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Zero Remorse

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NoAnswers37 posted 9/20/2013 08:57 AM

Not quite sure where to start with this, but I hope someone might be able to help me with a few questions I have.

Here’s my story:

I met someone a year ago on line, and we had a very strong loving and happy relationship. We were long distance so made sure we would not go more than two weeks without seeing each other – I have my own place so he tended to come to me. He lives with his parents (had lived alone previously) but decided to stay there so he could save for when he moved in with me so we could get new things together and make my home OUR home – he was going to move in in December. So when I went to see him I was integrated with his family life and we all got on very well. We spoke about marriage and children in a very serious way, even planning when we should start trying etc.

I have had some very hard times in my life, so I finally felt at peace and that I had ‘caught up with life’ and was on track with the man I thought I was going to marry. I overcame some insecurities with him and I cannot reiterate enough how happy we were…

So a few weeks ago I found out about his secret other life – he had been on dating sites throughout the relationship and had been sending explicit emails (with photos…) to dozens of women he had met on the various sites. We were on holiday, I panicked, broke down, became hysterical and we got an earlier flight back to the UK. It was utter hell. I managed to somehow drive back to mine and the next day woke up feeling completely lost and broken. And very, very alone. Now, not to make light of the agony I have been feeling, but the cheating part I have managed to kind of get straight in my head. I believe he is an addict. My friends have all commented on what a gentleman he was and that he was a very gentle and kind person, so it is like he is living out another life online. That is his problem.

For the first two weeks we had a bit of contact – I had questions which I needed answering and he was happy to provide and information I needed. He said he also needed to focus on what is going on in his head, move out, get his own place, grow up and then re-think ‘us’ in a few months time. My initial reaction was that he was not fighting for me one bit, but family and friends actually agreed that I need to do the same – take time out and heal and then see how I feel in a few months time. Hearing them say that almost gave me the sense of not having to rush anything, so I took my time processing everything I had seen on his phone, whilst still grieving the man and the relationship I had loved so much. I started coming to terms with the fact that that man did not really exist – the boyfriend I loved would never have betrayed me, but he was all along. I know many of you can relate to that feeling.

So, at the beginning of the week I got a niggle in my stomach – I went on a dating site to do a search, and sure enough – there he was. Single and looking for a relationship. I have found him on another site too. The site we met on. This is less than two weeks after our holiday and the reveal and subsequent breakup. I sent him a text saying that he would never hear from me again, but I wanted him to know that he is acting like a predator and he should get help. I said it was nice to know how much I meant to him.

His reply totally floored me. It was something along the lines of: I’m sorry we did not work out but we were clearly not meant to be. I have been messed around before and it sucks but we both need to move on. Look at the bigger picture… two people met, had some good times but were not meant to be.

My God, ‘some good times’??? That is the biggest insult he could have given me. We both mutually agreed that we wanted our future together and he would openly discuss our plans with my friends and family. We were so excited about it. He even asked me to measure my ring finger a few months ago. The happiness I felt walking into the jewellers is unexplainable.

So now I am dealing with a whole new set of emotions. I have not replied to him and never will. Can anyone help with what the hell could be going through his mind? I cannot decide if he was acting all along or if he could only hold off his dark side for so long. Or if he is hurting and is doing this to push me away?

We both said on many occasions throughout the relationship how lucky we were to have found each other. He even said that people wait a long long time to find a love like ours…

I have no idea. I am done but now have to start all over again. I feel totally battered and cannot see much happiness for the future. I put so much of my past behind me to trust him, and this is what he does. How on earth will I ever trust again? I am 30 soon and was so grateful that I had found my partner to grow old with and have a family with, and that has all been taken away from me. I really feel like I am going to miss the boat.

Reading back on what I have written the pain I have felt has not come across at all – but I just cannot put down in words what this is and has been like. Sadly though, I don’t think I really need to as you have all felt the same…thank you for reading.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/20/2013 10:16 AM

NoAnswers, I'm sorry that this guy has treated you in this manner, and it will be a bit difficult for you to learn to trust again. The upside is that, luckily, you have found out *who* he is sooner rather than later. I know that doesn't diminish the hurt that you feel right now, though.

