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"I will get married again if you want to"

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realitybites posted 9/20/2013 06:34 AM

So a weird conversation happened the other day and instead of being a nice thing I feel exactly like this is my life, to a tee.

My youngest son has been home for the summer, now off into the world again, but how this came out of the blue is we were all 3 sitting around at dinner time, nothing too urgent just normal everyday stuff, we started a conversation about the past with our son, something like a cute story.....anyway long story short, out of the blue, in front of our 24 yr old son (who all summer he has done nothing with while home) he blurts out:

"I will get married again if you want to"

We have never talked about it, its been since 2005 since his A, we separated for 6 mos after DDay but have been back together since then. Its been a struggle for me and my own issues of accepting this shit sandwich, lots of IC and MC along the way yet here we are.....and he blurts this out of the blue and in front of our son, almost to look like the good guy in my opinion.

Nothing was said and he all sorta talked around it and dropped it. During this conversation he talked about an old Jaguar he used to have and would never fix or repair, he just had to have it, of course it broke down and with 2 kids and 1 car he had to get rides to work. Never would do anything about that car, I finally called a friend of ours and had it towed to a car dealership who gave us very little for it, used it as a trade for a different point being his side of the story was what HE traded it in for and what car we got at that time. I turned to him and reminded him of how that story went down and he said he did not remember it that way.

It was a weird night. I should be happy he asked me to "get married again IF I wanted to?"

painpaingoaway posted 9/20/2013 07:08 AM

Yes, very strange, FWH did something similar and it was also in front of our adult daughter. So weird. Out of the blue, in front of DD, he asked if I wanted to renew our vows. It was completely out of character for him, and I was so caught off guard, I'm afraid I did not handle it well at all. I don't even want to repeat what I said. It wasn't very nice, and it made me look like a bitch in front of our DD.

Kelany posted 9/20/2013 07:30 AM

"if you want to" would have really bothered me.

And the setting of the conversation.

Did you talk to him about it later? Maybe he DOES want to renew vows, but he doesn't know how to say it so he completely jacked it up?

realitybites posted 9/20/2013 08:00 AM

"if you want to" would have really bothered me.

Exactly. Felt like he wasn't really asking me but putting it in MY lap, like it was up to me. And by the ppgaway said above, it was totally out of the blue, it had never been talked about and in front of our son. Very much felt like it wasn't about me so much but about HIM wanting to look good in front of our son.

It was a weird, not good way to ask someone if they wanted to get remarried.

Holly-Isis posted 9/20/2013 08:03 AM

I'm with you there. MrH started talking the other day about having a baby. I've had to go through mourning a miscarriage during the A. It was the third child I wanted and he never did.

He was such an ass during that time I didn't tell him I was pregnant until the miscarriage. Soon after we began R he mentioned having another but not since then and has in fact expressed that he enjoys that the kids are old enough to do more or even be left alone for short periods.

So the baby thing threw me totally.

Does you H touch base with you regularly about his thoughts and feelings? I'm wondering if it's a case of still waters run deep. There's probably more going on in their heads and hearts than we can see.

painpaingoaway posted 9/20/2013 08:12 AM

I just looked at your profile, and saw that your H was 50. I really think it is an 'age' thing. My H is 58, so he's probably even worse about it than yours is, but I think that this age group really struggles with showing their emotions, or talking about 'sweet or romantic' things. I think that they both probably meant well, but they just simply don't know how to approach such things and often look like buffoons when they try. I very much regret responding to my H in the negative manner that I did. Even though I have no intentions of ever renewing vows with him, I could have simply just said, "oh, what a nice sentiment" or something along those lines.

realitybites posted 9/20/2013 12:37 PM

My H is now 58, that was from 2005.

Maybe my problem is that I don't see this as "romantic", I see this as manipulative and passive-aggressive on his part.

The "if you want" part once again leaves me to decide, right? Not him.

Kierst13 posted 9/20/2013 12:40 PM

I put that on par with a back-handed compliment. It's distasteful and shows no respect or affection.

truthsetmefree posted 9/20/2013 12:56 PM

I see this as manipulative and passive-aggressive on his part.

I understand this completely.

I've had the same issue throughout the last 7 years. H. has even "proposed" in much more romantic ways - though the "if you want" has also been part of it. Each time it has left me feeling like I want to respond by punching his lights out....and I can't explain that other than having the exact same opinion as you - it's manipulative and P/A.

I've about decided that my response will be - plan it....let me know when and where I need to be....if you want to.

Simple posted 9/20/2013 14:15 PM

I feel like I need to give this a positive spin for a FWH who I felt did it right.

I was telling him that I don't think it felt like we were every truly married. That I think he married me for all the wrong reasons and I married him for all the right ones. That I had made my decision based on lies that I thought were true at the time. I told him that I feel he married me cause I'm a great back-up plan that will always be there. That no way would I have married him if I had known.

It's been about 6 months after DDay, and he's been doing so good the last 4 of that 6 months. I came home from a long day of work really tired and kind of depressed. He took me upstairs in private, then picked up a whole bunch of roses that was there in the room.

He then went down on his knees and said "I am asking for all the right reasons. You're the only one and I will do anything to be the man you thought you married. Will you marry me? I beg you to please marry me?"

I was surprised and happy and shocked, and confused all at the same time that I didn't say anything for 5 minutes. It looked like he started getting depressed and starting to cry and said that I can understand if you want to say "no" but at least say something. I finally said "I'm sorry I'm thinking a second". He gave me another few minutes and then I finally said "yes" and meant it. I think both sides' walls came down that day, and it's about "US" now.

I hope this helps you guys that there are good waywards out there that knows how to ask.

And yes, he got a brand new ring for me.

[This message edited by Simple at 2:17 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

realitybites posted 9/20/2013 14:53 PM

He took me upstairs in private, then picked up a whole bunch of roses that was there in the room.

He then went down on his knees and said "I am asking for all the right reasons. You're the only one and I will do anything to be the man you thought you married. Will you marry me? I beg you to please marry me?

How wonderful. That took some effort and thought on his part. I am happy for you. He took you updstairs in private, had flowers, went down on one knee....that sounds much better then what happened in my situation. Mine blurted out something with an "if" in it out of the blue. No privacy, no discussion. No effort. Just for show.

whatnow8 posted 9/20/2013 15:00 PM

Thanks for sharing that, Simple. Your fwh is the kind so many of us dream of. It's good to know that there are some good ones out there.

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