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brokensmile322 posted 9/20/2013 10:54 AM

How do you make it from one session to the next when it doesn't feel good when you leave?

How do you hold off on all these feelings?

Do you just supress them until the next meeting? I am not really good at that. I am a dive in and fix now type person.

My WH is getting very, very frustrated with this whole process which may be a sign for me to back off.

How do you act then toward your WS? I am not feeling all lovey, dovey at the moment.

My IC told me to try and save it for the MC's office. She tried to tell me to work on our relationship and make it strong in between.

But it doesn't feel authentic when there is this much negative emotion swirling about for both of us.

What say you?

LosferWords posted 9/20/2013 11:29 AM

I would say to pick a set time each day to talk about this, whether it's 30 minutes or an hour, it needs to be talked about. Communication is critical, yet at the same time it is very helpful to keep it as structured and constructive as possible.

Why doesn't your IC want you to have these discussions outside of MC?

brokensmile322 posted 9/20/2013 11:32 AM

She thinks it is important to keep building the M. In other words, we shouldn't be focusing on the 'problems' all day long.

Maybe that is where I am at fault. It hasn't been solved, so I want to talk about it to solve it. It doesn't get solved, so we are always talking about it.

Maybe it is me. Maybe I am the fucked up one.

LosferWords posted 9/20/2013 11:38 AM

No, you are not the fucked up one. Not at all. Good Lord.

I agree that there comes a time where the focus should be on the positive, and building the marriage, BUT, if this stuff is still impacting you and still on your mind, it needs to be talked about, not swept under the rug.

Is there a way to come to a compromise between what your IC is saying and what you are feeling? Maybe talk about it during a set time each day?

Keep in mind that your IC is human too, and sometimes they can give bad advice. I view individual counselors much like I do the advice you find on SI, take what you need, and leave the rest.

ItsaClimb posted 9/20/2013 13:01 PM

I've been wondering this same thing.

I am very down at the moment and it seems like we haven't had one conversation lately that hasn't degenerated into a shouting match - instigated by me (I think if it was up to fWH he would not talk about the A at all, and would go on living in la-la land quite happily!) There is just SO much that is bugging me/infuriating me/getting me down at the moment. Ideally, I would like to do what your IC suggests and keep all the bad stuff to sort out at MC, but is that realistic?

I get what your IC is saying, in that I think that inbetween dealing with all the horrible stuff, somewhere along the line we need to be building our marriages too, focussing on the positives and growing the good. I feel like there has been NOTHING positive between me and my fWH for the last few weeks and that CANNOT be good. Maybe it's time for me to try to put what your IC said into action! Perhaps I'll try to keep a list of all the bad stuff that comes up, save it for MC and try to focus on the "good stuff" between sessions? I just don't know if I am capable of that right now... worth a try though!