Some of you that have read my story may have a good idea of the trauma this caused me. Betrayal hurts period. After 20 yrs of what seemed to be a pretty amazing marriage, we were each other's BEST friends. He has always been an amazing father and husband. Our kids and I always came first. I had countless woman envy me. I feel I need to explain all this in order to paint a clear picture of my life before his A. He always called me several times from work & sent me adorable quotes & poems to my email. He would call me the minute he got in his car at 5:01 pm and we would talk until he got to the driveway...it was an hour drive but we ALWAYS had things to talk about. One anniversary we decided to write something special for each other. I took several days searching for a poem that best described our marriage. He took a whole week looking for a perfect quote or poem, on his lunch hour. The day of our anniversary we were super excited and handed each other our cards. I started to read mine out loud and my H stopped me and I could tell he was stunned... He showed me the card I just gave him and it was the exact poem. We both laughed and cried.
We had hundreds of special moments just like that. Fast forward to our 20th anniversary. He'd lost an amazing job that paid two and a half times what he gets paid now. He was crushed and depressed for over a yr.
Also I was not in "not in the mood/low libido" for yrs after the birth of our 1st child. He would get upset and tell me I wasn't fair but we got along great...
End of 2009 I lost my beloved teacup dog, he just disappeared, missing and I never found him. I was grieving like I had lost a relative...dare I say a child. I was like a zombie for over 5 months. Cried, searched and became obsessed looking for him. Spent probably a good $3,000,flyers, cards, detectives etc.
I was emotionally checked out. I was in bed and he tried for several weeks but soon he stopped. He started staying at gym longer, going out to watch UFC fights and " poker"
3 months into the A he confessed. His health suffered over keeping that secret also. He broke NC and became simply a hateful unremorseful demon. I saw emails, texts, pictures, videos of her naked. The ultimate was getting a gut feeling and getting in my car and I found them together in her car. My heart stopped, my breathing stopped and I froze for about 10 seconds. I beeped my horn and gave him the Peace sign and drove off. He said MANY hurtful things, he was "in love" MOW got a divorce to be with him. She's a serial cheater but she divorced her H to be with mine.
Please bare with me !! A lot more happened after. I was selling stuff from my business and was leaving him and moving over a thousand miles away. I was numb. I returned to church and my hopes and faith were all on God.
Then he felt the guilt, shame and remorse followed months later. He has gone beyond what I expected and continues to put in 100%. He's back,all the attention and love he showed me for years are multiplied by 10! He's transparent till this day. He still goes out of his way to make sure I am comfortable and feel safe.
NOW FOR MY QUESTION! It's been over 2+ yrs since R. I now have days and weeks that I absolutely adore him and feel that love like a school girl again lol. Then out of the blue I feel very little, I feel distant. He holds my hand and I feel little to nothing. I don't feel anger, resentment. It just makes me question myself " do I really love him? How much do I love him?? Did I settle? Then the distant feelings subside and I feel the love all over again. Is this normal for a BS after 4,5,6 or 8 yrs out?? That's why I'm asking for those BS in complete R after many yrs. it scares me to feel nothing and it hurts to know I feel that! I finally told him and he's noticed and asked if it could possibly be during my PMS. Because it seems to coincide around that time. I really hate the feeling of not feeling much.
He's been understanding over this and just tells me all he can do is be here for me and that he will never leave my side