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forlornheart posted 9/20/2013 08:11 AM

Hi all....my name is Debra and I'm 47 y.o. I recently found out my husband as been having an EA with a woman that lives within walking distance to us! I've been with this man for 20 years, married for 18! Here's our history....it's a bit long, sorry. Thanks in advance for reading about my heartbreak.

OUR HISTORY:

We've been married for 18 years but together for over 20. We have 4 daughters (2 from a previous marriage but he's been their daddy just as he is to the 2 we had together). We have 6 grandchildren! I thought they were happy years together, mostly good years. I thought we had come through a lot of tough situations that had made us stronger as a couple, and even made us better friends. But I guess I was the only one that felt that way. Here is taste of our marital history:

He is a very moody and negative man. Our years together have not always been good but I thought we were strong. Turns out...I'm the only one strong enough to have gone the distance. He is a quitter. He is also a repeat cheater. The first time I found out we were married maybe 5 years....it was long term relationship with someone he met at work, it lasted well over a year and he developed strong feelings for her. I found out I was pregnant and he ended it sometime after that. I found a bunch of letters in his glovebox when I was about 4 months pregnant, he was in the process of ending the relationship when I found out about her. It took counseling and sometime before I forgave him. I never asked him to leave, we stayed together while working through this....

The second time she was a fuck buddy that he acquired a few years later. I still had trust issues at that time and always watched for 'signs'. I caught him quickly and still I turned the other cheek. Even less trust.

In 2005 I became quite ill. I was eventually diagnosed with a neuromuscular disorder which among other things causes me untold pain during intercourse. Once we found out what I was dealing with I told him the door is open if you want to leave. My thinking was 'How will he ever get through this when he couldn't remain faithful when we were having sex?' But he insisted that he was staying......

8 years later, the toll is too great for him now I guess and I found out he was quite friendly with yet another woman!! The actual physical stuff was a back rub but she made it clear she has feelings for him and asked him if kissing was appropriate, then brought up sex, etc. He never told her no...he'd change the subject or simply ignore the question. He told her he no longer thought he wanted to be married. That he was unhappy and that life was so, so bad for him. And I'm supposed to be giving him props for not having sex with her?? It was writing on the wall, I just found out to fast. If he didn't already have it in the back of his mind that he might want more at some point then he WOULD have told her where she stood. I'm not stupid. He has since told her that he's not interested in anything more that a friendship with her. If you believe him anyway....That I guess is supposed to make everybody happy. But the only one happy is him. Him....because he can still see her and her kids. Even knowing the hurt, the pain his continued relationship causes his kids. His feelings are the only ones he's taking into consideration. I'm still confused as to why her kids are 'so attached' to him or vis versa.....makes no sense.

This came out of no where. He never discussed his feelings with me. I never knew he was unhappy. He never said anything to me until I confronted him about her! Though he now says he's been unhappy for years. He swears he's told me repeatedly how he's feeling but the only instances I remember are the daily bitch sessions about one thing or another that has been his pattern for as long as I can remember. How the hell am I suppose to know what issues are truly important?? And what is just him complaining again? They all sound the same I guess cause he said he told me....

He's leaving because I can't have sex....he can't live without it! I've done what I could in that department to make him happy and satisfied. He told me some time back he'd rather do nothing because just doing some things was too difficult. Being left behind because of something I have no control of is one thing but that he continues to sneak over there to 'see her kids' (that's his story) because they've grown close to him and they really need a man in their life??? WTF? He doesn't want to just walk out on them like their own father did so he says....Why would he even put those children in that spot if they are so needy? He has his own children that need him in there own way. Yet they get to feel like they are not the most important in his life because he can't just stay away from there. He appears in every sense to care more about those other children that his own. He knows how devastated his own children are and that they want him NO WHERE near her.

He protects her actions, even after she told me she was going nowhere. She was going to be there for her 'friend'. And she knows how badly our kids are feeling because they told her!!! (Our kids are 30, 28, 16, 14). I showed him this in her own words. But he still makes up excuses. If she gives a rats ass for his children's feeling why the fuck should he even worry about her or hers?? He makes me out to be the bad guy. How am I not suppose to think that he has motivations much more that he confessed. Always more concerned about everyone there. Not showing the regret and remorse that he supposedly feels.