I think that you have pegged him correctly. Predator.
That is how it *reads* to me also.....and yes, I believe that he put on an *act* for you. I don't believe that any of the things that he said to you were real in an authentic way. Unfortunately, there are people in this world that lack the capacity/emotional depth for a healthy and true relationship.

You are ahead of the game right now as you seem to be very staunch in your *it's over and NC* attitude. Sometimes these predatory-type people get their hooks into you deep enough that it is hard to break free. And these types of people are oftentimes very, very good at re-engaging you -- so be on the lookout for that, but be very thankful if he does not try to contact you again.

Understand that none of this has to do with anything about *you*. Remember that it is just *who he is*. As blunt as this is, think of it this way: you were just the warm body in front of him or on the phone with him at that point in time.

{{{hugs}}} I know that it hurts a lot right now, but you will be able to recover and survive.

Simple posted 9/20/2013 12:40 PM

we're here for you noanswers. Looks like he's the type to be in-love with love. See my signature below and I think that's all the answers you need at this point.

I also bumped a few posts for you specifically the 180.

Hopefully they help you be whole again. A whole person, confident and secure will attract many. And hopefully the picker gets better too. Sometimes the people who are afraid to be alone are the ones who don't really know themselves. My FWS was afraid to be alone and he had to accept himself good/bad and become a better person before he realized he will be ok no matter what. Honestly I think that can apply to us betrayed as well.

Hugs your way.

NoAnswers37 posted 9/20/2013 13:16 PM

Gonnabe - I really agree with a lot of what you say, and it gives me strength to hear that you think I am ahead of the game. I didn't actually think I was but your comment has put some perspective on everything. With regard to him getting his claws back in - I very much doubt he will. I feel discarded, of no use to him anymore. But what I have learnt is that I do not understand his mind anymore, so with not knowing what his next move would be I put my defences in place: I built my Army. I have spoken to my close friends about this and been 100% honest about all my feelings. Doing that in itself has helped a lot, but it has also put support and another perspective in place in case I wobble or have a weak moment. They are all being very gentle with me, but I know they would not let me put myself in dangers way without a quiet word first!

Simple - thank you too for your reply and for bumping the threads. I looked at the 180 when this all began but think I need to sit down tomorrow and look at it with fresh eyes. The situation has changed from day to day, but now I feel an end has been put to it so my recovery can really start now.

Dawnie posted 9/20/2013 13:49 PM

I am so sorry for your pain...

On a positive note, thank your lucky stars that you found about who he really is before you married and had kids with him...


shiloe posted 9/20/2013 16:13 PM

but were not meant to be.

Really?? So why talk about moving in together, having kids together, getting married.
These doosh know how to play the game. He is a USER.

I have been messed around before

Seriously??!! Oh, well in that case . . . that gives you the right to do it to other people.
I know the pain you are in and the loss you feel, but he would have been cheating on you if you did marry him and you probably would have divorced him anyway.

forlornheart posted 9/20/2013 19:04 PM

I'm so new here I probably shouldn't reply but my heart aches for you. It's hard when the person you love turns into a stranger but it's gotta be worst when they never why were who you thought they were. I really do think he's a predator going after woman and getting what he can....even if it's just a collection of hearts!

I know you're going to grieve because he was after all real to you but count your blessing that you found out early enough.

What a creeper!

Sending a big hug your way! I'm so, so sorry!


Gajit posted 9/20/2013 19:12 PM

Internet creeper who is playing games. That's my take.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/20/2013 20:16 PM

I predict that you are going to be just fine. Make sure and stay NC with him and continue to lean on your 'support' system (sounds as if you have a good, strong one in place which is a good thing).

If you have a bit of spare time, Dr. Phil's book Life Code might be a good read for you. You mentioned that you are afraid that you won't be able to *trust* anyone again and that book gives some good signs (red flags) to watch out for and drives home the point that it is *okay* to not grant unconditional trust or the *complete* benefit of the doubt to people that you know in life, new and old.

You'll grieve for what you thought you had and the loss of the dreams that you had in your mind.....and that is totally normal.
But you'll be okay....

NoAnswers37 posted 9/21/2013 07:14 AM

Thank you all.

