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Some understanding thru therapy

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sleepless34 posted 9/19/2013 18:02 PM

Today I went to the therapist that has seen us both, but got a private session. Wow. I didn't think she would give me as much as she did, but she layed it all out. It is both worse and better than I could have hoped.

She saw many things going on with him; including Aspergers, arrested development, and Addiction/addictive personality, self sabotage.

She saw someone with major demons and a very dark side, someone who feel into the rabbit hole and couldn't get out, some one addicted to the feeling of getting away with this secret life, the sex, and felt there is probably much more to his story I don't know. She said he is in a very dark place and you don't want to be there with him. Be thankful this happened and you can break free of it. Wow.

She also told me, along with many other people and some here on SI, that he is completely incapable of understanding the devasation to our family, how bad the betrayal is, the catasptrophe of it all. He can not do it.He probably never will. His aspergers brain does not work that way. I have to stop needing answers, because I will never get any from him.

He is a 13year old boy emotionally,and when a boy does something he is ashamed of and knows he is wrong, he says I am sorry and then it is supposed to just be all better. For him, apparently it is that simple. Very black and white in his crazy head. He has even said " I have said I am sorry, what else can I do." He just wants to move on. He can do it, can't understand why I can't, it is so EASY....

So, I got some understanding, but not from him. From IC, Divorce therapy, reading and myself I am able to put it together in some way I can understand it.

The reality is that he was never the man I thought he was. He was hoping he could be that man, pretending to be that man, but he never really was that man. It was a facade, and on the inside his soul was black. All these years, he was like a time bomb and then finally imploded. He had all this darkness and self loathing and unworthiness and he found something to do with that, someone he could put that into to.. He couldn't pretend anymore so he did something so terrible that everyone would have to see the broken down mess that he is, now out in the open.He is now living "a life of integrity" omg, really? He sabotaged himself and our marriage, a cowards way out....

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 9/19/2013 18:11 PM

Your situation sounds so much like mine. He kept saying, "why can't you just get over it", "it's in the past". No MC was involved. And I am not the type of person to just sweep it under the rug as nothing.

As for the 13 year old boy, I had a man addicted to video games and plays softball "like a beast", but can't even win in the game of marriage.

Be glad your counselor warned you and take their advice. Mine has been a long 3 years of lies, rugsweeping on his part and trickled truths.

Housefulloflove posted 9/19/2013 18:24 PM


I'm sorry sleepless34. I'm glad you have something to answer a few questions. I felt like you were writing about my ex as well as your own.

Ashland13 posted 9/19/2013 19:59 PM

I'm sorry too, Sleepless and see so many similarities in our X's. One thing to add for X that I have is that I think he was having a version of mid life crisis and felt that he could not turn to me or would not turn to me and used sex as a vice because he views other habits or addictions as faults that his siblings have. This was his stress outlet but he chose others as his mind was in chaos and anger at me-there is also revenge in there at resentments that were hidden.

Anyway...I too am glad that you got some things answered and it seems to be common ground that we may never get all the answers-nor want to know them.

persevere posted 9/19/2013 23:31 PM

The reality is that he was never the man I thought he was. He was hoping he could be that man, pretending to be that man, but he never really was that man. It was a facade, and on the inside his soul was black. All these years, he was like a time bomb and then finally imploded. He had all this darkness and self loathing and unworthiness and he found something to do with that, someone he could put that into to.. He couldn't pretend anymore so he did something so terrible that everyone would have to see the broken down mess that he is, now out in the open.He is now living "a life of integrity" omg, really? He sabotaged himself and our marriage, a cowards way out....

I could have written this word for word. ((Hugs))

sleepless34 posted 9/20/2013 10:56 AM

How is it possible that the situations are so similar? That is so crazy....

Some how I feel a little less angry than before learning this yesterday. I feel more sad, more disappointed, more discusted...but a little less angry.

I guess he was right about one thing, that he did fail me and I did/do deserve better. I believe that he does actually believe that.

Sigh...how did we all marry the same person?? Did you see any red flags prior to the infidelity???

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