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does it ever go away?

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BFGF posted 9/21/2013 01:20 AM

He says he doesn't have anything else to say. That he is disgusted by that person and that he isn't that person anymore...
That he will talk to me as long as I need to if it still helps me.
Sometimes I still want to scream at him and say the most hurtful things ever because at times it still hurts so much. Does that feeling of wanting to lashout ever go away?
We have been doing great and I whenever I feel that I don't do anything wait a few days and then try to talk about it instead of just hurting him because I am hurting...

I'm realizing the triggering is something that is beyond my control. It's like a landslide that at time sis so hard to fight to the surface. I picture all the good times we've built since Dday and that helps.... cash in the credit we've put in the relationship bank right?
but will this ever stop? will I one day be able to see a picture of that fucking trip and not feel something? and be like "OH THAT LOOKS LIKE A REALLY GOOD SPOT!"
As of right now I hate that trip. I hate Australia. I hate New Zeland. I hate all his friends he made there. I hate the pictures. I see him smile in them and all I think is "HOW HOW ARE YOU SMILING!!! How could you smile after what you did? HOW?!" I hate EVERYTHING about that trip and to know somewhere in his apartment still is the journal he wrote on his trip makes me want to burn the entire building.... I hate it all.

TwoHearts posted 9/21/2013 02:17 AM

wow, you are hurting. I am sorry life feels like that for you right now. You will see here that surviving this is like grieving a death, it takes time to work through it and is a roller coaster throughout. Breathe deep and see a doctor for any meds that might help, like sleep aids and talk to an IC so you don't think you have to cope by yourself. Stick around and eventually you will be helping others too.

Hugs to you, and remember you are still very special.

Skan posted 9/21/2013 11:54 AM

I don't know that the pain ever does go away. It can lessen, but there will be triggers. Hell, after a wonderful week together, on Friday I went back to total resentment and anger about our situation, then had a snap trigger that night after a wonderful dinner while watching a movie. I kicked over a TV tray, broke it, and threw a glass of wine across the room (white, luckily).

I took the time to read your profile, and given your situation, I sincerely doubt that your feelings of pain and hurt are going to go away soon. There's a lot there to deal with. There's a lot to heal from. And I'm just not certain that this WBF is the person to help you through this, being as it seems that traveling is what he does and what is your biggest trigger.

And I personally, would burn the fricking journal and dance on it's ashes. I wouldn't be able to live with that thing hidden somewhere in a place that I was staying.


Amber13 posted 9/21/2013 17:28 PM

The pain will lessen over time. I'm nearly a year on and still trigger. But I don't want to take it out on him anymore.
Just ride the waves... Hope your okay.

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