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Newest Member: Faith12 (61824)

User Topic: Keeping the positive perspective
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to keep the focus on present and future. I had a hard morning and hubby said for us to keep focus on future...that is true. I can relate with another poster about the "punishment" thingy...very luring to do this but no one benefits. I am trying to focus on loving thoughts, forgiving thoughts, thoughts of future and hope and spend less time wallowing around in the past...the past is OVER and now it only exist in my own HEAD and by me continuing to entertain thoughts I am only prolonging my OWN suffering (not his unless I explode at him 24/7 and what good does that do..does it really make me feel, it only punishes me as well and keep the past alive...)...I ramble...

Can others join me in this positive perspective thread? I am not very strong, but negative thoughts and feelings kept alive does not help me or us in reconciliation...let go and let love...others PLEASE join me here I hope we can uplift ourselves because we are WORTH IT!

Here is one suggestion, before going to sleep list even ONE thing you did that day that was good and positive (even just enjoying a bit of chocolate) and one thing that is good about the wonderful spouse that you decided to love. Then when you wake up remember them again to start the day....I will try this myself...

Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 57
Him: WS 64
Married 34 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 341 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 40161
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great idea and could be really helpful in addressing the issue I recently posted about - resentment. I will try to join you.

Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
♀ 33549
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is traveling which brings me much anxiety but he wrote me a beautiful love & apology letter yesterday, told me I was beautiful when we skyped last night, has been texting & calling all day even though he had a huge presentation. I'm at the airport now, on my way to meet him tomorrow. I love my husband & can't wait to see him.

Me-BS 54
M 34 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 733 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 38162
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice idea, morethantrying!

me: I got out and walked our dogs with a friend. The dogs were so happy playing in the creek that I had to smile despite my triggery morning.

Spouse: My fWH came home from work early and ran my soccer practice for me. He dealt with 11 giggling, cart-wheeling sixth grade girls simply because I wasn't up for it :) .

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:25 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 38577
Member # 38577
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something that has worked for me: Write down a list of good things he/she says to you or does for you daily. When you are feeling uneasy just look at the list and it will lift your spirits and confirm that he/she is really "in this".
Its easy to go down a negative road but having a reminder of good things helped me stay positive, especially when we were apart.

DDay: 1/16/13
ME: 49
WW: 43
2 boys: 9 and 13
Trying to R.
Married 15 years.
"keeping the faith"

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: NE
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here are some good words to describe us BS..(pleasee add to this list!!!)

We are Strong, developing amazing character, resilient, hopeful

Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 57
Him: WS 64
Married 34 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 341 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 40613
Member # 40613
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This hit a cord with me. At 20 months into this R process, my fWH has been proving to me each day and every day that he is remorseful and committed to making our marriage the best it could be. I still am hurt over past actions and need to remind myself of all the good he done in recovery. I don't want a lingering past to haunt me forever. I am going to make that list. My husband has been writing a big list of all his fond memories of us and reasons why he loves me. I think reading them both will help.

3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I hope this recent letter fr my very wise dad can help you all. If you are not religious you can replace the word devil with BAD WOLF and GOOD WOLF in the other place. I think we BS always need to remember that we are STRONG and we are NOT going to let this take control nor DEFINE our lives...this is NOT ALL WHO WE ARE and WE can DECIDE how we will come out of this

Mom and I were so pleased to hear your voice and learn that things are going reasonably well. We are also somewhat concerned with your recurring bouts of grief, sorrow, sadness, disappointment,etc. Those feelings occur in everybody's life but there is hope and a way to deal with those unwanted feelings. It is not you that invite or bring on those feelings. It is the devil who is looking for any means to undermine your self esteem and confidence and your marriage. Don't let it happen. As soon as you become aware of those feelings emerging,immediately reject them and think of other things.
Don't let the devil get a foot hold on your feelings because if you yield to his temptations, he's trapped you again. You can do it. You are a good person and a strong person,and you can become invincible if you turn to Jesus. He loves you and wants to help. Have faith and you will receive the help you need and often even more. Will it be easy or happen over night? Probably not. This is where faith comes in. Never give up.

[This message edited by morethantrying at 4:44 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 57
Him: WS 64
Married 34 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 341 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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