"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 15:44 PM

Well, I feel like posting today (mainly because I don't feel like working).

It's strange though, I have no clue what to post about.

As I think back to when I first joined SI, I was starting several threads a day. I used to post the standard "am I over-reacting," "I can't believe she said this," "When does the TT end" "will I ever trust again," and "How do I get to forgiveness." I still see these threads daily, and it breaks my heart.

I don't really post new threads anymore, except stupid threads like "Menz need a Mod." I may comment on a thread now and but don't have a lot to contribute per say (except amazing gifs!)

So I wonder at times why I am still here. On first blush I questioned if SI has become my safety blanket...my woobie so to speak. It's possible, but I don't really think so.

I think the primary reasons I remain are two-fold. First, I feel like part of the SI family. This site literally saved me and my marriage. Yes, my wife and I put in the hard work, but work without direction or guidance doesn't really accomplish much. SI helped me focus on learning how to make the effort pay off. It helped give me some clarity in the turmoil that infidelity creates. It picked me up out of the mud when it seemed that everything was lost.

Second, maybe I do use SI as a security blanket. It's comforting to me to see those that have made it through this mess. To see the WS's who have grown and still stay on here supporting others. To see the BS's become strong again, whether reconciling or moving on. Yes, this is a terrible club to be a part of. But it is still amazing to me to watch the growth of members over time. I have been her a couple of years, and watching the progress of many of the SI members has been a true honor. It reaffirms my faith in people's ability to persevere and to display true compassion for others.

To those just starting out. Whether you make it through R or not, you will make it to a better place. Strength comes back, trust in yourself comes back. Happiness comes back.

I am nearing two years now. JNRPA and I have had some set-backs. Lord knows we nearly didn't make it. I filed once, she nearly filed later. There were fights, tears, abuse. Things that neither of us are proud of. But, as I sit here at my new home office. My wife sitting across the room. I am at peace. Happy. Our communication is good. Hell, even my trust has come back.

Anyway, nothing profound here. Just wanted to share my appreciation to the staff and members here.

Now, here's a happy dance gif:

ETA: Well, it was going to a positive update when I started typing...it kind of morphed over the course of writing and then I forgot to change the subject. Whooops.

ETA: The title was renamed to more accurately reflect the thread's contents...Thanks Jo2love!

[This message edited by wonderboy at 4:15 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

LosferWords posted 9/20/2013 15:50 PM

That's an awesome update, wonderboy. Thanks for sharing the hope!

I've been rooting for you and JNRPA for quite some time now. Glad to hear how things are working out.

Tred posted 9/20/2013 15:53 PM

You'll do anything to show off your meme skills, won't you?

Our journeys have been pretty close so far. I remember being the first one to respond to your first post (got the video). Drop down to the Menz and have a beer.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 16:01 PM

I will take any and every opportunity to post a meme. I have nothing of any real substance to add to any conversation.

It's only 2:00 up here, I'll drop down for a beer in a bit.

Thanks Losfer. As I think back on JNRPA and my journey it's amazing that we are at the point that we are at. I really feel comfortable and confident in our love.

Rebreather posted 9/20/2013 16:08 PM

I'm a nosey bitch and want to know what came out of her lie a couple weeks ago.

Shit starts to get more normal in year 3. I'm glad you are still hanging around. I feel a need to pay some stuff forward even though I should be long gone by now. We'll see.

Happy Hour related time zones are unfavorable for the left coasters.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 16:14 PM

Ahhh, you are nosey!

The lie.

To rehash: She was back in Phoenix out to dinner with some friends. I texted her trying to get our neighbors phone number. JNRPA didn't have her phone out so she didn't respond. So later she responded to me saying that her phone had run out of juice. I knew this was a lie because find my iphone show's the battery power.

It was typical conflict avoidance behavior, first instinct is to lie with her. Something she is working on but failing.

We had some discussions about it and my expectations. Particularly about the fact that since we moved up to Washington I felt that she had gone back to everything is normal mode. My concern with this "mode" is that, for me, everything was fine and normal when her affair started. "everything back to normal" is not good enough for me or our marriage.

JNRPA gets this. Without prompting she rescheduled some more IC, went online and ordered 4 new books. (she has finished 3 of them). She continues to make concerted efforts to avoid rugsweeping, build intimacy and communication, and take ownership of her actions.

So in the long run, I think the lie really helped her realize that the work doesn't just stop.

