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Newest Member: pea2 (46023)

User Topic: Each day I feel like I'm dying a little bit more
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure where to post this as I really don't fit in anywhere. I know I'm suffering from moderate to severe depression. I had some very suicidal thoughts earlier this week. So many things went wrong in one day and then trying not to take out my frustration and anger on my precious babies made it turn inward. Thoughts of anger quickly turned to wishing to take a bottle of sleeping pills or left over ADs. I even thought of cutting myself... something I haven't done since middle school. I probably would have done it too if my little 3 year old wasn't staying in my room for the night. I love my kids and would do anything for them. I know that I am not whole right now and feel so guilty for not being more "there" for them. I have been struggling for so long. The feeling of drowning has been overwhelmingly constant for the last year or so.

I don't really feel I belong here because my issues involve my exwh sexual abusing me... raping me... I hate that word. I hate saying and I hate admitting it. He abused me in other ways too. So I went to a rape support message board.... I don't really belong there either because my husband cheated on me and I'm divorced and suffer from some of the issues with his cheating. I feel surrounded by people and belonging nowhere.

I'm going to a support group for sexual abuse survivors... most of them suffered from childhood sexual abuse. I know it's my coping mechanism kicking in but I sit there thinking certainly they can't be telling the truth. These things didn't really happen to them. They were not abused and neither was I.... we are all sitting around crying over things that are just in our head. My heart knows they were really hurt and I'm sad for what they lost but my head refuses to believe. I had gone to a rape counselor and that didn't seem to help much.

My mind has taken over control of my feelings so that I don't feel things if they are not close to me. I know going to this support group is triggering a lot of my angst for no better word for it.

I know I am suffering from dehydration. My eyes are extremely dry. I have to put drops in them numerous times a day. My mouth is very dry. My skin looks like an elderly lady's and the mental confusion comes and goes. I know that I am getting close to needing to be admitted to the hospital.....but I don't care. No one can take my kids away for not getting enough water. I'm sitting here drinking liquor right now (it's a perfect night for drinking) knowing that it will dehydrate me more and I don't care.

I haven't been eating well either. 3/4 of my daily calories come from soda... to be more exact Coke.... and I don't care. I know it's not good for me but I just struggle to care. There is that voice in my head that tells me how I'm not good enough, that I'm not loveable... everything SO says is a lie.

It didn't help that I tend to be the one to text SO in the morning to say good morning and throughout the day tell him how I love him and he is good for me. I tend to be the one to call first. Well I decided to see if he would ever contact me without me initiating. I haven't heard from him in over 36 hours, which is very unusual for us. We are on the phone with each other at least 2 hours a day and text all throughout the day. It just feels like he doesn't care and I'm the only one keeping this relationship going. At one point I was thinking of talking to him but what would I say? "Hi I'm having suicidal thoughts again. I know you must not really want to talk but I need you?"

I really want to care but I just can't get there. Just not hurting myself is all I can do for now and I'm really struggling with that.

[This message edited by courageous at 9:05 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((courageous))))) Honey. So much going on for you right now. It's not easy to face what your XH did to you. It's not easy to dig all that up and process through it. It's terribly difficult in the best of circumstances, let alone while trying to take care of your kids and keep functioning day in and day out.

I'm sorry this is all weighing so heavily right now, but gently, honey, you have to take better care of yourself. You just do. If you can't believe that you are worth it, you MUST believe that your kids are. They need their mom.

THEY NEED THEIR MOM.

Don't you dare short change them by punishing yourself the way you're currently doing.

Start caring for their mother. Get up and get her a glass of water. Drink it. Do it for them. Keep doing right by them, honey. You can do this.

Sending you strength.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26472 | Registered: Aug 2011
thenon-goddess
♀ 31229
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Courageous))))

Hon, is there anyone that you can call, family, a close friend, that can come be with you right now?

Can you make an appointment and get in with your doctor for the first if the week?

It sounds like support groups aren't quite what you need right now. I can tell you love your babies and you want what's best for them. They need their momma to be healthy and it is okay to ask for help!!

