That was on a Monday. Wednesday - because my gut wouldnt leave me alone and I could feel something was up - I snooped around his phone records. We have a family plan so this was no problem. I was at work when I did it and I wished I had waited until I got home. For two months - which is as far back as I could look - he had been talking non stop to some OW. Talking on the phone for hours while I was at work, texting all day long. Obviously the phone records couldnt show me any text messages, but it was all there. Who was this person he was talking to all day? Even while he was at work - when he "couldnt be on his phone" so he "couldnt text me". I couldnt stay at work so I faked being sick - easy since I was pregnant at the time - and ran home to approach him. When I did, he said it was just a friend. He went on and on about how hard it is to deal with my moods sometimes, how distant we've been, how we fight all the time and how hard it had been on him. He said he needed someone to talk to and made a mistake by confiding in someone else. He swore it was nothing more than that and even said that this girl was also in a relationship with kids and neither of them had any intent to cheat. He said she was just his friend. I - however reluctantly - listened to him. I couldnt accept that he did this. I didnt believe him, but I wanted to and so I chose to take his word. He was always home with me unless he was at work, never went out on the weekends, so I had no real reason to believe this was anything more than just phone conversations. Though he never wanted to go into detail about the nature of this relationship, he remained adamant that it was just a friend hearing him out. He swore they would never talk again.
Obviously I continued to check his call records, I logged into his FB account regularly, I was a spying mess. This went on for about a month until one day he forgot his phone at home and I looked through it again. No messages were found or anything. I went on youtube, on his phone, just to watch videos. The search history on youtube was for songs about loving two women, not knowing what to do, playing both fields...yea, shit like that. In my mind, these were all things he was sending to her. Meaning, he was "in love" with two women and was confused. That was my take on it. So I lied to him and said I received an anonymous text and demanded to know the truth. I said I knew he lied to me beforehand and this girl was not just a friend.
He admitted to lying. He said it was never anything physical, said he never kissed her much less have sex or anything, and that they really did just talk on the phone. He said she was there for him but again - never got into detail.
This happened in May. Our daughter was born in July and all I could think was if it werent for this baby, I probably wouldnt be in this relationship. I know for a fact I would never have given him the time of day to explain anything and would have just left his sorry ass for lying. I think that had he been honest when I fist approached him, I would have been more open to his feelings and considered what he had to say. But he lied twice about what he was doing, and now that he is being "honest" I cant help but feel like its a load of shit too. TBH, if I didnt have to go behind his back to find all this shit out, if he were open and upfront, I would have forgiven him regardless of the nature of that relationship. It would have showed me that he was willing to work past it and wanted a fresh start. But he lied over and over. Just looked me in the eyes while I cried for him, and lied.
I do not believe anything this guy says to me, however simple it may be. I do not believe all he did was talk to this girl, otherwise, why lie so much about it? I try so hard to understand why he never once tried to talk to me about how he was feeling, but instead allowed some stranger to comfort him. I told him I couldnt deal with it. I hate comparing myself to anyone else and thats what I would be doing. Constantly wondering what she has that I dont, what she does that I dont. He said he wanted me to give us a chance and allow us to be a family. As if he did that. I figured I was being hormonal and not thinking straight because I was pregnant so I told myself I would give it time and see what happens. But not a day goes by that I dont think about it, every time he leaves to do anything at all I wonder who he's going to go see, every time he looks at his phone I wonder if he's talking to her. I hate living like that! I dont want a relationship like that! I hate him for ruining us! I have no idea what was going on with this OW or if it is even still going on. I dont want to end us but I dont want to be with him under this kind of strain. I love him, I trusted him with every fiber of my being, I wanted so badly to believe him and I did! Only to find out he's just a liar. Why would he lie to me? I have no idea what to do, how to fix this, or what to think. When I bring it up, he says it was so long ago and I should get over it. I want him to tell me her name, how they met, what they talked about, if he ever went to see her, I wanna know everything. I feel like thats the only way I can find closure and either move on or let go. I dont think he will tell me, and if he does I think he'd lie about it all. I am not over this, probably will not get over it. What pisses me off the most, is BF sort of acts like it was my fault he had to do it. He makes me feel like if I wasnt a hormonal bitch while pregnant, I would have been easier to get along with and he wouldnt have had to go looking for a friend. And when I bring up separation, he asks why I would do that to our family. How does he not see that HE did that, not me. HE broke us. He broke me.
Cheating is easy! Why dont you try something more challenging - like being faithful.
Don't discount your intuition yet. Words at this point are cheap and you need to see actions to believe. The first thing might be to check the phone records to see if he is still in contact. If he is then you will want to insist that a No Contact letter be sent if he is serious about being a family.