But my word, today is a hard day. I cannot get my head around the sudden change of everything. Of how happy and loved I felt only a few weeks ago. I am really struggling with all the wonderful memories I have, now knowing what was going on the whole time.

I never thought or believed anyone could be that happy, and now I fear I will never come close to that again.

We were meant to have been together this weekend - I know I shouldn't look but he is online now... I convinced myself last night that he was out on a date. Probably slept with her...

Sorry for my rant, I just feel like I will explode if I do not get it off my chest.

NoAnswers37 posted 9/21/2013 07:54 AM

Another thought I have had - I feel like it is two people I am dealing with here. The one before I knew and the one after. The one before was the one I was in love with, my best friend. The one after has gone cold and has no remorse and is on dating sites...

I want my brain to marry up both people so I can start getting through this somehow. But one minute I think that I am better off now that I know and have walked away (even if I didn't want to, he has discarded me) and the next minute I think about the "old" him and cannot get my head around the fact that this is the same person!!

Everyone says I need time. We all need time. Does anyone have a time machine??

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 9/21/2013 18:22 PM does honestly get better. It does take time, but I suggest, as many others do, you keep yourself as busy as possible. Spend very few evenings alone, find your good friends, make plans for your house/apt. Get a dog. Walk, exercise...I will say don't sit and watch movies, and save novels for about a year from now. Don't pass time, just do what you want and keep active. Join clubs, go to free shows, concerts, hang out with everyone and anyone who you are safe and comfortable with. Makes the time pass, and eventually it becomes your life.

It takes 3-4 weeks to form a new habit, and 3-4 months for those habits to solidify, so part of where you are is in that lost zone where you're just not able to function quite right. It does get better. I promise.

Take2 posted 9/22/2013 19:46 PM

I think you are right about the 2 different people - but not the before and after. Those two people co-existed on separate planes in the same time frame.

There was the guy planning his future with you. And the guy who "had been on dating sites throughout the relationship and had been sending explicit emails (with photos…) to dozens of women..."

My guess is he keeps both worlds very separated in his head (compartmentalization at its best.)

When you found out about his other self - his secret life, that was it. Because those two worlds can't peacefully co-exist not even in his own head,(thus the need to compartmentalize). He is unwilling or unable to give up his other self and that is likely a blessing in the long run. In the short run it is going to hurt like hell, no doubt about it. But it will get better, promise!

NoAnswers37 posted 9/25/2013 09:47 AM

Thank you all for your advice - I have re-read everything and just waiting for things to feel better.

I am very lucky yes that I found out now, but my heart is still in a place where I wish it just never ever happened at all!! The fact that he has cut me off and lives 100 miles away is making it so hard too. It feels like no chance for any closure for me, whist he is speaking to girls on line and carrying on with his life. I know I will never see him or hear from him again, and I have so much to say to him. I have no idea what he has told his family what happened - I was pretty close to them, especially his sister (still friends on FB but no contact)

I really don't want it to come across like we just had a little relationship ad I was the one with the dreams about the future etc. It was the real deal. 4 weeks ago we were talking about what "our" neighbours will be like as I am getting new ones and hea was meant to be moving in. It just does not seem real.

Last night I told a friend about what happened - she cried her eyes out - could not believe it.

I want to get to the angry stage now. I am sick of this pain and confusion.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/25/2013 10:03 AM

He sounds like a sociopath. My XWH is with one right now. They breeze in and out of one life after another without any regards for the person.

The OW screwed around on her first husband with his boss. He lost it. He killed the OM (who was his friend) then killed himself. THis was 15 years ago. 15 years later, she is remarried and screwing around with my husband who is her H friend!!!!! Sounds like a sociopath to me! Now, we are all Divorced, she lives with my XWH and she is screwing around on him!! My XWH is totally clueless. He thinks she and he are together forever. She is a con artist. Evil.

So, what I have learned here on SI is that No Contact is for us to heal. Because every contact = new hurts.

Someone upstairs is looking out for you. If you had children, they would be going with him every weekend. Many of us on this site have terrible weekends when the kids are with them because we don't know what is happening to our children while they are with these serial cheaters/sex addicts/sociopaths.

Take time to heal and NC = no new hurts.

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