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I feel like I'm over sensitive & I don't know how to control it

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dmari posted 9/19/2013 23:34 PM

Hi Friends,

The latest shooting in the Navy Yard has me feeling a bit anxious and uncomfortable (for lack of a better word). The gunman had a history of mental health issues.

Whenever there is a shooting and the shooter has mental health issues, I seem to go back to that day last year in October when my stbx said "Do you want me to be happy or shoot myself in the head and have the kids find me?" He is a cop and had access to 5 guns in the house. Thinking about that time in my life still brings me to tears.

Even though I have done everything to insure my children's and my safety ~ when there is a shooting, fear just slams back into me.

What do I do to stop reacting this way? Maybe I shouldn't want to stop? Maybe I should always be alert? I don't know if he got his guns back and the police department told me they won't tell me if he did or didn't. Assholes. Last I knew, he was on restricted duty (no badge, no gun). I guess I would feel better if I just knew if he got his guns back or if he they will let him go and be unable to get his guns back.

I'm just venting I guess. Heart is feeling heavy. Thanks for listening.

Nature_Girl posted 9/19/2013 23:42 PM

Your thoughts are understandable. Any reasonable person would "go there" with their thoughts if they were in your position.

I, too, suffer from What If Syndrome (my personal name for it). My STBX has so many things wrong with him, so many indicators that he's going to severely screw the kids up if not outright harm them or worse. And I can't do a thing to legally prevent it.

So I have to consciously tell myself that he hasn't done it yet. YET. As of today, he hasn't done it. So far, right now, as far as we can tell, the kids haven't been harmed. Well, we know there has been emotional damage as well as the kind of damage you get from an extremely NPD parent (and, oh dear, from ME as well due to my years of enabling). But the other kind of damage, that hasn't happened. I can teach my kids about things they shouldn't have to know yet in an attempt to enlighten them so they'll be able to get through it if it happens and tell me after the fact. I can settle in my mind what steps I'll take if something happens. And then I have to "let go and let God", to quote the famous AA saying. At some point you have to let go.

dmari posted 9/20/2013 04:12 AM

Thanks NG! I couple things you said really stood out for me. 1) I need to make a conscious effort to not go there. That stbx hasn't done anything YET. 2) I really need to put my faith in God ~ Let go and let God. Thank you for the gentle reminders!

stronger08 posted 9/20/2013 04:42 AM

This prick is manipulating you into doing what he wants. He is not beyond using anything at his disposal to attain his goals. Ergo the shooting himself in the head and the kids finding him bullshit. If he really wanted to kill himself he would have up and done it. My advice for you is to go NC with him now. Don't even speak to him on the phone. All correspondence should be in writing via text and e-mail. And save everyone of those for future evidence when needed. Refer all of his legal questions to your attorney. And move forward with your D plan. Bottom line is that you cant prove what he says to you verbally. But if he puts it in writing you have hard evidence. If your really this upset over his behaviors get a RO if possible. Tell them with his mental health issues your afraid of what he may do to you and/or the kids. I would also seek full custody without visitation or at the very least supervised visits. Personally I think he is bluffing, but you need to assume he is not. I also see your being very reactive to his behavior. Stop that also. Start being proactive to get him away from you. This will only stop when YOU say it does. Good luck my friend.

Nature_Girl posted 9/20/2013 10:44 AM


Stronger, you were such a help to me when I was in the thick of discovering STBX's treachery & leaving the relationship. Your bold, confident words were inspiring and gave me courage when I was at my weakest. I pray that Dmari is equally blessed by your support.

end t/j

dmari posted 9/20/2013 11:36 AM

Stronger08: Thank you so much for responding! I have been doing everything you listed I have been NC since November (one month after dday); he did actually DID admit in court documents what he said and his past suicide attempt and passive suicide behaviors; he is only allowed visitations with strict rules but kids have not chosen not to see him. The only thing I didn't do was get an RO. After his threat, his command came over to my house to retrieve the guns and he told me that if I got a RO that it would be thrown out of court and stbx would lose his job. At that time, I was fearful and ignorant and I believed him. Being NC is so important which has helped me to heal and rebuild. I just get that feeling of fear whenever I hear of a shooting and the shooter has a mental illness. The intensity of my reaction continues to decrease though so I feel that is progress. Thank you for taking the time to respond

UndecidedinMA posted 9/20/2013 14:25 PM

If your lawyer calls the PD he can find out if he is on restricted duty.

If you file and RO then they will def put him on restricted & take all his weapons. They could fire him but only after the RO becomes permanent. He would have to have a hearing

Sad in AZ posted 9/20/2013 14:51 PM

In my case, the X is retired NYPD and currently a corrections officer who is a firearms instructor. To say we had guns in the house would be an understatement.

One time during the ordeal, he locked himself in the bedroom and threatened to shoot himself. I told him I was calling 911, and he said, "Don't do that; I'll lose my guns!" Yes, it's manipulative. Don't fall for it.

ChoosingHope posted 9/20/2013 15:35 PM

Wow, such an amazing thread.

All I can add is that I spent the day today with my dying aunt (lung cancer, never smoked), and she told me that she started obsessing about what comes next: she will lose her ability to walk, she will lose her remaining independence, her lungs will eventually fill up and they won't be able to be drained anymore, and then they will completely cease working. Things will NOT get better for her. She then she realized that she would drive herself crazy if she kept thinking like that. So she stopped.

Literally, it's day by day for her.

And she told me to do the same. I have to stop obsessing with the worst case scenarios of my own divorce, which are pretty awful.

One other thought: my psychologist tells me "don't invite trouble -you have enough of your own, already," when I express fears like yours.

Then again, I try to be as prepared as possible for anything. Talk to my kids. And pray that my STBX, and NG's STBX, and your STBX don't ever follow up on their awful threats. If there was something else to do, I would do it. But I can't. So I am trying to force myself to let go of the fear.


SBB posted 9/21/2013 00:21 AM

One other thought: my psychologist tells me "don't invite trouble -you have enough of your own, already," when I express fears like yours.

My fears are related to his drug use and I've had to take this stance with myself. I can't prove it - even if I could there would be a fat lot I could do about it until something happens.

I have to hand my precious little girls over to this guy 50% of them time. He is keen to move to a week about from the 2/2/3 currently in place and one of my reasons against it is that I don't want my girls to be exposed to his moods ie: hungover/coming down for too long.

That word 'until' haunts me. I wish it was 'if' but in my mind is not. I will drive myself crazy if I sit around waiting for it so I have to work quite hard to NOT do that. Redirecting thoughts, keeping an eye on my self-talk, doing everything possible to avoid having to see his disgusting drink/drug bloated face.

((dmari)) The suicide talk and mentioning your kids is extreme emotional abuse. You are supposed to feel this way, by design.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 12:35 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

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