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Real R vs. "Not divorcing you yet"

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iwillNOT posted 9/20/2013 16:49 PM

6 weeks out from dday here...having trouble approaching the concept of R, and would love some feedback. I do love my husband, he loves me, and in a nutshell, I really don't want to divorce but I am not ready to commit myself to R yet either.

WH asked for another chance right away on dday as soon as I found out about his affair. He is fully transparent to me, I have all his passwords, his tablet computer is open to me, he changed his cell phone number when I asked him to, deleted anyone from his facebook I wanted, is selling the adultery-mobile that they used to have sex in, has been checked for stds. He says repeatedly that he will do whatever I need, to feel safe, for as long as it takes. If I need money in a separate bank account so I feel like I have choices, then so be it. If I need to pull back from him, or want to be close, he accommodates. When he sees me sad, he comes and hugs me and apologizes and says he will never, ever do it again. Every day, he apologizes and promises never, ever... He has had 1 IC session, with more scheduled. We have MC scheduled for a few weeks from now. He is doing things around the house, with the kids, for me. Initially he would blame his affair on the less-than-great sex life we had before, but here in the past couple weeks he says he chose to do it and it was his fault, he was so lost and unhappy and depressed and he made the choice to cheat. He is sincere, loving, doing everything I have asked. BUT.

Me - I just can't seem to commit myself to the idea of really actively trying to R. The closest I have come, is to tell him that I am not divorcing him right now, that I will see what happens.

That's not really R, is it?? As a BS, when you chose to R, was it a definite decision of "OK now I will really put myself out there and try to do this" even if you felt doubtful, or was it gradual? Like, you stuck around and saw actions by your WS and eventually you felt secure enough to risk trying(and maybe failing) to R?

IDK, maybe R IS actually just "not divorcing you yet."

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/20/2013 16:57 PM

Me - I just can't seem to commit myself to the idea of really actively trying to R. The closest I have come, is to tell him that I am not divorcing him right now, that I will see what happens.

I think at around 6 weeks out from the trauma of DDAY 2 this seems normal.

For me, I promised myself that I wouldn't divorce her for 6 months. I think I ended up filing for divorce at 5 months. Now, at almost 2 years out we are reconciled, and happy.

This crap takes time to work through. My emotions evolved and changed over the last couple of years. Hell, during the first 6 months I struggled just to get out of bed. I couldn't make a rational decision what to eat for breakfast, much less whether to divorce or stick out R with my wife.

It sounds like he is doing the right things for now. ultimately the affair is a dealbreaker for many people. But not for everyone. Give yourself some time to figure things out. Give yourself some time to recover from the trauma that you have experienced.

For right now, I think that "I'm not divorcing your today" is just fine.

Simple posted 9/20/2013 16:58 PM

Been in real R for almost 6 years now. It is gradual to make it there but at the same time you do make a decision that BOTH of you will try 100%.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that I don't know my rights and that divorce is suddenly off the table. I told my FWH that I cannot promise him that I will not divorce him because of this. He said that if I do divorce him that's my choice and that if I do it so many years after successful R then that won't be his fault, that's mine. And I completely agreed, cause that means I keep harping on the past and can't move on and can't be with my H "through thick and thin" in essence specially since he's a remorseful FWH.

6 weeks is so soon. Honestly, divorce is a choice that's on the table but you have to put it aside for now and give 100% to R if so far that's what his actions are showing you. If R doesn't work then plan B comes to play because you do have to protect yourself.

I hope that makes sense.

[This message edited by Simple at 4:58 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 9/20/2013 17:00 PM

Hi iwillNOT,

Glad to see you on here.

Me - I just can't seem to commit myself to the idea of really actively trying to R. The closest I have come, is to tell him that I am not divorcing him right now, that I will see what happens.

Right after my DD I rushed into R mode...totally lacking any knowledge of what that really meant. Totally thinking my wife was on the same team as I was. My Pastor was also influencing me to do this.

All of this told me what you are feeling...that since I love my wife I need to step up and get to work!

Truth in my situation was that my wife didn't WANT my love and support...didn't want to be on my team 6 weeks out from DD. Truth is she was still infatuated with her AP...was busy taking it to the PA level while in weekly counseling and me working my butt off. "Working my butt off" entailed me shredding my self dignity in front of her, spending money on MC and putting time and effort into reading everything. What it did NOT entail was me mourning the death of my marriage as I had known it, figuring out what adultery really meant to me, expressing my needs.

Point is?

You are so early on...back totally away from working on the decision to R or not to R. You are on the healthy path in just not deciding on any life altering decisions at this point.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss and the hurt you are feeling.

