iwillNOT
As others have said perhaps you are too close to DDay2 to be worrying about whether or not you are in R.
I changed my status to "Not Divorcing" quite a while ago (I am not sure exactly when but maybe 6-12 months ago). Prior to that it was "Reconciling???"
It seems to me that we put so much pressure on ourselves to solve the problem and being able to say we are in R seems like a good step towards making everything OK.
But it's not.
It never will be "OK" that they did what they did.
At 3.5 years out I do not consider us in R. Like yours my FWH is doing (almost) everything right.
However, at present I feel I will certainly never forget and maybe never forgive what he did. The difference after all this time is that it doesn't hurt me as much as it once did.
However, I refuse to discount the option of leaving. I know that if I wake up one morning and I think "I don't want to do this any more" I have the option to D without guilt. R in my mind requires a commitment to the new M which I am not yet prepared to give.
I may go to my grave feeling the same way. I don't know. I hope not. But what will be will be.
I have made my feelings clear to my FWH. He knows exactly how I feel. He has chosen to stay in the M.
People on here talk about the "gift of R" and for many this is the goal. For this reason I think that those of us who are struggling sometimes feel in some way inadequate because we are not trying hard enough to attain that goal.
The reality is that there are so many factors which influence each individual relationship that to suggest that R is the only possible way for a relationship to survive infidelity I think is too general. (Just as many would generalise that a "marriage" like mine could never survive multiple LTAs spanning almost 25 years).
My FWH and I have a "good" relationship. Better I think than some Ms that have not been affected by infidelity and 100% better than when he was screwing around. We have both chosen to stay in the M. Him I think because he really does see that I am worth the effort now (let's face it he tried out many others
) and me because I really couldn't ask for a better H. (if only he'd put the toilet seat down and do the lawn more often
).
People are not perfect. No M ever will be. R to me is a beautiful outcome but for many of us it is a process. I'd really like R for us but in our sich I suspect it will always be an ideal to aspire to rather than a state we are in.
I suppose because I am currently in the "I'll stay with him" mode I should be saying we are reconciling, but I am not comfortable with that word. And there is no rule that says I have to be.
BIG HUGS
Laura
[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:35 PM, September 20th (Friday)]