Rebreather posted 9/20/2013 16:33 PM

That's good. I'm glad to hear that. The conflict avoidance is a real killer. It took me a few years to even know it existed, so I suppose if want to be sharing incoherent thoughts, it can be "good" you are further ahead in figuring this out.

After the last big fuck up a couple years ago, my spouse did much the same. Dove back into IC and books and was all, "hey, these books are really good, are there more we can read?"

It's a good thing he's pretty.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 16:37 PM

It's a good thing he's pretty

Lol, I often felt the same way about JNRPA.

Sometimes it a good glass of wake the hell up can do wonders.

blakesteele posted 9/20/2013 16:49 PM

So in the long run, I think the lie really helped her realize that the work doesn't just stop.

I am begining to wrap my head around a concept this quote touches on. We are all going to make mistakes...healthy people use those mistakes to better themselves. Unhealthy people use them as execuses to do nothing.

Thanks for posting.

I am 1 year into this. I appreciate folks like you that "pay it forward" and kindly nudge newbies.

God be with us all.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 17:21 PM

We are all going to make mistakes...healthy people use those mistakes to better themselves. Unhealthy people use them as execuses to do nothing.

Being human is hard.

In my opinion even the most remorseful spouse is going to screw up. In my wife's case, lots of foo issues and years of conflict avoidance. Reading a book and going to IC isn't going to magically make it go away. The question of, course, boils down to the severity of the screw up, and what efforts, if any are made to fix it, and more importantly what are my boundaries as a BS?

Of course, in fairness to JNRPA, I ain't no saint. I screw up too. A lot. I have issues that I need to work through. I have things that I need to address.

Of course, the fundamental unfairness question creeps into this. Because many of my issues are "new" and a result of JRNPA's decision to have an affair. I think though, that in the long run, working through my issues will make me a better person, and a stronger person. And a stronger person than I would have been if my world hadn't been shattered.

Sucks to be forced to grow.

Simple posted 9/20/2013 17:33 PM

I come and go to SI. A lot of times it's because of work or travel or whatnot but this site is in my mind whenever I see someone I know who could use this site and refer them here.

Every now and then I like to pop up and give encouragement to those doing R by showing it is possible.

Yes it breaks my heart too to see so many more joined after I did and the same topics come up over and over... such is life.

That said:

I'm jealous of your damn gifs.

Can you make me one? Like a cat hopping around?

Thanks

MissesJai posted 9/20/2013 17:35 PM

you rock wb....

plus, our meme wars are pretty epic

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 17:38 PM

How's this one?

http://img.pandawhale.com/post-15051-jumping-toilet-kitten-fail-gif-AswO.gif

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 17:39 PM

Thanks MJ. I do enjoy our meme wars!

Sal1995 posted 9/20/2013 17:42 PM

Wonderboy, even though I thought the gif choice was unfortunate I really enjoyed reading your post.

I'm happy to hear that you and your wife are doing well and that you are happy and at peace. Just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for all of the support that you've given me since I joined this April. I hope you contribute to SI for many more years to come.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 17:50 PM

Ahhh, I can feel the love.

I think that is the great think about this community. I remember when I first came on, many members that are still here help guide me through the pain and turmoil. BS's and Waywards alike. I know that MJ had some pretty strong (and true) words for JNRPA.

As much as I like posting what little advice I can in gif form. I still gain so much more from reading the struggles and triumphs of the other members on here.

MissesJai posted 9/20/2013 18:03 PM

I know that MJ had some pretty strong (and true) words for JNRPA.

I only gave her what was given to me when I first came here - the gift of a new perspective and blunt honesty. It was precisely what I needed and those of us who chose to help her when she came knew that's exactly what she needed as well. I'm happy you two are moving forward together.

authenticnow posted 9/21/2013 05:54 AM

Wonderboy,

I enjoy (using that term loosely ) following your progress. The growth and self awareness is evident.

The 'being human' part is something I had to realize early on, too, and SI helped me (and my BH) bet there. What a gift!

I was so disappointed to learn that life isn't just a neat little package with sparkly ribbon! Bummer. But, the growth we get from the lessons....pretty empowering!

Ascendant posted 9/22/2013 10:24 AM

I just wanted to say that I've only been on here like 8 or so months...but I cannot imagine what I would've done without this site in general and without the Mens Thread specifically.

I go back and read older posts from like 2007-ish and see people who I've never seen before giving advice to the people that have helped me tremendously....and I'm just thankful that people like WAL and others have stuck around when it would've been oh-so-easy to put this site in the tail lights once they felt like it wasn't needed any longer for them personally. The advice and comfort I've received here has been invaluable.