At 1 year out I am just now starting to figure out if I have the courage to be vulnerable with my wife...I think I am, but that is new just within the past month.

Again, I was more then willing to be "vulnerable" in the begining...but in unhealthy ways...such as trying to take credit for my wifes decision to committ adultery, listing out what I did that "drove my wife" to make that decision, professing my weakness's....all really not healthy stuff.

My eyes are opened now and I intend to do things better.

I know better and can now do better.

Give yourself some time to gain wisdom...wisdom that will help you stop this cycle from repeating.

I am glad you found this site. I found it 4-5 months after my DD....soooo wish I would have found it on my DD.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:02 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

IslandGirl18 posted 9/20/2013 17:14 PM

It sounds like he is doing everything right, but It has only been 6 weeks. His betrayal went on for a very long time. It seems early for any decision by you to divorce is made because it sounds like you are so hurt and your world has been turned upside down that a decision to not make any decision right now might be the best one.

Having said that, I wish my husband did all that your husband has done since DDay. I wonder if my life would be different? I think yes. I wonder if I would be happy with him the way I was? I think I will never know.

What do you need to feel better? Can you imagine your life without him in it? Do you want to live that life? Put your needs first. That's a fair thing. Not an affair thing.

Give yourself a year. Start with a day at a time. Then you will see weeks have passed. Then months. Then holidays and seasons. And then a year. And we cannot control that. We can control ourselves only. Hold on strong to your values.

Respect yourself.
Love yourself.
Honor yourself.
You are worth it..

Laura28 posted 9/20/2013 17:32 PM


As others have said perhaps you are too close to DDay2 to be worrying about whether or not you are in R.

I changed my status to "Not Divorcing" quite a while ago (I am not sure exactly when but maybe 6-12 months ago). Prior to that it was "Reconciling???"

It seems to me that we put so much pressure on ourselves to solve the problem and being able to say we are in R seems like a good step towards making everything OK.

But it's not.

It never will be "OK" that they did what they did.

At 3.5 years out I do not consider us in R. Like yours my FWH is doing (almost) everything right.

However, at present I feel I will certainly never forget and maybe never forgive what he did. The difference after all this time is that it doesn't hurt me as much as it once did.

However, I refuse to discount the option of leaving. I know that if I wake up one morning and I think "I don't want to do this any more" I have the option to D without guilt. R in my mind requires a commitment to the new M which I am not yet prepared to give.

I may go to my grave feeling the same way. I don't know. I hope not. But what will be will be.

I have made my feelings clear to my FWH. He knows exactly how I feel. He has chosen to stay in the M.

People on here talk about the "gift of R" and for many this is the goal. For this reason I think that those of us who are struggling sometimes feel in some way inadequate because we are not trying hard enough to attain that goal.

The reality is that there are so many factors which influence each individual relationship that to suggest that R is the only possible way for a relationship to survive infidelity I think is too general. (Just as many would generalise that a "marriage" like mine could never survive multiple LTAs spanning almost 25 years).

My FWH and I have a "good" relationship. Better I think than some Ms that have not been affected by infidelity and 100% better than when he was screwing around. We have both chosen to stay in the M. Him I think because he really does see that I am worth the effort now (let's face it he tried out many others ) and me because I really couldn't ask for a better H. (if only he'd put the toilet seat down and do the lawn more often ).

People are not perfect. No M ever will be. R to me is a beautiful outcome but for many of us it is a process. I'd really like R for us but in our sich I suspect it will always be an ideal to aspire to rather than a state we are in.

I suppose because I am currently in the "I'll stay with him" mode I should be saying we are reconciling, but I am not comfortable with that word. And there is no rule that says I have to be.



[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:35 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

ddame23 posted 9/20/2013 23:45 PM

What I kept thinking is that making no decision is the decision I'm making for now. I hope that makes sense. I seceded to wait and see what happens for a little while.

iwillNOT posted 9/21/2013 15:59 PM

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. I am reminded that although it feels like years ago since Dday, it has been a very short time and I need to just stop and be. It's hard to do that, to purposely make time and space to feel these horribly painful emotions that his affair has caused. I am not ready to "commit to R" right now, and that is ok. I think that part of it is feeling like if we are not divorcing, then by default that means we are reconciling, but in my heart and my gut I do not want to commit to doing one or the other. Why do we have to be "doing" anything at all? HE should be the one doing. I just want to cocoon and breathe and find a way to get through. Deciding not to decide seems like a good way to go.

blakesteele posted 9/21/2013 16:44 PM


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