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When did you trust again?

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libertyrocks posted 9/20/2013 15:53 PM

I'm not getting over it fast enough. I still question and want accountability and transparency. When did you let up on fWS's??

Rebreather posted 9/20/2013 15:59 PM



I'm gonna walk right over there and thump you on the forehead.

There is no such thing as "getting over it fast enough."

What you want? Is what you should be doing.

libertyrocks posted 9/20/2013 16:03 PM

RIGHT??? I thought I was right about this...Man, my H is manipulative. ERRR.

Even our MC's say I need to move on. After seeing them for 5 months. Since he's proven himself a decent guy again...I'm utterly confused.

Blobette posted 9/20/2013 16:03 PM

You're way too close to DD#2 to be anywhere near trust. And given that you do have two DDs, that trust has been seriously eroded. Not to mention the fact that we can never expect to get trust back completely. Ain't gonna happen. This is a permanent wound.

OK, so that's the first part of your message -- when you'll get the feeling of trust back. Part 2 is about your actions. When you "should" "let up". And the answer there is that you will let up on him when you feel safe. This is not just up to you, it's up to him. Is he doing stuff to make you feel safe? If he's not, your hyper-vigilence is going to last longer. And he needs to ride it out if he really wants R. He needs to shut up, not complain, get with the program.

So don't say that you're not getting over it fast enough. Maybe he's not trustworthy and you SHOULDN'T get over it. Trust will come when he earns it. And it will take a while.

Be strong!

ETA: cross-posted. Fuck that MC -- he cheated for how many years and you're supposed to "get over it" in 5 months? She's clueless!

[This message edited by Blobette at 4:05 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

foundoutlater posted 9/20/2013 16:04 PM

Honestly I gave up on forcing this and setting a timetable for it to happen. Transparency IMO is part of our relationship – it goes both ways. It’s the same for accountability. As far as checking up, needing the texts and texted photos when we are apart and that kind of “transparency and accountability”, well that just kind of became unnecessary for me after long while (earlier this year). I have moments, she understands and will text photos when I need, but I have not requested that for awhile.

I think if WS is doing the work and you are doing the work then time needs it’s time to do the work. I can tell you for me on this issue (and many others around the M and trust) I found that giving myself a break and not looking for a specific timeline for this to get better actually helped speed it along. Taking the pressure off of me really helped. BTW I don’t think the “getting over it” happens, the getting through it does.

libertyrocks posted 9/20/2013 16:10 PM

Thanks everyone for consoling my soul. Literally. And, yes, he's doing EVERYTHING imaginable and within his power...No porn, NC, he helps out so much now and seems to care about me again. It's kind of nice, except these figurative stab wounds I walk around with.

catlover50 posted 9/20/2013 16:14 PM

Okay, of course it's too soon liberty.

But I'll share my story.

Just last month it hit me. My H knows he gets no more chances. He knows I always find out eventually. He's agreed to talk to me if he finds that his coping mechanisms are slipping again. If he doesn't, I'll leave him and be just fine.

So I gave up not trusting him. He has changed immensely; I feel safe for the first time in our relationship. My checking up and worrying was only hurting me. It won't change what may happen. I haven't let myself be completely vulnerable, but that's only because I know I won't be destroyed if this happens again--his loss.

But that was 11 months in with a model fWH. And I may feel differently in the future!

Give yourself a break.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 16:19 PM

I really like ^^^^^^^ This.

libertyrocks posted 9/20/2013 16:20 PM

Thanks Catlover. Yes, I need to take it easy on myself. I felt so niave for 3 years of my life while he cheated and I had and took care of our newborn babies.

If it EVER happens again, I'm out, he knows I don't "need" him.

Now, I find myself checking up on him. It's become my obsession to try to control as much as I can. And, you're right, it's hurting me.

I need to let go and be powerless. If he's going to ever drink again or mess around, that's his decision, not mine. I guess the future is the only answer and I should be enjoying the NOW because it really is awesome. Our little family is finally awesome and enjoyable. He's been texting and calling me all afternoon saying sorry I'm having a shitty day. I was making a babybook for our son and found pics of him and other woman on my phone. That was the trigger. DAMN IT! I hate triggers. So, there's my problem. Thank you everyone for helping me figuring out what was wrong with me today. You're all the best! :)

foundoutlater posted 9/20/2013 16:23 PM

Well if WS is on board that is a huge help. One thing that helped me was to trust myself to talk to my W about what was going on when I was in a good place emotionally so she could work on not responding with defense when I was dealing with the pain. When she and I were both on board in understanding there was no timetable and we were both here to heal it was much more productive.

For me this was about trusting myself not the W. I did not trust her at that point really, but I trusted that I would not let here potential negative response have any devastating impact on me. I would be OK. It took a while for me to get there but you know she really surprised me with her response.

tushnurse posted 9/20/2013 17:01 PM

Lib honey,
You trust when you check up and find nothing no less than a bazillion times, you trust when your heart is healing, and you have reached a level of accepetance that it had nothing to do with you. You trust again when you look at your H and know in your heart and soul and gut that he is not the same guy that was a selfish bastard while he was in his A's.

It takes time, and anyone who is tells you aren't going fast enough needs to be smacked upside the head.

IN addition I don't think snooping hurts anything. Each time you snoop, and find nothing you start to build a tiny dust particle of trust. It takes lots and lots and lots of those for the trust to come back, and the new trust will be different from the old trust. It's yah I trust you, but I also trust that I won't let you hurt me like that again, and I don't give a fuck if you like me looking at your phone, email, whatever. And a WS that gets it won't give a fuck when you look. IF he does, IF he is making you feel guilty, then you need to beware.

((((and strength))))

Alex CR posted 9/20/2013 18:13 PM

Almost four years out and H is going to OW's country without me for the first time....I am getting nervous but decided not to go this time.....we have a plan in place and H has been wonderful doing almost everything I've asked since Dday.....

You are so close to Dday....I would question the counselor telling you to get over it...five months of good behaviour is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to trust......

Be kind to yourself and know that you are perfectly normal......give it time and keep checking if that's what you need to do. Everytime you find he's on the up and up adds points to your trust bank.

SoVerySadNow posted 9/20/2013 20:50 PM

I will die with the taste of distrust in my mouth.
He's burned me too many times.

Seriously though, it's an individual thing. It depends on true remorse and dependable honesty and transparency over time.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 9:01 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

c1n1m1n posted 9/21/2013 13:15 PM

I'm nearing a year since Dday, and sometimes I think I can trust him, then in 24hrs or less, I don't. And like a previous poster said, the wound is permanent, still licking it trying to accept this, accept it will never be like I want it to.

Time is the only thing I think that will bring me to a place where I can finally be okay, or not and decide to move on.

kansas1968 posted 9/21/2013 13:58 PM

Trust back? I'll let you know. Almost three years out and I know that distrusts will be the last dog standing as we trudge though reconcilliation.

Trust is earned over a long period of time, but it can be broken in an instant.
He just needs to set back, relax, and do the things every day that he need to do to make you feel safe.
If he has to do them for a year, two years, five years, tough.
He made the decision to cheat multiple times, so now he has to do the work to fix it. So, so,sorry and a big hug.

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