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DD knows, has been holding it in..

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fourever posted 9/20/2013 14:32 PM

15 year old daughter has been having issues with depression, school, etc.

She confessed to me yesterday that she knows about fwh's A.
Taking her to counseling this afternoon, to my IC, as she knows whole story, but what else to do for DD?

Advice please on:
My Role,
FWH Role (she's furious with him), he feels like shit for doing this to all of us.

She's been holding this in since just about DDay, but didn't say. I thought I had put her mind to rest, not knowing that she knew what she did.

MOW predator should be very scared, I am pissed all over again. She has now affected my entire family of 6. Think I have some info her husband doesn't know, but will now. My fwh knows it's not just her fault.

RyeBread posted 9/20/2013 14:43 PM

Might be time for your fWH to sit down with DD and apologize in some way. Maybe during the next counseling session your DD has. I think she is definitly old enough for him to have some accountability to her too.

very sorry

[This message edited by RyeBread at 2:44 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

LosferWords posted 9/20/2013 15:40 PM

((fourever's DD))

I think it's a great idea that you are taking her to your IC appointment. Hopefully your counselor will be able to help your daughter see things in perspective.

Really sorry to hear that she has secretly had this burden for so long. I hope talking about it will provide her with some relief.

fourever posted 9/20/2013 20:35 PM

I stepped out so she could vent and talk freely. Doesnt want to discuss this weekend, but appt made for her and dad on monday.
Never wanted her to know. Every daughters hero is Daddy. Now what?

gonnabe2016 posted 9/20/2013 20:49 PM

4, there is NOTHING more powerful than a sincere apology that is buttressed by actions. Your DD is going to be angry and upset (and it's sad that she knew about this and didn't talk to you about it).....but at least now you guys can all lay your cards on the table and really *talk* to each other about it. (look at some of the 'restorative justice' stats......)

Daddy is hero, but Daddy is also a mortal. People aren't perfect and they fuck up. It's what the people do *after* the fuck-up that counts...... If your fwh is truly a fwh, then (hopefully) this mess will lead to your DD having MORE respect for her dad.

Also -- leave OW out of this. I know that this new twist has probably dredged up some nasty feelings in regards to her, but don't do anything that is going to stir the pot with her and invite her back into your lives (even in a negative way). Focus on your own family unit.....

(edited to change a pronoun)

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 8:50 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Lionne posted 9/20/2013 23:02 PM

Gonna is right husband is an SA in recovery. Much damage was done to my kids, sons, now young adults. Through frank conversations and clear statements of remorse and responsibility from SAFWH, my sons are creating a relationship with their father that is healthy and open.
Frankly, I hate secrets of this type in families. I think, despite your best efforts, kids know that something serious has gone wrong. And if you don't tell them the truth, the things they imagine may be ever so much worse. Of course, this is information should always be age appropriate.
It is always hard for kids to learn that parents aren't perfect. But it is a strong, positive lesson to see parents working together to forgive an infidelity and strengthen a marriage.
Hugs to your DD.

Dreamland posted 9/20/2013 23:39 PM

Oh I am
So sorry.. Our DD was barely 16 when she found out. She was angry and disgusted by his actions. She wrote a letter to him telling him what a shit he was and if he ever thinks she would accept any OW he was in for a big surprise. She had major problems on school was drinking and started cutting herself. We took her to IC but she was able to internalize it and since money was an issue.. WH lost job she didn't want to go. I took her several times more. IC told us priority was to stabilize her home. No more fighting and trying to keep some semblance of a family unit. It's been tough but last year she did better.. This year has been more difficult those the fighting is rare and we do family things. She has opened up to me but its also because we talk a lot. But unfortunately I think she hates her father. I don't think she can forgive him because his A directly affected her. He used her as a method of driving to meet OW and then was late picking her up at homecoming dance. Head of school called me asking who was picking her up. He was disgraceful.
So get her as much help and get her to do things with her friends. That helped my daughter. Her best friend suffered her fathers death so they relied on each other.

fourever posted 9/22/2013 08:58 AM

Thank you all. You are truly life savers. Sometimes it's just so much to deal with. Nice to have a sounding board that understands and has been there.
I want us all to be OK so badly.

[This message edited by fourever at 9:05 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

StillStanding1 posted 9/22/2013 12:29 PM


My heart breaks for you and your DD, as my family is brokenhearted too.

My DD and DS (then 16 and 14) found out about my WH's A 6 months before I did (7/12). The kids did not know how to handle it (who can blame them???) Horrible. Even worse, my DD confronted him last September, yet he continued on until February when he finally decided to move out and come clean.

My kids are traumatized. I cannot overstate how awful it has been. Add to that a waffling WH who can't seem to get to "full" remorse, although sometimes he seems really close.

If your FWH is truly remorseful, I think a heartfelt sincere apology in the presence of a C is the best option. I also believe she needs to be able to vent all her horrible emotions at him and he needs to remain calm, apologetic, and non-defensive. Then he needs to follow up with loving, consistent, actions and exhibit trustworthiness to all. It sounds like you have a better shot at this and making it right! I hope and pray that you can all find peace and healing.

Based on some recommendations here, I've purchased and started reading "Parents Who Cheat". My DD is almost 18 now -- I think I will give it to her after I've reviewed it. We need to find some semblance of peace and a path going forward.

Please don't get the MOW involved again in any way. Just NC, NC, NC. Nothing good will come of that.

I am so sorry that this dysfunction has been introduced into your children's lives as well as my own. It's a never-ending nightmare. I wish all of you the very best.

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