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Advice from BS 4 yrs+ I love him then cold toward WS

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Offhispedestal posted 9/20/2013 18:24 PM

Some of you that have read my story may have a good idea of the trauma this caused me. Betrayal hurts period. After 20 yrs of what seemed to be a pretty amazing marriage, we were each other's BEST friends. He has always been an amazing father and husband. Our kids and I always came first. I had countless woman envy me. I feel I need to explain all this in order to paint a clear picture of my life before his A. He always called me several times from work & sent me adorable quotes & poems to my email. He would call me the minute he got in his car at 5:01 pm and we would talk until he got to the was an hour drive but we ALWAYS had things to talk about. One anniversary we decided to write something special for each other. I took several days searching for a poem that best described our marriage. He took a whole week looking for a perfect quote or poem, on his lunch hour. The day of our anniversary we were super excited and handed each other our cards. I started to read mine out loud and my H stopped me and I could tell he was stunned... He showed me the card I just gave him and it was the exact poem. We both laughed and cried.

We had hundreds of special moments just like that. Fast forward to our 20th anniversary. He'd lost an amazing job that paid two and a half times what he gets paid now. He was crushed and depressed for over a yr.
Also I was not in "not in the mood/low libido" for yrs after the birth of our 1st child. He would get upset and tell me I wasn't fair but we got along great...
End of 2009 I lost my beloved teacup dog, he just disappeared, missing and I never found him. I was grieving like I had lost a relative...dare I say a child. I was like a zombie for over 5 months. Cried, searched and became obsessed looking for him. Spent probably a good $3,000,flyers, cards, detectives etc.
I was emotionally checked out. I was in bed and he tried for several weeks but soon he stopped. He started staying at gym longer, going out to watch UFC fights and " poker"
3 months into the A he confessed. His health suffered over keeping that secret also. He broke NC and became simply a hateful unremorseful demon. I saw emails, texts, pictures, videos of her naked. The ultimate was getting a gut feeling and getting in my car and I found them together in her car. My heart stopped, my breathing stopped and I froze for about 10 seconds. I beeped my horn and gave him the Peace sign and drove off. He said MANY hurtful things, he was "in love" MOW got a divorce to be with him. She's a serial cheater but she divorced her H to be with mine.

Please bare with me !! A lot more happened after. I was selling stuff from my business and was leaving him and moving over a thousand miles away. I was numb. I returned to church and my hopes and faith were all on God.
Then he felt the guilt, shame and remorse followed months later. He has gone beyond what I expected and continues to put in 100%. He's back,all the attention and love he showed me for years are multiplied by 10! He's transparent till this day. He still goes out of his way to make sure I am comfortable and feel safe.
NOW FOR MY QUESTION! It's been over 2+ yrs since R. I now have days and weeks that I absolutely adore him and feel that love like a school girl again lol. Then out of the blue I feel very little, I feel distant. He holds my hand and I feel little to nothing. I don't feel anger, resentment. It just makes me question myself " do I really love him? How much do I love him?? Did I settle? Then the distant feelings subside and I feel the love all over again. Is this normal for a BS after 4,5,6 or 8 yrs out?? That's why I'm asking for those BS in complete R after many yrs. it scares me to feel nothing and it hurts to know I feel that! I finally told him and he's noticed and asked if it could possibly be during my PMS. Because it seems to coincide around that time. I really hate the feeling of not feeling much.
He's been understanding over this and just tells me all he can do is be here for me and that he will never leave my side

brkn_heartd posted 9/20/2013 21:20 PM

I understand your situation. I could have written your first paragraph only with 26 years. We have R'ed and it was difficult. He also broke NC etc. Once again, very similar story. His efforts have been amazing to R and he is so much a better husband than he was before the A. I am at 4 years of R and have some of the same thoughts you are experiencing. I don't think it is settling, I think sometimes my heart is still in shock that all of this happened.

I often wonder if I would feel different if I had a different partner. Ultimately, I have decided I would not feel differently, that my heart just hurts and has been hurt tremendously.

ItsaClimb posted 9/21/2013 00:26 AM

I'm hoping that more "long-time R-ers" reply, I would be interested to see if this is normal and for how long it continues.

I am only 13mths out, but I am pretty much in the same boat. I will have a good week or two, when I can really see and feel genuine R and then bam it's gone, I don't feel the love, I am at best just numb, at worst a raging bundle of hate... (and yes, it often coincides with PMS, but generally continues long after)

Scubachick posted 9/21/2013 03:11 AM

I feel this way too. I thought it was like a self preservation thing. If things are going too well I get nervous and shut down. I'm always at one extreme or the other.

HormonalWoman posted 9/21/2013 12:07 PM

I feel the same too. Just over 3 years since dd here but sometimes we're good and other times i just don't to be near him.

PeaceLove187 posted 9/21/2013 12:23 PM

My H's first affair was 16 years ago and while it took years to really forgive him, I eventually reached a place where I didn't even remember the APs name and would have absolutely sworn that he'd never cheat on me again I can't say that I adored him every day because I don't think that's realistic as even the best of marriages have their ups and downs.

Give yourself more time. They say this takes 2-5 years and I lean toward the 5 year recovery time. Just be careful that your moments of distance aren't due to lingering underlying issues which could cause the A behavior to repeat. We rugswept and so here we are again, but it sounds like your H is doing the work.

kansas1968 posted 9/21/2013 14:05 PM

If you asked me if I love my husband, my answer would depend on what day you asked. We are getting along great, never better, dday is almost three years behind us, but yet, there are those days I just don't want to be around him. Could be anything, maybe he was a little grouchy and it hurt my feelings.
I never used to pay attention to little spats or slights. I had a really high self-esteem, but now everything is magnified and takes on a sinister feel.

But those feelings are rare and fleeting. I thing that it will probably be that way for the rest of our time together. The scars are just too deep. It will just be a part of my (our) life.
But still, things are much better than prior to the affair, so.....

njgal480 posted 9/21/2013 16:17 PM

It is possible to reconcile after infidelity and to find happiness again.
But, it does take time.
My FWH had a 5 yr LTA. I am now 6 and 1/2 yrs post d-day and our marriage is better than it was before the LTA started.
My FWH was very remorseful and has made enormous changes in himself. He has worked really hard to save the marriage.

But, the betrayal of infidelity is brutal. I was traumatized by the LTA and it took me a long time to heal.

You are experiencing the emotional roller coaster ride.
That's normal and most every BS goes through it.

A book that was helpful for me was: Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman.

You have been through a lot of very distressing and traumatic events. It takes time to get over it all.
But you can survive this and even thrive.

Offhispedestal posted 9/21/2013 17:34 PM

Brkn_heartd : I feel that way as well. Even if I would have called it quits and found someone new, I would still go through this. Like you said my heart just hurts still

PeaceLove: one of the main issues we had was his libido is 80-90% and mine was 35%. When I was just turning 40 I felt way more aroused than I did years ago. At first I thought it was HB. But that wasn't the case. I want sex 6-9 times wk.
I felt embarrassed but discussed this with my sister. She assured me the same thing happened to her and she's been that way for about 9 yrs lol.

I'm glad to know its pretty normal but as everyone would agree, it sucks big time. I hate the fact that my feelings go cold and I question my love for him. Then days later I love him and get butterflies and all when I see him.
And the passion between is electrifying. The up and down of my feelings is what brings this doubt

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