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Knowing the 'why'

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want2seelight posted 9/21/2013 05:41 AM

Hi everyone

I do not exactly belong to the just found out forum because this is the the first site where I am posting my story but I do not belong to the reconcilation forum either.

Since D-Day, I have been scorning web like mad person reading and reading and crying and then again reading. Now I have finally found this website where I can actually interact with other BS and also read stories from the perspective of WS which is a rare thing.
ts been quite a time since discovery day but I am not even close to R. I have been doing IC and we are sort of mentally divorced that is living in the same house for the kids. The kids are the only reason I am trying to grow a lotus in this mud or I would have left long ago.
Really, reading about the BS rollercoaster and fog and etc. was something which made me feel normal. Many posts and expressions I read here were something I could have written myself and realized how we all are connected though we all are different people different places. and it hurts like hell to see BS number goin up every day.

I have read this thought many times that if the whole world was to place all their problems in a pile, you'll rush to grab back yours and it was true for me when I came here.
I have been reading many of the posts on this site and what shocked me was the double betrayal forum and long term affairs forums. I always thought that LTA or double betrayal is a deal breaker but when I read that people are trying to reconcile from affairs 8 years long, in their own home, with their sister with their best friend I was totally numb. and cried I don't know how much as if I could feel the pain of these women as well along with mine. after all, in my case it was never at home and with an unknown OW, no OC involved and short term. Though this situation is itself a shit but it still feels better when I see other women's accounts. I always pray to give all of us lots of strength.
In the aftermath, it is very natural for us to search the 'why' and this is the most difficult question to answer. and the only right answer is purely selfishness. because there are always alternatives to every problems. I know affairs are not a reality and just fantasy and drug addiction but I still wanted to know what answers you all got to your whys, especially stories like MYHEARTSTILLHURT, STRONG ANDWOMANLY and many others stuck with me. I mean to say, there must be a reason why the WS chose to sleep with his wife's BFF for years in their own home? I mean what were the answers you got and what was going thru their mind? like waiting for you to leave home and then sleeping with friend in your bed and then welcoming you in the morning like nothing happened? Why would anyone in a sound marriage do this? and then when discovered work so hard for recovery? Do they think that 'Oh its just an affair and if she comes to know I will end it?' I really wanted to know the WS perspective on this that exactly why do they do this?

I know I have talked about myself very less here maybe because Its been quite a lot of time since discovery day and this question which I have asked has taken birth from pure awe and respect for women like MYHEARSTILLHURT and several others who are handling this while I haven't been able to forgive a short term one till now.
If you feel that I am being too peronal or breaching your privacy please tell me at once, I'll never ask those questions again.

want2seelight posted 9/21/2013 05:42 AM

typing mistake in the first line----
this is 'not' the first site where I am posting my story

isadora posted 9/21/2013 06:08 AM

Betrayal hurts. If the A ends on rest (or ended before) and your spouse is remorseful, it still takes 2-5 years to heal.

I'm over 3 years out and I still trigger. Still get angry. Still hurt. The roller coaster has slowed down and evened out.

I don't worry about the why, that's on FWH,

Hang in there

Laura28 posted 9/21/2013 06:09 AM

Hi honey

Welcome. I am sorry I cannot say more at the moment but rest assured others will be along to help soon.

The most common answer to why is because they were selfish and because they could.

There are of course lots of others. Everything from "You didn't have monkey sex with me" to "I hated the way you did your hair" and/or "You didn't share my interests".

The most important thing for you to understand is that it was in no way your fault. It never is. The choice to cheat is totally on the cheater.

You were both in the same M and you didn't choose to cheat.

He did and it is all totally on him.

So the "Why" is important for him in ensuring it never happens again. I used to think the "Why" was important to me too but have realised it isn't really. No "Why" will ever satisfy me and to be honest I think that for some WSs the "Why" changes from day to day.

I was a great wife. Not perfect but pretty good. I tried hard. The whole time. He didn't. Because he was selfish and I didn't mean enough to him to try. On top of that he cheated for many years having multiple LTAs.

