Hey thanks Wonderboy -
I'm sorry, but my head is so scrambled right now that I think some of my thoughts and how to I use my words are not quite matching up.
I've pretty much been reading any opportunity I can (and I have a lot due to a general lack of sleep). I've read the Healing Library here, I've read "Getting Past the Affair" and "How to Help Your Spouse Health After The Affair". I'll probably read a couple more books that I gave to my wife today so she can read when she's ready.
I didn't mean to minimize what happened by calling it an "issue" - I couldn't find another word to use. My monumental f*** up that has shattered our marriage? I like that better.
The reason why I'm concerned that she's "pushing this down" is just because she's done it in the past, and has admitted it. She's had a couple major losses over the last couple of years - that I thought she was handling in her "own way" (losing my dad when I was a young adult made me realize that we all grieve differently). But she recently admitted that she just bottled it up and put her time and focus on the baby or other things.
So that's why i'm concerned. Whether or not it's true? I don't know. But the feeling is there.
Sorry, I also didn't mean to give the impression that I just wanted to "pack up and get out of there". The last thing I want to do is leave, the thought of it scares me immensely. I just want what's best for her...and I just feel like she doesn't want anything to do with me but can't bring herself to say it, so I could help her by taking the initiative.
And yes, this is all very raw - and I fully expect that this will take a long, long time to be resolved (I'm ok if it takes 1, 2, 5, or 10 years). I'm just tired. I don't want her to hurt anymore.
And re: what happened? I left that out so my first "newbie" post didn't become a novel. I'll give the cliffnotes (because really, the rest is just excuses).
I had a brief physical encounter w/ a co-worker back in 1/2011. No sex. ~ 5 minutes of kissing before we both stopped and said no, not gonna happen. This eventually led to inappropriate emails/texts. Very random, very sporadic - but also very inappropriate. We could go 3 - 5 months not saying anything, and then go a few days of it being pretty regular, and then another couple-few months of nothing, etc. It was almost like getting a "fix"...and really nothing more.
In 8/2012 (so 18 months between then) during our last night at a company retreat we ended up sleeping together. We both very much regretted what happened. I vowed I wouldn't do it again. And I haven't. However, ~ 6 months later the emails/texts started back up again and I couldn't stop it. Our last contact of this nature was probably 3-4 months ago.
This past week the OW's BS contacted my wife because he found out. He had found out because he caught his wife with another man, and then started investigating and found some emails and/or texts between us.
For me, there's zero desire to continue anything with the OW.
Any way, that's the cliffnotes. I could go on and on, but I'm sure all of us can with our stories.
Thanks again for your reply wonder boy. I really appreciate the insight.
[This message edited by ak23123 at 8:36 PM, September 20th (Friday)]