Other actions that will help you to believe will be how he engages to you and to the family. Does it give indication that he is investing in those relationships?
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
The library has a lot of good stuff as well as posts here such as these:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740
and more. I will bump what I can.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
I truly hate to say this, but I sincerely doubt that *all* that they did was talk. It was a definite EA (emotional affair), yes, but I don't think that he's telling you the truth about a PA (physical affair). As you've learned, he can lie directly to your face. It's very rare to stay in an EA for a long time without it turning physical. You are probably in for more discoveries of lies.
And you don't have the power to FORCE someone to have an affair. You, nor I, nor anyone else here have that kind of power. Your WBF CHOSE to have an affair. It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't an oopsie, it was a conscious decision, a choice. All made by him. Were you the raging bitch from hell with your head spinning in 360s, spewing pea soup 24/7, you would not be to blame for his A. He had choices. He could have talked to you, broke up with you, sought counseling, all valid choices. Instead he chose to betray not only you, but your baby. And if he had a PA, he CHOSE to endanger your health and the health of the baby you carried.
(((hugs))) Come back often for support.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Prissy, I'm sorry for what you are going through. The lying is what has been worse for me also. Like you, I wanted to know everything in order to have closure. It's been several years since DD for me and had very little to no TT. But since I have started receiving my real education upon joining SI, I now realize it is most probable I will never know the truth, the real truth that I have so desperately sought after. I am now trying to adjust and get used to the fact - I WILL NEVER KNOW.
Please realize your self worth and know that you did not cause this. Hugs to you.
After much thinking, I realized that I'm holding onto this because I feel as though I am only getting the tip of the iceberg as far as his story. This past Friday night, I sat him down and said I wanted him to be honest with me if our relationship was to last past that night. I told him I would listen without passing judgement, understood that things happen and people make mistakes, and that unless he opened up to me, I would never be able to understand WHY he allowed a relationship out side of ours to flourish.
He told me what he swears to me is the truth. Although he's sworn before, I want so badly to believe that this is the last time we will have to revisit this topic. He said she was there to tell him exactly what he wanted to hear. He picked up his ego where I failed to do so because I was so focused on negative things going on a the time. I aked him (yet again) if he ever met with her and he said yes. He said if he was going out to run a quick errand, he would ask her to meet at a park or something, and said it only happened "once or twice." I asked him (yet again) if there was ever any physical contact between them. He approached me and he teared up when he said "I promise our lips only met one time and it wasn't a makeout session."
I repeated over and over that I would not deal with finding out more to this story later in our relationship, either months or years down the line. I emphasized that I would not tolerate this again. He says he gave me the honest truth, that he was afraid of hurting me with the truth before, and that he only told me because I wanted to hear it. He said he thought it would be too painful to hear. It is in fact painful o hear that my best friend and lover confided in another woman, yes. But a lie, no matter how small, will always hurt more than the truth in the end.
I want to believe this man that I so love with everything I am. If he is lying, I wouldnt have the strength to stay with him and continue to fight for what he obviously doesnt give a shit about. I hope I am not being foolish and naive with my choice to accept his actions, believe his word, and move on with our lives together.
It felt amazing to lay down my boundaries and explain what I want from a relationship. But I hate every second of all this mess.
But...
But we have had WSs that have sworn on their mother's, their children's, the most important person's life in their life, for chrissakes, their unborn child in the womb lives, that what they have said is the honest to God, I shit you not, THE truth, before all that they treasure and that treasure them. With tears in their eyes and unsteady voices.
All to have been proved a lie. A Big Fat Stinking Lie. Upon which discovery, they swear upon all that is Holy and Good to them again. Sometimes again, and again.
FWIT, I think that he has told you some of the truth. But you cannot, absolutely cannot believe that this is the entire truth. Because liars lie. And he is a liar. Any truth and trust that you had, is gone, and that bucket is empty.
You need to look at his actions, to see if what he is telling you of remorse is true. He needs to see an IC to figure out why it was OK for him to betray you. You need a full and complete timeline from him to start putting your shattered life together. And again, you need to look At His Actions, NOT his words, which are cheap and have been proven to be lies, to see your way forward.
I wanted, desperately, with my heart in my throat and my soul begging, to believe my FWHs words. And most of his words were true. But not all, and a lie that he held deep to himself, that I discovered after I had forgiven him, almost caused me to divorce him. I left him. I walked away. I didn't think that I would come back. It was only by God's Grace of opening his eyes, that we are together today. We should not be.
So do not, in your earnest desire to put this behind you, latch upon words alone, and cast your lot with a proven liar. Respect yourself and make him earn his way back to your side. YOU are worth FAR more. It is HIS job to EARN his way back into your life. And until he is willing to do that and whatever that takes, nothing else takes priority.
Come back often. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))