Drinking might feel good in the moment, but it is likely to cause your depression to get worse. How about a nice glass of ice water for starters and a call to family or your best friend. How do you feel right now? Reach out if you need help, please. You do fit in. No two of us are going through the exact same struggle, but we all have our hurts and we all need love and to feel safe. You do belong!!!


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Feb 2011
thenon-goddess
♀ 31229
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Courageous))))

Hon, is there anyone that you can call, family, a close friend, that can come be with you right now?

Can you make an appointment and get in with your doctor for the first if the week?

It sounds like support groups aren't quite what you need right now. I can tell you love your babies and you want what's best for them. They need their momma to be healthy and it is okay to ask for help!!

Drinking might feel good in the moment, but it is likely to cause your depression to get worse. How about a nice glass of ice water for starters and a call to family or your best friend. How do you feel right now? Reach out if you need help, please. You do fit in. No two of us are going through the exact same struggle, but we all have our hurts and we all need love and to feel safe. You do belong!!!


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Feb 2011
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((courageous)))

Please hang in there. Sometimes it's one day at a time, sometimes it's one minute at a time. You can and will get through this. Things can and will get better. Your kids need you and love you.

You absolutely do belong.

Please reach out for help if you feel like it's getting to be too much.

Please drink some water, even if it is just a sip to start.

We're here for you.

Sending strength to you.


Posts: 8232 | Registered: Dec 2010
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kids and I live with my parents. The kids are gone this weekend... It's my first real weekend to myself since July. My parents are downstairs and I can't tell them what's going on. I can't tell them what exwh did to me because they wouldn't want to have any contact with him which makes life difficult for all that are involved.. Me included. My mom has even told me that she can't handle going thru another divorce with me because it was just too devastating/ painful for her (she's talking about MY divorce... She has been married for 39 years). This is my secret that I have to keep. I know it's the weight of the world on me but what am I to do?

I lost my doctor when I moved out of the marital home in 2011. I went to a doctor in this new city and even though I was the FIRST patient of the day she had me waiting over an hour in a paper gown. Needless to say I never went back to her. I know I need to find a doctor but between working 50-60 hours a week, taking care of kids, stressed out from working in a toxic environment, trying to find a new job due to the toxic ness, relationship with SO, church, etc.

I even struggle with sleeping. I stay up until I just fall asleep from exhaustion. I don't know why I dread sleep even though I know it's possible to die eventually from not getting enough sleep... Strangely that scares me yet I can't change it. I take melatonin to make me go to sleep. I used to have Ambien but I ran out and need a doctor for that.

I know I want to be better but I just don't feel better. Drinking water feels just like a kid that is being forced to eat veggies. I'm trying but I know I could try harder. It's just so hard when I feel so down. I know I don't look down. I'm good at bottling it up and it comes out again when I'm alone. So spending time with friends just delays the inevitable.

I know I need help but it's like a person drowning in the ocean. They are trying to stay afloat but they keep getting hit in the face with waves.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jan 2012
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((courageous)))

I'm so sorry you are struggling. Please know that you belong here. Lean on us. Things may seem dark lately, but there are still good days ahead. Look at pics of your children's sweet faces. They love and need you.

Take it one hour at a time. Try drinking some water, tea, or juice. Please consider calling a new dr. Sending you strength and hope.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:00 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 36763 | Registered: Mar 2011
metamorphisis
♀ 12041
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of the legacy of any type of abuse is that once the abuser stops, we tend to continue to do their work for them. We just take right over and abuse ourselves.
Please stop carrying on his abuse for him. You don't have to. You can put it down and leave it where he dropped it and find a way to heal. There are help lines and and support groups full of women who felt like you do right now.
One day someone who is hurting is going to need you to show them the way out. And you will. Give yourself the gift of some kindness. You deserve some kindness. Take a drink of water, get some good rest, eat a little bit and start from there. Your life is worth something.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45383 | Registered: Sep 2006
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have words. Meta's words sound perfect.

I do have hugs. ((((courageous))))

You named yourself. You can do this because you are brave. You told us so.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5935 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((courageous)))

You belong here just as much as anyone. In terms of fitting, we're all so different that I think the only real qualifier for posting is feeling like you need to.

My heart goes out to you for everything you are going through. "Overwhelmed" is an understatement, I'm sure.

