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The kids are breaking my heart.

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hangingontohope7 posted 9/20/2013 20:33 PM

Younger DS cried himself to sleep tonight because he wants us all to live together at daddy's house again.

Older DS has brought this up several times but this is the first time that younger DS has really cried and expressed these feelings. I told him that it's okay to feel sad about what is going on. And that I'm here for him. I just don't know what else to say. I don't know how to explain all of this to him. He is so little.

It's nights like tonight that a small part of me wishes that STBXWH would pull his head out of his ass. That he wouldn't have just thrown our family away. Those little ones deserve better than what he has done to them.

I just needed to let it out. My heart is aching for them. And for me.

[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 8:34 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Gemini71 posted 9/20/2013 20:47 PM

I completely understand. My youngest DS is not happy that we will be moving out of the family home, the only home he has ever known. DS has also expressed a wish that "Daddy could decide to live with us again." It breaks my heart. All I can do is the same as you, tell him it's okay to be sad and be there for him.

My DS is 7 and in school, so there is a school counselor he can talk to. Maybe you can find a counselor to help your DS through this transition? There are also some great books to help kids through D. You can check your local library.

And of course, the SOBs that caused all this don't see the damage they leave in their wake. My STBXH sees the kids on Sundays, and alternating Saturdays. That's it. Two overnight's a month. The hurt he has caused our children is the one part of this that I will never forgive him for.

PurpleRose posted 9/20/2013 20:49 PM

I went through months of this with my littles too..

my son (the youngest) took it the hardest. He was 8 when the Dooosh first announced that "I'm not happy, and mommy doesn't want me living here anymore, so I'm moving out.."

DS was crushed. Was worried about being the only "man" in the house, needing to protect me (cause I was a complete wreck) and just missed his dad. Before dropping the nuclear bomb on our family, we were all very close and both of us put the kids to bed every night. That was the hardest time for them.

I would just recommend you hug them through this, remind them you and their dad still love them very much and that won't change (hopefully - it didn't pan out for both of my kids...) and let them know that no matter WHAT happens with you and dad, YOU will be there to love and care for them.

It sucks for the kids. :(

Thefly559 posted 9/21/2013 11:41 AM

My kids are young too and say the same thing . In the beginning it was bad. They would scream and cry and ask why? And say they don't want it ! Now they say that they want to talk to the judge! It is so sad how anyone would want this ! My stbxww has a degree in psychology and when I ask the kids what mommy says , they say mommy doesn't talk about it at all even when we ask her!!! So much for that degree!! I just say that I am sorry and that I know it is hard and that I am here to answer questions and talk. What I want to say is that your mother is a lying cheating thief and she is the one who wants divorce because she fell in love with another person behind daddy's back while he was working hard and trying to give all you guys a better life. But I will not say that until they are 25 yrs old at least. But by then they will probably know the truth.

sleepless34 posted 9/21/2013 19:21 PM


Oh man, that hurts so much. All you can do is listen and let them talk. I have no answers that will help them, I say the same thing about it being okay to be sad and that I am sad too. I say we will be okay alot too....

Mine are 8 and 10, and the older one kind of gets it, doesn't really want to talk about it. The little one.....she is so confused and sad. She has acid reflux, headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, hates name it. She is totally stressed, crys a lot and keeps asking why? why? why?

She was asking me if Daddy will be here for Halloween? Will he be here to put the ornaments on the XMas tree? Why doesn't he want to be with us here anymore......sigh.

It breaks my heart for all these little ones that do not deserve this. They deserve to have their happy little life and happy little family and be kids.

I too get really really angry at my STBX about his risking the happiness of our kids for his own selfishness. It is so crappy. It happened to him and he said he would NEVER do this to his kids.

hangingontohope7 posted 9/21/2013 20:48 PM

It happened to him and he said he would NEVER do this to his kids.

My STBXWH said this too.

I struggle with what to tell them. I clearly can't say all of the horrible things that I'm thinking. He is their dad and they are too young to understand exactly what is happening.

But, I worry that they will grow up with a distorted view of what relationships should be. It isn't right to cheat on your spouse. Would he want his children to do this to their spouses when they grow up? I doubt he has even thought about it. He is so wrapped up in his own selfish actions right now.

Thefly559 posted 9/21/2013 21:03 PM

Yes it is crazy and disgusting how my stbxww 's mother had an exit affair on her father and she hated her mother for it for years! Till she did the same ! Now they are buddies. My kids are 9 and 7 and my 9 year old doesn't talk about it except if it is just me and her alone. And my son is angry like real angry. Why the hell would anyone want this? Her court papers for divorce say nothing but that we fight a lot? ???? Married for 9 years , together18 , two kids , a business , and two homes, and we started really arguing about 3 years prior wow exactly when her affair started. Go figure?

sleepless34 posted 9/22/2013 11:39 AM

It is really hard. Some people take the approach of leaving the kids out of it altogether and just say "mommy and daddy can't be happy together and we both decided this is best."

My kids know that isn't really the truth, because Mr. Integrity brought them into it early on and gave them too much info.

I have given them age appropriate information about breaking vows and how that means you can't always stay together. I have also told them it was not mommy's choice, because I need them to know that this is not what I wanted for them.

If Mr. Integrity had handled this differently, shown some maturity and empathy for us, or tried to work on the M before it got Sooooo out of control on his end, everyone would have fared better.

