I'm gonna walk right over there and thump you on the forehead.
There is no such thing as "getting over it fast enough."
What you want? Is what you should be doing.
Even our MC's say I need to move on. After seeing them for 5 months. Since he's proven himself a decent guy again...I'm utterly confused.
OK, so that's the first part of your message -- when you'll get the feeling of trust back. Part 2 is about your actions. When you "should" "let up". And the answer there is that you will let up on him when you feel safe. This is not just up to you, it's up to him. Is he doing stuff to make you feel safe? If he's not, your hyper-vigilence is going to last longer. And he needs to ride it out if he really wants R. He needs to shut up, not complain, get with the program.
So don't say that you're not getting over it fast enough. Maybe he's not trustworthy and you SHOULDN'T get over it. Trust will come when he earns it. And it will take a while.
ETA: cross-posted. Fuck that MC -- he cheated for how many years and you're supposed to "get over it" in 5 months? She's clueless!
[This message edited by Blobette at 4:05 PM, September 20th (Friday)]
I think if WS is doing the work and you are doing the work then time needs it’s time to do the work. I can tell you for me on this issue (and many others around the M and trust) I found that giving myself a break and not looking for a specific timeline for this to get better actually helped speed it along. Taking the pressure off of me really helped. BTW I don’t think the “getting over it” happens, the getting through it does.
But I'll share my story.
Just last month it hit me. My H knows he gets no more chances. He knows I always find out eventually. He's agreed to talk to me if he finds that his coping mechanisms are slipping again. If he doesn't, I'll leave him and be just fine.
So I gave up not trusting him. He has changed immensely; I feel safe for the first time in our relationship. My checking up and worrying was only hurting me. It won't change what may happen. I haven't let myself be completely vulnerable, but that's only because I know I won't be destroyed if this happens again--his loss.
But that was 11 months in with a model fWH. And I may feel differently in the future!
Give yourself a break.
If it EVER happens again, I'm out, he knows I don't "need" him.
Now, I find myself checking up on him. It's become my obsession to try to control as much as I can. And, you're right, it's hurting me.
I need to let go and be powerless. If he's going to ever drink again or mess around, that's his decision, not mine. I guess the future is the only answer and I should be enjoying the NOW because it really is awesome. Our little family is finally awesome and enjoyable. He's been texting and calling me all afternoon saying sorry I'm having a shitty day. I was making a babybook for our son and found pics of him and other woman on my phone. That was the trigger. DAMN IT! I hate triggers. So, there's my problem. Thank you everyone for helping me figuring out what was wrong with me today. You're all the best! :)
For me this was about trusting myself not the W. I did not trust her at that point really, but I trusted that I would not let here potential negative response have any devastating impact on me. I would be OK. It took a while for me to get there but you know she really surprised me with her response.
It takes time, and anyone who is tells you aren't going fast enough needs to be smacked upside the head.
IN addition I don't think snooping hurts anything. Each time you snoop, and find nothing you start to build a tiny dust particle of trust. It takes lots and lots and lots of those for the trust to come back, and the new trust will be different from the old trust. It's yah I trust you, but I also trust that I won't let you hurt me like that again, and I don't give a fuck if you like me looking at your phone, email, whatever. And a WS that gets it won't give a fuck when you look. IF he does, IF he is making you feel guilty, then you need to beware.
You are so close to Dday....I would question the counselor telling you to get over it...five months of good behaviour is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to trust......
Be kind to yourself and know that you are perfectly normal......give it time and keep checking if that's what you need to do. Everytime you find he's on the up and up adds points to your trust bank.
Seriously though, it's an individual thing. It depends on true remorse and dependable honesty and transparency over time.
[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 9:01 PM, September 20th (Friday)]
Time is the only thing I think that will bring me to a place where I can finally be okay, or not and decide to move on.
“Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.”
Trust is earned over a long period of time, but it can be broken in an instant.
He just needs to set back, relax, and do the things every day that he need to do to make you feel safe.
If he has to do them for a year, two years, five years, tough.
He made the decision to cheat multiple times, so now he has to do the work to fix it. So, so,sorry and a big hug.