this ^^^^.

For the last 6+ months I have been trying to think (and act) from a much more positive and gratitude based place. But again I admit that there is a portion of me that wants to inflict a bit of karma back in the FOW's life. While that goes against my current and (preferred) mind set, I am still human!

My STBXH and I both learned from our mistakes in our marriage...the hard way. Wonder if she learned anything from the A? Wonder how she feels about infidelity now that she is about to get married?

Obviously she is not my concern. Of course I would be lying if I said I don't ever think about the A's, but it is not all consuming or a focus for me anymore. I don't know if I am 'healed' from it however. It is more like an old sports injury that sometimes aches if it is going to rain.

Happy Friday all. I'm off to make just one person feel important or special today by something that I can say to them or do for them.

truthsetmefree posted 9/20/2013 12:38 PM

My only question would be why have you waited this long? It was 2 years ago, right?

What made you decide not to tell him then?

AnnieOakley posted 9/20/2013 12:50 PM


I waited for years because they continued to work together. He was the top senior exec at this property and she was a jr/entry level mgr.

I literally did not make waves because of his job. She was so batshit crazy for so long, I really had no doubt that she would cost him his job if I pushed.

He left there about a year ago.

I found out about 3 months ago that they are getting married. I did not know if they were even still together.

I've asked myself that same question, and really his job was the main motivating factor for a long time. Now that it is no longer a factor, I feel more 'secure' in giving the info.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 12:51 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

truthsetmefree posted 9/20/2013 13:25 PM

He left there about a year ago.

Why did you not tell then?

Not casting judgment, just trying to help you ferret out your real motive.

If it's simply about the fiancé's best interest, then you have nothing to lose. It won't matter what anyone's reaction is.

But if it has any type of retaliatory against the OW, then, stand to lose a lot.

This is an emotional investment, Annie. You want it to be for the right reasons and for the people that actually deserve it.

7yrsflushed posted 9/20/2013 13:55 PM

Regardless of motives, the fiance should know. Several people knew of my STBXW's 1st A which was years before the LTA she was caught in. If even 1 of them had told me it would have been very much appreciated. IMO, you should send the letter. The fiance can do with it what he wants but he will at least have the information.

LeopoldB posted 9/20/2013 14:20 PM

This is a little sticky. If I was interested in getting revenge (which it sounds like you are not; however, I might be if I were in the same position) then I would definitely send the letter. He probably won't care and will likely write you off as a revenge seeker. Unfortunately, the timing of it coinciding with learning of the impending wedding erodes the high ground. Imagine how crowded the high ground would be if people could seek revenge there in good conscience.

AnnieOakley posted 9/20/2013 14:36 PM


Thx for asking me to delve further.

It really did not come to my mind until I heard they were engaged.

In the early days I drafted all sorts of letters just to vent my anger to her, her mother, etc. I knew I would never send them. Again, much was at risk then.

I keep thinking about what would have been my reaction to someone telling me the truth about my fiancé back then. Would I have wanted to walk down the isle with a man knowing that he had already violated my trust so deeply? I'm assuming it would have been easier to end things at that point. But who knows? Everyone is different.

As a BS, I feel some sort of obligation to him. Granted, it was over years it may appear that I am a crazed, bitter, scorned wife. So be it.

Again, I am not discounting the karma aspect. I am hoping to come to a decision after much careful thought. It used to really hurt me to know how many people knew or suspected my STBXH's A's. No one ever told me. I had a friend/former coworker apologize profusely--as they thought we had an open marriage.

So hard for people to insert themselves into what is perceived as another's personal business.

Still thinking...tapping fingers...

7yrsflushed posted 9/20/2013 14:53 PM

so it may appear that I am a crazed, bitter, scorned wife. So be it.

This is true but my guess is if he didn't know she was in an A back then he had some gut feelings or some questionable situations that he was gaslit through but always wondered about. At a minimum he is likely going to have a discussion with her about it and maybe some puzzle pieces will fall into place. If not, he at least was told.

AnnieOakley posted 9/20/2013 15:47 PM


That is a good point.

I know I had my ah hah moments...when everything finally added up perfectly. When you realize that you were not crazy or imagining things. You look back and think, "how could I have been so blind and/or stupid".

More to ruminate on...thx.

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