He thinks that everyone should rally round him because he's in pain too?? He doesn't think anyone should be allowed to be mad at him, or sad, confused...or just plain needing a little time to process everything.

This has crushed me, his 4 children....the grandchildren don't know yet. And he wants his cake and to eat it to....

Even not taking my feelings into consideration....shouldn't he honor his children's??

I really think I need some serious counseling to explore why I took him back, took him back and took him back. There were other one night stands before marriage that his friend told me about many years later. I don't know how many....nor do I really care at this point. I just need to get this figured out....if one day I heal enough, and can trust enough, I don't want to get myself in the same type of situation with another man.

So....this is my world. Trying to sort it all out one day at a time. The marriage is over. He doesn't want me.....and I could never, ever take him back. Whatever trust had been rebuilt is gone, gone, gone.....

I asked him to move out mid-August and it's been tough but the shady bastards not coming back here. My heart loves him but my head says....nope, never again!

MJane posted 9/20/2013 08:15 AM

So sorry you had to join us here - just wanted to send some good thoughts your way (am newish here myself - 18 days post D-day - my H started an affair in my last months pre-birth of first baby). You'll have lots better advice from people who have had time to reflect & I have found this group to be a real life saver in recent weeks so just want to say take good care of yourself and so sorry someone treated you this way

Ashland13 posted 9/20/2013 08:27 AM

Just wanted to say also that I'm sorry for your pain and discoveries...it's terrible.

I don't know if it will help any, but one of the first things I learned to do was to try to put my heart and mind back together, because it felt like they became split. My mind understood, but my heart took him back many times because I couldn't give up my dreams for the future and all the work in the past. But, I was the only one working or caring about any of it any longer. That was a hard thing to reconcile in myself and even though I heard it with my ears and processed it with my brain, my heart still loved...and bled.

One thing that "helped" me move on was the man himself, for as he became more entwined and coerced by OW, he became more hostile to me and that helped push me away. It helped clear my fog and see that this was not a safe person for me and was not my friend any longer.

There are so many realizations to sort out and it doesn't come all at once; it comes gradually, kind of like a sunrise and when you get to the end it can be a beautiful, positive thing...but takes time to get there.

I'm glad that you stated that you won't take him back again, because that seems like one of the first ways to move forward and to protect ourselves from pain that was continuing...we don't have to take it and we don't have to be naïve or tricked by them any longer.

We have the rest of our lives to live too and another thing that helped me was thinking of the different, totally unsafe things the affair and he brought to our home and children...possible illness with STD's, strangers and so on.

I will close by saying that one thing that feels good and
brings back some pride is taking the high road AOAP (as often as possible).

I wish you peace on your road to recovery.

forlornheart posted 9/20/2013 10:32 AM

Thank you both so much for your replies! I've been lurking around these boards for a couple of weeks now. Knowing I needed all the support I could find, but not sure if I was really ready to support as well as be supported. I've seen several posts that I've wanted to reach out to the poster and share my experiences. SI seems to have many, many caring people that are reaching out to others and quite honestly I wanted.....needed to be a part as well! So again....thank you. I really appreciate your support!

toomanytimes posted 9/20/2013 11:58 AM

Forlorn, I'm sorry that you are having such pain and having to endure this trauma. I want you to know you are not alone. I am also new to this site, and being able to vent and talk about my situation for the first time has helped me so much. I know you will get very good advice here as I have.

SI has been an actual life saver for me personally. Again, I'm sorry and as someone did me, I welcome you with a hug.

Simple posted 9/20/2013 12:34 PM

Forlorn, welcome to SI, I bumped a few threads for all of you newbies to hopefully learn from. I know they've been helpful to a lot of people including me.

Hugs your way.

forlornheart posted 9/20/2013 18:50 PM

Toomanytimes and simple....thank you both for the warm welcome. I'll take all the hugs I can get cause I'm feeling used and disposable! Neither a good thing. A positive thought did cross my mind today that he was probably biding his time till for another 4 years....the he could have tossed me aside with no child support. He didn't think about spousal support he's going to have to pay since I became disabled during the course of our marriage. But I digress....my positive thought was that at least he's not using me for the next four years! I'll be long away and happy while he will be a miserable person always:) I love what I've seen with the board so far....really great people with a lot of advice and compassion!

Hugs to all!
Deb