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Am I over reacting?

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FeelingMN posted 9/20/2013 05:26 AM

My FWW have been in R for about 2.5 yrs, give or take. The A was a ONS with an old school mate during her high school class reunion. We have a hers/mine/ours child situation but I've been the only father her son has ever had since he was 2yo. He's nearly 17 now. Anyways, when my FWW was out east for the reunion she also attempted to meet up with, I don't even know what to call him, LoserGuy (he's in and out of jail for dealing/robbery, etc.)? For the better part of the last 15 years he wanted nothing to do with his son but but over the last 3 years he's sent a number of requests to know how he's doing, etc. My FWW talked to our son and he's happy not having LoserGuy in his life.

This guy is a huge trigger for me. One of the first things I told her after DDAy was she had to go NC with AP and that I wanted to know when LoserGuy reached out. FWW told me about a month ago that LoserGuy was looking for info and I suggested that she talk to DS to see how he feels about it, he's old enough to choose for himself. FWW didn't do that and just responded with what she said was just a little email. To me, its just a little more than an email.

It seems to me that if DS doesn't want him in his life, I certainly don't want him in our lives, why can't FWW close that door and tell him to piss off once and for all. It feels like she's purposely keeping the door to that part of her life open when it could just be closed once and for all.

If my son has ever said he was curious about LoserGuy at all I would feel completely different about FWW giving him information but right now it just feels like an invitation into our not completely reconstructed M.

jo2love posted 9/20/2013 09:01 AM

I don't think you are overreacting. I am in a slightly similiar situation with my DD. Her dad has never been a part of her life. She knows that if she decides that she wants to reach out to him at some point, that I will support her. The ball is in her court. I do not reach out to her dad and he hasn't reached out to us. I think this decision should be up to your son. On the other side of this, I wonder if it's possible your FWW is responding to this guy so that he doesn't push for visitation?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:02 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

FeelingMN posted 9/20/2013 10:06 AM

I don't think visitation would ever happen. For one, I don't think DS wants it, he doesn't want anything to do with him. Plus, we're in the midwest and he's out east, barely able to keep a job. She told me that she thought that as his father he had a right to know how he's doing in school, health, etc. I know that is the law in MN, but when she said that it was a knife in the heart. She quickly reworded father into donor, but still a poor choice of words at the wrong moment.

We're not even talking today which makes me feel even more isolated. Status quo.

jo2love posted 9/20/2013 10:13 AM


I'm glad there is distance between where your family lives and the donor. Has your son ever sent him an email stating how he feels and that he does not want him in his life? That may discourage the donor from reaching out to your FWW. Sending you strength.

FeelingMN posted 9/20/2013 10:35 AM

My son has never contacted donor directly or indirectly. FWW told me that donor was looking for info and I suggested that she talk to our son to see what his thoughts were. She didn't, she just responded. I may ask her to show me what she sent because my fear is that it was more than just "DS is doing this and that" and that it might include some of "hey donor, how's your family? Where are you working?" etc. That would definitely not be good. I was on her FB account when Dday was fresh and saw some of that and told her that that can't happen. donor's a trigger, fb is a trigger, together they are super trigger.

Searchingforhope posted 9/20/2013 13:13 PM


If I were in your shoes I would absolutely read what she sent.

Your FWW should be bending over backwards to be transparent and she surely shouldn't be doing ANYTHING that makes you trigger or feel uncomfortable.

Sorry, but I would be pretty upset about this, and I wouldn't beat around the bush about it either.

Her A has changed the way of life in your M..forever..

Strength to you...

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