He did it. I hate that he did it. But the reality is I don't give a shit what his reasons were.

Nothing can justify or excuse his behaviour.

Now he needs to prove to me that he is worth keeping. That's the most important issue for me. So far he is doing fairly well.



momwith2boys posted 9/21/2013 07:05 AM

FWH and I have learned in MC that we were not communicating well about our feelings and basically we were not connecting with each other before the A. It still does not give him an excuse to cheat . He was selfish and so was she ( she was my "friend" of 6 years). She gave him attention and made him feel wanted. He now knows that it was all fantasy and he was incredibly selfish. I think during the affair he knew he was hurting me and what the consequences would be if I found out but he felt out of control and couldn't stop it. He says it was like an addiction. I have a very hard time understanding this. I wonder if it I just an excuse.
We are trying to work on R right now. We have two little boys that are the center of our worlds and we love each other. I do worry that he is only with me and trying because of the boys. I don't think he would ever admit that to me but he reminds me that he wouldn't be going to MC if he didn't want to make it work.
But yes the fact that it was my friend, it was a LTA(8 months), and he continued to TT the whole time just adds more betrayal to the whole thing. It is hard to tell if he is being truthful now because he lied to me for 8 months and I had no idea. Everything seemed normal. Sometimes I wonder if I will get over this. Only time will tell I guess!

annb posted 9/21/2013 07:44 AM

Welcome want2seelight,

I believe Laura hit the nail on the head.

The most common answer to why is because they were selfish and because they could

^^This, IMO, it always boils down to selfishness.

Please keep in mind you did not cause him to have an affair, he owns his own actions.

After my D-Day, my WH began to place the blame on me. I wouldn't have it, no marriage is perfect, I was not perfect, he was not perfect, he justified every action in his mind bc of things *I* did or did not do.

catlover50 posted 9/21/2013 08:14 AM

I too, really wanted to know why. There was nothing obvious in the M, both of us considered ourselves happily married, had a decent sex life, etc.

Turns out my H had deeply hidden childhood issues that affected him in many ways. It actually was really important for him to figure out why, so that he could begin the work to become healthy and whole.

I got a two page letter of his thoughtful answers and it helped me a lot.

Of course selfishness was on the list, but WHY he was so selfish went back to his childhood.

cl131716 posted 9/21/2013 08:22 AM

In my Ws' case, I think the answer to why is because he is selfish, insecure, and needs constant validation in a way I can not give him. He needs a constant ego boost to feel like a man. As far as I know his A never got physical but he preys on women with low-self esteem or relationship issues coming in as a knight in shining armor. I only know of one woman who has actually fell for it but I'm sure there are more.

want2seelight posted 9/22/2013 02:42 AM

Thank you so much for putting in the effort of replying. I really appreciate it.

I know they do it because they were selfish and because they 'could' and in my case I made it clear to WS that none of this is my fault even if I was hitting a low self esteem on the inside but I was never to be blamed.
It has been many months since D-day and you can say I am halfway out of my own BS fog. apart from the reason that smthng was wrong in the marriage or some past nresolved issues(which are not an excue) I was talking of several cases I read here where the H slept with W best friend for years in their own home (and many others but this one really stuck with me) and then getting caught and putting efforts in R why would a man have an affair with BFF and then reconcile like with no apparent problem in the marriage?

The thing is, all this betrayal all over is piercing a knife in whatever's left over of my heart because somewhere we all are connected. Its like I am trying to solve the puzzle. especially the double betrayal stories... they were like a shock.

