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Question about kid birthdays

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WakingFromADream posted 9/20/2013 07:44 AM

So DS has a birthday coming up soon and the X is wanting to do a party together for some of his friends from school. It'll be at a place rather than at either of us are living. Now, to me it sort of makes sense as two parties for school friends seems silly. However, X has also added a little guilt trip in there in that "It wouldn't be fair to DS if both of us weren't there".

I'm inclined to say yes as I am actually know the other parents better and I would have fun except for having to be around X but, I do plan on calling her on the guilt trip.

Thoughts?

ninebark posted 9/20/2013 09:14 AM

You know you are going to have to deal with your Ex on many issues. Why not try to put as much as you can aside for one day and got to your child's birthday party.

Spend time talking to the other parents, watch your son have a good time and give him a happy memory for his birthday. You don't have to deal with the EX any more than you have to and hopefully he will make the day about DS too.

Nature_Girl posted 9/20/2013 10:46 AM

I think most of us here end up doing separate birthday celebrations. You don't have to have identical parties or even the same guests, just do your own thing. Most of us can attest that our kids like having two celebrations.

meaniemouse posted 9/20/2013 11:11 AM

Waking--not sure how old your son is but right after my very ugly divorce our youngest daughter graduated from high school. We had big, wonderful graduation parties for her two older sisters in our home and of course, my baby wanted one of those as well.

I couldn't stand the thought of my ex stepping foot in our house and I, too, got a LOT of guilt trips from people who basically said I should just "get over it" and have the party at the house. I didn't want to rain on my daughter's graduation so instead of having it at my home, I had the party at my older daughter's apartment clubhouse.

It was a large space and I had tons of friends helping me and running interference so I didn't have to run in to her father. We had a huge turnout--everything was fantastic and if I do say so myself--I looked great.

There was no drama but everyone knew what a sacrifice it was for me to include his lying, cheating ass and be gracious while doing so. I came off looking like the picture of "definitely over it," grace and class while he
was--well, himself.

I'd do the joint birthday, have your posse around for a buffer, look like a million bucks, have a smile for everyone and let your fabulous self shine on!
Good Luck--let us know how it goes!

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 11:13 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

GabyBaby posted 9/20/2013 11:17 AM

I'm firmly in the "separate parties" group.
Divorce means that family celebrations of old no longer exist.

Like the previous poster, I will not have XWH set foot on my property, let alone in my home. As soon as XWH moved out, there was no longer combined anything (for the sake of the kids or not). I think combined parties and "family" holidays set up expectations on the kids' part that will become harder to correct the longer you keep things combined.

meaniemouse posted 9/20/2013 11:29 AM

I do agree with GabyBaby that boundaries have to be set because kids often associate joint parties and holidays with the fervent hope that their parents are getting back together. In my case the HS graduation was the very last joint anything that there was with my ex. It was the right thing to do then--and it wasn't totally selfless on my part because it was also a way to send a message--"hey asshole--I don't need you to do wonderful things for my kids."

Now that I have three adult daughters and will most probably be facing weddings in the near future, I am hoping that I can stockpile enough Xanax to get through that.

cmego posted 9/20/2013 11:31 AM

Meh....we do joint parties, but I tend to live on the high road. They are usually somewhere else, and I simply hang out with my friends, while he sits there alone. I will do "my family party" separate, he is not invited.

I tried to do the parties separate, and he pitched such a fit, it wasn't worth arguing over.

stupidstupidme posted 9/20/2013 11:38 AM

I think the parents should both agree on a neutral place and who does what planning - for the FRIENDS of the child - not family, and not parents friends - school friends... when they are old enough to warrant that.

Then - each parent celebrate during their time with the child - with their family traditions, friends, etc...

PurpleRose posted 9/20/2013 19:52 PM

Even before I got the protection order, my answer would have been a big no way.

I have ZERO desire to sit in a lion's cage, let alone a party room, with the Dooosh. I know it would be uncomfortable for all of us - kids included. Even my friends (which includes ALL of the kids' friends) would think this was strange after everything he has done to me.

I don't care to take the "high road" and frankly, I don't think this has anything to do with a road. Its about respect. He disrespected me, our marriage, and our family - including our children - when he cheated with the whore and there is NO way I will ever be near him again.

I'd rather kiss a rattlesnake.

Catwoman posted 9/20/2013 19:54 PM

I agree with SSM: the party for the child's peer group should be at a neutral location and jointly hosted.

Then each family can do what they like.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 7:55 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

ruinedandbroken posted 9/20/2013 20:32 PM

I'm firmly in the "separate parties" group.
Divorce means that family celebrations of old no longer exist.
Like the previous poster, I will not have XWH set foot on my property, let alone in my home. As soon as XWH moved out, there was no longer combined anything (for the sake of the kids or not). I think combined parties and "family" holidays set up expectations on the kids' part that will become harder to correct the longer you keep things combined.

I tend to agree with this. We have separate parties; separate everything. He burnt this bridge and then he took the ashes and he burnt those too. It is NOT in the best interest of my kids for us to do anything jointly as an emotionally wrecked mother is no good to her children.

Gemini71 posted 9/20/2013 21:01 PM

WakingFromADream, my DS has a birthday next week, the first family event since this whole mess started. I'd been debating what to do, leaning towards a 'whole family' get together at a neutral location. Mainly because I'm pretty sure STBXH will forget to plan anything.

Now I'm not so sure. DS has had some issues dealing with WS not living with us anymore. I hadn't thought about raising expectations of us getting back together, and I definitely do not want to do that. DS would probably love the idea of having two parties. But of course, you know your DS better than any of us here.

p.s. I usually give our kids a choice between a big 'friend party' or 'family party and cool gifts.' They usually go for the smaller party and better gifts.

WakingFromADream posted 9/24/2013 21:20 PM

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I decided to agree to the birthday as it is for his classmates at a neutral location. Should be a lot of fun.

devistatedmom posted 9/24/2013 21:35 PM

We each do what we want to celebrate separately for the family part. As for the friends party, it was put into our decree that he look after the party for one kid in the even years, and the other in the oddd years. Obviously, I look after the other one each year. We are past that age now, but it put the expectations sfraight up for us when dd was younger.

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