You're so brave and strong to come talk about what you are experiencing. Not harming yourself IS a big deal and you are championing that effort.

We care about you. We're here for you.

Sending hugs and love and deep breaths.


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Posts: 18673 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Courageous)))))))

Your name suits you, and I know you don't feel that way right now but just the fact that you reached out here shows that you are.

Please try to find a doctor who you feel comfortable with, and continue to reach out for support. Please drink water and eat when you can.

We all care about you, and your precious children need you and love you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38925 | Registered: Sep 2007
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what I am going to do know. I woke up with a massive headache. I drank some water and Gatorade... Within minutes I threw it all up. I can't keep anything down.

Ugh. Why did I drink last night? I knew better!


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jan 2012
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You threw up because of the alcohol, not the water/Gatorade. Drink another cup, and eat something. I suggest something greasy (seriously) like French fries or hash browns. Eat a few bites, then let yourself rest. Small amounts of food and clear liquids every 30min until you feel hungry or thirsty. You might throw up again but keep trying to eat and drink.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13927 | Registered: Jul 2011
thenon-goddess
♀ 31229
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Courageous, glad to see you checking in, sorry you feel so crappy. You need to drink more water - flush that crap out of your system. Eat some breakfast and take some Tylenol to stave off that hangover that you are gonna be feeling.

You mentioned church - if you are a church goer, can you not seek guidance from your pastor or within the congregation? This does NOT have to be your secret to bear. Reach out and I guarantee you will find people who want to auoport you.

Also, you are working - good! That should give you access to an EAP? Reach out to them for some counseling services and....you have co-workers - great! You do not need to share your story with them if you don't want, but you certainly can just ask around and see if there is a recommendation for a great doctor in the area. Then - make. An. Appointment! You deserve to feel better!

((((Courageous))))


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Feb 2011
million pieces
♀ 27539
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Hugs)))))


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1281 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
wildbananas
♀ 10552
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been exactly where you are right now, courageous... I remember the hopeless feeling well. It's such a dark, scary place to be.

But I also remember pulling out of it. It was a long road but I did it by taking baby steps and leaning heavily on my bff and doctor. I'm so glad I did because there was no way I could have done it alone. I knew what I needed to do but it felt too overwhelming to do it alone.

You aren't alone. You have your babies, you have us... and you have YOU. You are courageous. You can do this.

You don't always have to know where you're going. Sometimes it help just to know what you're going to do next.

Baby steps. You DO belong.

(((courageous)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15448 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Courageous))))))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5736 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, when you're struggling with multiple burdens (sexual abuse, overwhelmed mom, not being able to be honest with your family, everyone expecting you to just get over it, work, money fall out from the A or D, and then the A itself) healing doesn't seem to be happening bc you can always point to one of those burdens and say "see, fucking hopeless bc there is no improvement there".

Thus you kind of get caught in a non-healing cycle when in fact all of your energy is focused on trying to feel better. Because that's the goal, to feel better. But you exhaust yourself in the process bc well, it's just a lot and it's too easy to point to where you aren't making progress instead of where you are.

I'm going to be a bit contrarian here and rather than tell you that you need to practice self care (obvs & well now really, you would if you could, which is part of the problem) I'm going to suggest that you start searching within yourself for some anger. You have to right to be very angry with a goodly number of people in your life, & not just that fucking waste of oxygen you had the misfortune to marry. That anger is going to energize you. That anger will give you the energy to live up to your username and be truly courageous, that anger will free you to stop pussyfooting around people who aren't there for you emotionally (your parents). That anger will cause you to act well on your own behalf. That anger will pull you out of this pit of despair that is sucking at your heels. Be angry Courageous, be very very angry. You deserve it. And it's going to feel gooooooooood. I promise you.

((((Courageous)))))


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3201 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still haven't been able to keep anything down so I went to a clinic. They are about to start an IV on me.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jan 2012
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for checking in, courageous. Hopefully the IV will give your tummy a break and get some much needed fluids into your system. Try to rest. It's really good that you checked in to get help with this.

(For the record, Gatorade is super acidic and when my stomach is tender it sets me off really badly too.)

(((courageous)))


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Posts: 18673 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
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