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libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 10:00 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013
I can't help but feel depressed at times, still. We're trying to move forward, but everytime I get sad or upset, he gets upset and says I shouldn't be treating him badly. I don't know what to do. How to process all this pain anymore. MC says they're MY ISSUES, not his. I'm so lost right now. My survival mechanism says leave the source of pain and my heart says to love and forgive. But, I don't know how to forgive yet. When and how did you forgive your fWS?
Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.
foundoutlater ( member #32900) posted at 10:11 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013
Yeah how you are dealing with your feelings might be your issues, but how he responds to you and deals with the shit he created is his. Sorry you are dealing with this.
I’m curious about your MC – does the MC think you are not moving through this fast enough or you need to get “over it”?
Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.
libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 10:12 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013
Thanks. Both. Apparently, I keep "torturing" myself by putting myself "there" in that bad place...
Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.
foundoutlater ( member #32900) posted at 10:16 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013
Yeah well I think maybe a MC who understands that yes you do keep torturing yourself with all this shit but not by choice would help. And if your WS is not pulling his load it is all that much harder for you to work through it. I think maybe working with someone who understands infidelity would help. Also I hope your IC does not follow suit with this line of reasoning.
Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.
catlover50 ( member #37154) posted at 10:20 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013
Do you have a IC? Someone who can actually help you rather than judge you? Christ!
Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciled
MC_Jack ( member #35016) posted at 10:29 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013
Not good for an MC to offer:
How to process all this pain anymore. MC says they're MY ISSUES, not his.
What your MC is saying is true, IMO, but is VERY INAPPROPRIATE to say in front of your WH. This is because while, yes, you need to move forward and healing is your responsibility, WSs hear this message from an MC as a get out of jail free card, meaning that they do not have to do any post-A cleanup work because the BS should be 'over it.'
Yes only you can heal yourself. You can control your thinking - that is up to you. My goal would be to get over the trauma, be able to self-regulate better, and develop an ability to CLEARLY see who you are married to. Then make a choice to forgive him, and then subsequently stay with him or divorce him. Make this choice based on your needs and a view of your WH without denial.
My MC would tell me about my anger outbursts that merely they were not helping me accomplish my goal. Unfair, but true.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:29 PM, September 20th (Friday)]
I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:33 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013
I think it is normal (((libertyrocks))) you are still not that far out from DDay. Also multiple DDays do not help. I think it makes R 100 times harder.
I still get upset, but I am also reaching a stage of acceptance where the A is not bothering me as much as WHO my WH is. That is my current hurdle.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/2024
libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 10:47 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013
We both have our own therapist, then we meet with each other's together. I do think I need one who specializes in infidelity and not chemical dependency, like the ones we have now because of his alcohol problem.
Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.
Missymomma ( member #36988) posted at 3:02 AM on Saturday, September 21st, 2013
Argh, I hate how so many MCs seem to put pressure to move on way before it's time! Liberty, I think you are right and need a different MC. Our MC has been fabulous and keeps telling my SAWH that he needs to do more to help me. Has this MC read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?" If they don't follow this book as a guideline, then they are not the right MC for dealing with infidelity IMHO.
DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!
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