Hi SI friends, been awhile. We've been well overall thanks to IC/MC and you guys, of course. Life seemed to have picked up a new "normal" pattern.
Well, approaching anti 1 and you could say shit is hitting the fan...again. I seriously feel like I'm going nuts. Even though anti isn't until mid November, this is about when I "knew" he was cheating and and point blank asked him if he was. He, of course, lied. I, of course, bought it even though I knew he was lying. Just couldn't prove it at the time.
Anyway, I'm all over the place again and I don't know what to do. I'm crying, I'm pissed, I'm pushing the edge of being spiteful, my temper is short with him and my DS and I don't know how to deal. The latter two are very out of character for me. Even on/after dday, I didn't have the spiteful/temper problems. I was just a useless blob that would often burst into tears. I'd get angry and default to my sarcasm defense mechanism, but that's one thing I worked on in C.
I know those who have been there say anti #1 and year 2 are hell, but I'm blown away by the intensity of it all. We've worked through so much and I feel like a total heel for drudging it all up again. It's like I can't control myself. I've even had the urge to look up old AP's for god only knows why!
I was happy that I was getting to where his A's weren't the first thing I thought about when I woke and the last thing before sleep. Now they pop up anytime...all the time. I can't focus at all and that is really, REALLY bad in my field.
I guess I just don't know what to do. Help.