Instead, he made it traumatic for them and for me. That is the part that I really don't get. How you can say how much you love your kids, they are the most important thing in the world....but you really really hurt them.

It is going to impact how they trust, how they love, etc. I will have to work twice as hard on my end to correct the damage done by this weak, pathetic creature.

Sooooo pissed off.

hangingontohope7 posted 9/22/2013 12:01 PM

I wish I could simply keep it that mommy and daddy couldn't be together. That was what we told them at the beginning. But since he has decided to let OW live with him and she is there when the kids are there, its made things very complicated. Did I mention that we are less than 3 months out from DDay? And OW has been staying overnight, with the kids present, for the past month?

So, clearly they know that daddy has a girlfriend. I worry that they will grow up thinking this is acceptable. And, they are really too young at 5 & 7 to grasp just how wrong it is but still old enough to get a sense of what it going on. It's just so damn frustrating and unfair.

I'm really struggling with this right now. I don't know if I will ever have the "right" answer for them. And, I don't know if I will ever forgive him for putting the kids through this or for putting me in a position where I have to clean up his mess simply for the sake of making sure the children aren't permanently screwed up.

[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 10:04 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

sleepless34 posted 9/23/2013 16:46 PM

God, what a DICK! And the kids will love him anyway. And it will warp their view of what loyalty and love mean. That sucks. When they get older, they will get it. I feel for sorry...

What a complete selfish arse

Abbondad posted 9/23/2013 17:17 PM

The effects on the innocents are the worst part of the nightmare. Not all that long ago my two little ones were the happiest children in the world, safe in the arms of two parents who loved each other and who loved them beyond belief. We were a very happy family. Our home was filled with laughter,

Then it was gone. Our two happy little children are so no longer. I know what many on SI says: they are resilient, they will be as happy as you are, etc. I am not scorning these sentiments. But the objective truth is this:

both my kids are on anti-depressants and anti-anxieties,

my DS is not doing well in school and comes home sad,

my DD wets the bed every night she sleeps at her mom's,

They are scared that they might be leaving the only home they've known,

They have lost the life they knew and felt so safe in. My WW destroyed it. Just destroyed it. For this I will never forgive her. Never.

sleepless34 posted 9/23/2013 21:57 PM

Abbondad, I am so sorry to hear that about your kids.

I totally agree with you. I will never forgive Mr. Integrity for doing this to our kids.

Mine were also so happy, so safe, so secure, they were the priority, they had a good happy life, two loving parents, friends, neighbors, all of it.

Now out of nowhere, we come home from vacation and Daddy is talking about how "he is always going to love them no matter what" and then he is telling them there may be a divorce. They knew we had a fight, that daddy did something wrong and now he doesn't live here anymore. But why, why why they ask? They are mad sometimes, mad at me, mad at him, sad, my little one has acid reflux, stomach ache, head aches, you name it. She cries every day at least once.

And I really don't like it when people say, oh they are resilient, they will be fine, they will adjust. I am sorry, but the kids are the real losers in this situation. all of these kids.

Yes, I F**Ing know that time will heal these wounds...but it is not fair to them. This is not what they signed up for. This is not what I wanted for them. He didn't even try. He takes no responsibility. Can not understand the impact. Trys to blame it all on me.

I am sad that someday when they are grown ups I will have to tell them that "No, Your Father never told me there was a problem, He never tried to work on our marriage, and he just took the cowardly path by cheating, found someone else and it was just easier to slink off in the night with this freak he met online and then acted like it was no big deal and we should just get over it" yeah, they will probably figure out what an idiot he is on their own before I have to tell them anything.

BUT, despite my tangent above, I do agree with you. I will never forgive him for hurting these beautiful kids!

myperfectlife posted 9/24/2013 13:02 PM

They have lost the life they knew and felt so safe in. My WW destroyed it. Just destroyed it. For this I will never forgive her. Never.

As did my WH. The collateral damage in all of this is our 3 boys.
They had a stable, loving, fun and beautiful life before he dumped all this on us suddenly one day out of the blue.
They have had to grow up instantly.
There has been a lot of fallout...self medicating, acting out, depression.
It digusts me that he says he loves them and never gave a thought to what he would be doing.
He said "I figured it would be a little hard, but they would get over it."
Mine are older and know way too many details.
We've always been open about communication, but I never expected to be sitting at dinner with my teenage boys' and their friends with my oldest son saying "Yeah, my dad thinks its ok to fuck women other than his wife."
How did this become my reality?
Even through all that, I know my boys wish in some part of their hear that we will all be a family together again. My 14 year old just asked me "so is there no way you and dad will get back together?" and my answer had to be "I don't trust him." It all goes back on him, and they know it. Having 3 boys-does he even comprehend the masculinity issues they will be facing?
It breaks my heart.

sleepless34 posted 9/24/2013 16:59 PM

myperfectlife, I hear you, I am sorry. That is so hard. I feel so bad for all these kids.

It does teach them something about relationships and shows them how to act. Sometimes it is subconcious and then you do it yourself when you are older even if you know it is wrong, but it feels right because it feels familiar and comfortable...

My STBX tried his whole life to fight against being the man his father was. He was judgemental and even preachy about how bad it is too break up family for kids and people need to work it out, blah blah blah. Now, here we are and he did to me and his kids what his father did to his mother and his siblings.

Hopefully having a strong mama like you will offset the poor role model your X sorry

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