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datura222 posted 9/20/2013 11:53 AM

What is a reasonable amount of discussion regarding the affair?

How often do you question your WS about their feelings on the affair, or question facts about the affair?

I am about 3 months post Dday, and barely a day goes by where I am not grilling him about his affair, our relationship, how hurtful it is when he shuts down while I am talking to him etc.

WH does not like to discuss the affair in depth, he shuts down. His shutting down makes me escalate and badger him further as all I want to see is an emotional response from him that shows he is thinking about it and working through things.

Some days I email him over 8 times a day with thoughts about the affair....and I make him stay up at night and want to talk about things for 1-2 hours.

Am I losing my mind? I feel like I am drowning in anxiety and sorrow....

datura222 posted 9/20/2013 11:55 AM

Wanted to add...when I talk about the affairs at night, he doesn't give me eye contact, and gives few word responses. I just feel like I am the only one ever bringing up the affair or wanting to discuss it, and his lack of interest seems to fuel my desire to talk about it further in hopes that he will respond somehow....

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/20/2013 11:58 AM

I am 4 months out and we don't talk much about the actual A as far as questions/feelings because for me at this point I feel I have beat it to death. However it was a fairly short EA/PA (a month or so) so that helps I'm sure.

Have you thought about setting a specific time to talk things through and maybe even a length (30 min - an hour) unless you both agree to continue. I understand the need to want to talk and talk and talk but I do imagine it wearing on a WS, especially when it's all day long and/or at work. Hopefully the two of you can find a happy medium!! :)

ETA: if he doesn't want to discuss it that probably changes things. I guess I responded under the assumption that he did want to talk it's just too much. (((Hugs)))

[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 12:00 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

OldCow18 posted 9/20/2013 12:00 PM

You say you are 3 months post d-day but your signature says d-day was in 2012...?

I'm 3+ months post d-day and we don't go a day without it coming up, unless, of course, we're not speaking to eachother, sigh. If it were up to WH we'd never discuss it, but due to TT and false R, I feel we are maybe further behind than those that maybe did everything right from the beginning.

datura222 posted 9/20/2013 12:02 PM

OC: oops, just changed that..it was in 2013.

Rebreather posted 9/20/2013 12:07 PM

I can see how his shutting down is making you crazy. You really cannot reconcile from an affair without the full engagement of the wayward.

In the early days you need and should talk about it a lot. I would say we discussed his affair in some manner every day for.. 6 months? 8 months? 12 months? A long time. We would also talk a lot late into the night. It was hard but you know. When you are trying to save your marriage, it takes some effort.

There a couple of different issues at play here. One, is that some waywards really do need some time to change from their "old" selves into a new, healthy partner. Some really don't have it in them to do this in the early months. Which means that it is on them to go to IC and get the tools they need to become a fully participatory partner in the healing and your marriage.

Being, though, that we are all human, there can be a place where limits are set on the discussions. Especially if they are devolving. This can buy you some time while you heal a bit and aren't so raw and he heals enough to become helpfully engaged.

I'd suggest laying off the emails and work on a 1 hour per night (or some such) time frame to discuss things. But he needs to know he needs to participate. If he isn't in IC, he needs to be. Not that I believe IC is the only cure-all, but when a wayward isn't growing and progressing, they often need outside help.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 12:08 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

soconfusednow posted 9/20/2013 12:31 PM

In the Wayward Side Forum there is a thread Things that every WS needs to know

My WH just didn't understand what I was going through or what I needed. I printed it out and asked him to read it.
It explained a lot of things I couldn't express. Are things perfect now? No, they never will be. They certainly are better though. His reactions to my actions(questions etc.) have changed a lot.

Since I'm not ready to share this site with him yet (I think of it as my safe place) I made sure the header & footers were turned off, cut the SurvivngInfedelity.com off the top of the page, and took a fat black permanent marker to any site references.

Every day I had more questions and it went on & on. It just wouldn't stop. Continuing like that wore me down bad. I took a few days made a list of every question I could think of. Then I asked WH if he had any plans. When he said no, I said let's talk and pulled the notebook of questions out. We made it through the entire list, even though he wanted to stop part way through. I told him I needed to keep going and he continued even though he wanted to stop.

I still have questions, but not everyday. I have good days where I can "live in the moment" and bad days where things are crashing down around me.

The good days are getting more frequent

I just hope I'm not pulling the wool over my eyes.

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 12:34 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Arnold01 posted 9/20/2013 13:04 PM

It'll be three months for us next week. I wanted to talk about the A constantly, and my husband shut down as well. He shared that while he was open to talking, the constant analysis was exhausting to him.

And I realized that because my feelings were so up and down by the minute, what I was sharing was stream of consciousness thinking more than my actual feelings. This was confusing for fWH - sorting through what I really felt and needed from him vs. things I was just saying in the moment.

So we decided to have our big, deep conversations about the A once a week. As hard as that seemed at first, for me it really helped as I could organize my thinking and prepare. When we had the conversations, I was able to make them much more helpful to my healing.

So whether you decide to have one conversation a day or three a week or whatever, you might find a lot of benefit in collecting your thoughts and focusing your mind before sharing with your spouse. Good luck and hugs to you!

truthsetmefree posted 9/20/2013 13:06 PM

Yeah...I was the same. And my FWH was the same. There were occasions where he left and went to a motel because he "just had to be able to get some sleep."

Part of it is that you are trying to work through all that you are feeling and put all the pieces of your life back together again. Your past no longer makes sense so you cannot even begin to trust your interpretation of your present. This makes the future seem all that much more overwhelming and unpredictable. So, yeah...you're probably somewhat obsessive.

BUT...your H is likely not helping you either. If he is in this marriage then he also has a responsibility to HELP you move through this. He doesn't get to be the only one with all the answers and expect you to just "trust him" with the future. You will ask questions until you are able to make sense of some of this and therefore be able to process it. And you will continue to badger him until he becomes willing to HELP you through this process without any resentments or ideas that he should control it.

All this now is really about him trusting you.

SpiderGrl posted 9/20/2013 15:27 PM

I'm 2.5 months out from EA dd. MC suggested to schedule a day and time to talk about it. To write down the things I think of daily. I made him pick the day and time. Our first official scheduled talk is Monday at 9:45pm. So far the journaling that has evolved from taking notes is really helping me.

heartbroken7110 posted 9/20/2013 15:39 PM

Well I am 5 years in R & I still have questions! He has answered everything at this point. BUT at 3 months in he shut down also & did NOT want to discuss...drove me insane!!! Now he has became more open & responsive. I think as the Betrayed spouse we will forever have or come up with questions forever! Just hope they get better about answering them, mine has & I'm sure if ur WS is remorseful & time passes they will too.

iwillNOT posted 9/20/2013 18:20 PM

I think the idea of limiting the times/days for the discussions about the affair is probably a good idea, and one I am considering also. I'll bet it's pretty stressful for YOU as well as him, to feel like it's constant and all you think about.

Maybe he is shutting down because he feels under siege and worn down. I'm only a baby newbie here, but for what it's worth- my WH and I were similarly exhausted and felt like the talking was becoming counterproductive. I was upset because he was pulling away and shutting down, and he felt pounded by my constant questions, anger, and emotion. We agreed to " float" for the weekend - tried not to talk about the affair( though we did a little), spent time together, tried to have fun and pamper each other and comfort. It helped both of us a lot, and was a reminder of the fact that we do enjoy and care for each other. WH was much more responsive to me after the break, less defensive and not shutting down like he had been. I also felt better emotionally after taking a breather.

You do deserve answers to ALL your questions! But maybe you could try to pace yourself?

I wish you peace.