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Newest Member: YoungNInLove (61865)

User Topic: 2 Steps Back?
♀ 38341
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SI friends, been awhile. We've been well overall thanks to IC/MC and you guys, of course. Life seemed to have picked up a new "normal" pattern.

Well, approaching anti 1 and you could say shit is hitting the fan...again. I seriously feel like I'm going nuts. Even though anti isn't until mid November, this is about when I "knew" he was cheating and and point blank asked him if he was. He, of course, lied. I, of course, bought it even though I knew he was lying. Just couldn't prove it at the time.

Anyway, I'm all over the place again and I don't know what to do. I'm crying, I'm pissed, I'm pushing the edge of being spiteful, my temper is short with him and my DS and I don't know how to deal. The latter two are very out of character for me. Even on/after dday, I didn't have the spiteful/temper problems. I was just a useless blob that would often burst into tears. I'd get angry and default to my sarcasm defense mechanism, but that's one thing I worked on in C.

I know those who have been there say anti #1 and year 2 are hell, but I'm blown away by the intensity of it all. We've worked through so much and I feel like a total heel for drudging it all up again. It's like I can't control myself. I've even had the urge to look up old AP's for god only knows why!

I was happy that I was getting to where his A's weren't the first thing I thought about when I woke and the last thing before sleep. Now they pop up anytime...all the time. I can't focus at all and that is really, REALLY bad in my field.

I guess I just don't know what to do. Help.

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO there's nothing to *do* about combating an anti-. Maybe I'm all messed up but it seems to me that the subconscious anti- shit has a mind all of its own and I have/had absolutely NO control over it.

Seriously Heart, there were anti's that I didn't even consciously remember or contemplate with my *lucid* mind....but I found myself being in a *funk*....and it wasn't until I stopped to figure out WHY I was so *off* that I realized what was going on.

My (probably really stupid) advice is to warn KB that you're going to be a nutjob for the <x> amount of time and that you expect him to not freak out and cause you more anguish as this unfolds. In my magic....when the anti- was *fine* again. Strangest shit ever, to be all twisted up on one day and then to wake up the next and be all like, okay.....

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What gonna says is absolutely true. I had been doing really well and then as it approached I went into a whole different zone as well. It is your subconscious reminding you of a traumatic event. I found that once I stopped fighting it that it actually got easier. I just let it come as it needed to and hl and I dealt with it. I gave him a heads up when I knew that things were headed south.

What you are going through is normal but it sucks and I am sorry that it is happening. Big huge hugs to you.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
♀ 38341
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for the affirmation. I assumed that it was a "just how it is" type situation. Might be a little easier knowing that it is what it is. Sucks and makes me angry, but I do feel better that I'm/we're not losing ground.

KB knows. I think he started freaking out, but realized exactly what you are saying. I'm just going to be that way until it passes. My only hope is that it DOES pass. I know it sounds petty, but I really don't have time to deal with being who I was post dday.

Thanks, girls.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 7:42 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 4

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