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Newest Member: Daniel29 (46017)

User Topic: Getting past the resentment
roses303
♀ 40161
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that the damage control effort is winding down and I am getting a better picture of my marraige and whether it is worth saving, I am seeing all the resentments I had been holding and I am dealing with so many new resentments.

I resent that he had the affair.

I resent that he chose my friend to do it with.

I resent that he got the opportunity to feel "wanted"

I resent that he got to have his cake and eat it too.

I resent that if we reconcile he gets off scot free.

I resent that to keep him I will have to give him what he was getting from his AP.

I resent that I've given up a lot so I didn't disturb him at work because work was so important up him and yet he was able to text and call and sleep with AP while he was at work.

I resent that AP was more important than not just me but his family.

And those are just post affair resentments. Pre affair.

I resented that he didn't listen to me when I asked for things I needed.

I resented that he thought my raising our children was somehow rejecting him.

I resented having to keep everything together and have responsibility for 3 human beings while he only had to be responsible for himself.

I resented that he was so self centered and me focused. That everything was all about him.

I resented silly things like him being able to say "hey I'm going golfing this afternoon". without having to concern himself about anyone else.

I resented that if I wanted to do something I needed to either beg him to take care if the kids, find someone else to or take them with me.

I resented that he thought his divorced friends had the life of Riley. Kids only every other week and the rest of the time to devote to their girlfriends and golf.

So many resentments. So little resolution. We're trying to work through some of this in MC but I know I probably should be in IC too but with MC, IC for WH, IC for our son, and no mental health coverage we are coming to our limit financially.

So I'm here instead.

Oh wise ones- what advice have ye on letting go or getting past resentment.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Simple
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I resent that if we reconcile he gets off scot free.

I resent that to keep him I will have to give him what he was getting from his AP.

In R here for 5 years now. I just want to say that both those aren't true. R doesn't mean he get off scot-free and that you will have to give him what he wants. He doesn't get a choice. He screwed up. He gets what you're willing to give him. Remember the A is his fault not yours.

Part of the issues we had in our marriage is that my FWH just doesn't want to face problems. And in most instances I let him. He didn't realize that I can't read his mind. If he doesn't tell me what the problem is we can't fix it together. The same is true for us BS, if we don't tell our WS these issues they are not going to know. If they are truly remorseful, they are not going to know how to make us better. In R it all hinges on the WS to become a FWS. Now if you think you're not in true R, then start 180. Only you would know if R is worth it.

Hugs your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
roses303
♀ 40161
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are truly working toward R. He really is trying. I'm the one who is having issues right now. Whether my resentments have validity or not, they are there and I just am not sure what I can do to move past them. Or even what track I should be on to address them.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Teach8
♀ 36521
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Roses,
Not sure when your dday was...but your start date was pretty recent. What you are feeling is pretty normal. After the intial shock wears off the anger comes pretty hard. It did for me at least. Getting through some of that anger and resentment was helped by having a remorseful fwh. His willingness to work on himself and help me as well made getting through anger phases a bit easier. I still have them though...again...all part of the process. For me, they got better with time, communication, time together, a chance to vent some of that anger with/to my fwh and not worry he would get defensive or walk away. I had to feel safe enough to get it out. I hope you can communicate some of this to your wh as well. (Roses303)


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((roses303)))

I totally get it , believe me.

Wishing you peace


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1464 | Registered: Dec 2012
ILINIA
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, I am right there with you. Sending you hugs!

If you cannot do IC, read as much as you can. I suggest Not Just Friends and Transcending PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder). The acronym makes me smile as I am PISD!


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jul 2013
roses303
♀ 40161
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read Not Just Friends which was great and his needs her needs which made me want to tear my hair out and resent all men but I haven't read the one about PISD. That sound interesting and it is a great acronym.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ 40150
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel everything you said. I found myself nodding in agreement and feeling my heart sink as I read each sentence. Thanks for putting into words what goes through my head all day every day.

(((Roses303)))


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
Gr8Lady
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking about the resentment factor recently as well. I feel all mentioned and have one that weighs heavy on my heart....
Reconciliation for him is winning without consequences.
That is major for me, as it fee,s like yet another manipulation .
He doesn't deserve to win after the horrible way I have been treated.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jul 2012
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Simple on this. Scot free? Doesn't seem that way to me anymore. I would far rather be in my shoes than his - that's the depth of his consequences and remorse.

I resented silly things like him being able to say "hey I'm going golfing this afternoon". without having to concern himself about anyone else.

I resented that if I wanted to do something I needed to either beg him to take care if the kids, find someone else to or take them with me.

If he pulls this shit again, stop it. Walk out the door when you need to do something. Don't resort to begging.

I do agree with a lot of your list, though. I would add that I resent that WH thought he was so damn cool and sexy and whatever else...when he was really a bottom-feeding douche bag.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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