MJane posted 9/23/2013 07:28 AM

want2seelight - in your last post you said something I have been struggling with - I am still struggling for the "why" (how he was able to start a LT affair at the point in our lives that we were starting a family and, I thought, very happy) but I also struggle with the "why" he is wanting to R - if this woman was so important to risk our lives and to promise her on multiple occasions that he'd leave me (OW wrote long note and he confirmed he promised it but could never carry it out) - why on earth is he wanting to be "us". If I am so important to him that he wants to stay why did it take him 19 months to find that out and many many months of making me miserable before D-day. More than anything I struggle with whether I want and should R - won't this always color my feelings for him? Won't I always feel insecure with someone I should always have as my safe harbor? Won't it mean I am settling for second rate when I deserve better? I don't have those answers but those thoughts go around and around in my mind

want2seelight posted 9/29/2013 22:58 PM

MJANE I hear you this is exactly what I wanted to ask. They don't think about anything while cheating and suddenly after Dday everything is crying and begging. I sincerely feel it is the guilt of getting caught.
I mean a ONS can be a mistake but sleeping with someone for YEARS is a conscious choice. You consciously drive to the place and everything so why all this drama of R?
Even I am skeptical of R because of these thoughts

standinghere posted 9/30/2013 03:47 AM

anyone in a sound marriage

That's just it, the marriage isn't sound and healthy before the cheating takes place, usually because of the WS lacking the ability to deal with marital problems on a forthright level, and sometimes the BS as well, for reasons that are usually being hidden. Repeating patterns of destructive behavior, and not even realizing it.

Lovedyoumore posted 9/30/2013 09:31 AM

Every person on here has a different story, but we are all here for the same reason. One or both spouses decided to cheat and break hearts. Whether it was an EA, ONS, short PA or LTA, we all hurt because we have lost somethings we loved. I hope you do not mind me chiming in.

My husband's IC told him they would not even begin to discuss the why until he had admitted the what. He had to come clean to the IC as well as me about what he had done. Everything. He gave him a main list of 12 items to answer as well as anything I needed in the sub topics. That was so the IC to know where to begin and for me so I could decide if I wanted to stay and R. It took weekly visits for 6 months before they even started with the why. But you know what? Even though we talk about it, I really do not care about the why. I can have a discussion about it and intellectually understand it, but it does not keep me here or make me want to leave. The why is for H. He needs to know why he did what he did and he needs to make changes in his life. The IC told my H that he alone owns the why making the A 100% his to own. I cannot make him do the work or monitor him enough to make sure he never does it again. I can hold him accountable when issues are in front of me and I can witness acts of love and service to me, but I cannot crawl into his head and guide him. But this I know, as well as he, if he screws up again and tears up the gift of forgiveness and R I am trying to give him, he will be without me and his kids for the rest of his life.

Now, IC therapist take on why? The general: Depression, middle age funk, job dissatisfaction, FOO issues, absence of boundaries

The specific: sudden death of his mother due to horrific traffic accident; cold, uncaring, abusive father; job pressures that he could not control or affect due to out of touch boss with his own issue; withdrew from me because I was "too good" for him; meet an agressive woman who set out to get him. She needed a nice man for a sperm donor and used his pain to get him. She is a divinity school grad/minister who "counseled" him right into her bed. As someone on here once said,she recognized his wound like a lion sees a limp.

topperoff22 posted 9/30/2013 10:22 AM

I have never got a "why" only "That's why I'm going to a counselor!" and "I don't just want to give you an answer and then months down the road have to give you another one."


inmisery1 posted 9/30/2013 12:20 PM

Why? He says it's because the kids and I don't appreciate him enough, but after second A, my theory is it's because he's a selfish prick who thinks he's entitled.

tushnurse posted 9/30/2013 14:35 PM

As many others here already know I feel knowing the Why of it is essential to healing, and having a successful R. Without this piece the puzzle is not complete, and even trickier is getting to the true why, and really understanding it, and fixing whatever that is withing themselves.

Why- Because I was depressed, or unhappy, or needed to be needed or whatever the reason is not enough. But WHY did you feel that way, and what about it made it a significant factor in your choices.

My H- Was unhappy with his life, and had a premature mid life crisis. I was making good money, and didn't "need" him. All of that stuff combined together to make him feel like I didn't appreciate him, and he saw it never getting any better, so he was looking for escape anyway he could find it. He was considering D prior to his A. I have proof of this. And like loved you more his AP was a D attorney that could answer some of his questions, she recognized his issues as well as the divinity teacher did her H's, and as well as the lion can recognize the limper in the herd.

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