My dad was an alcoholic
This raised my antennae.
Children of alcoholics often learn, early on, that the people they should be able to depend on are undependable.
The self-sufficiency you were proud of? That was a VERY positive coping mechanism for you, as a child, I'd wager. If you have a wall, and expect little of others, and look to yourself, then when Dad doesn't do what he says he will do (or doesn't even bother with the pretense), you're okay.
As an adult, though, that wall--the one that protected you from hurt and disappointment as a child--becomes a barrier to intimacy.
What once protected you may now prevent you from experiencing the full range of POSITIVE things that can come from a relationship.
If this doesn't ring true to you, I apologize; take what applies and toss the rest. I'm the child of alcoholics---and went on to marry someone completely unavailable emotionally. Now that I'm on my own, I'm wall-free. The wall did a very, very good job of protecting me--really! It was a very positive coping mechanism when I needed it.
I don't need it any more.
Do you need yours?
I want to let people in now. I know that I can ask those who offer nothing constructive to leave. Or, I can leave. I'm not a little girl any more; I don't have to rely on unreliable people. I don't need to be self-contained, and protected by armor.
But dissembling that wall can be scary. It leads to feeling feelings that you might not have allowed prior. For me, the wall was blown apart by d-day---It took a very conscious effort, however, not to quickly rebuild it.
It's liberating to learn that you can feel the full range of human emotion without disappointment or dire consequence. Or, that if you ARE disappointed or let down by others, you can address that---sometimes finding that others WANT to give you what you need! (That was a revelation to me.) When they don't, you have the CHOICE to stay or go.
The wall? Try taking a few bricks out to see what's on the other side.
I bet you'll find yourself taking more and more bricks out as you experience what life on the other side has to offer.