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what.are the signs that it was a dealbreaker

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RSEB posted 9/21/2013 06:34 AM

Hi my BH and I have been in R (or so I think) for almost 4 years now. I had a 6 year LTA. My story is in my profile.
i just recently had a thread in "wayward" and all the advise is sinking in. I tend to read my threads over and over to get fresh perspective and take in different aspects with every read.
I was hoping to get a few.perspectives from this forum. !my BH does not seem to "know" if my A was a dealbreaker. Is that possible at 4 years out? To get my side and my efforts my thread "please help" in wayward sums up our history in R.
There are MANY pre A issues that I know we need to work on. My BHis still reeling so we havent even touched on those. I amto the point that if he truly "can't/won't address these things then I have to make a choice. If my BH would communicate with me what he needs I would hold on and fight forever but if I'm fighting alone...our M will never be healthy...for both of us.

AFrayedKnot posted 9/21/2013 07:26 AM

This is a subject where I go against the grain. It is my belief that the pre-A issues are just as important as the A issues. That they all need to be worked on simultaneously. There is no way in hell that I am going to go through all this pain just to go back to the unfulfilling pre-A relationship. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

I posted on your other thread. What are the two of you doing for fun? What new memories are you making? What are you doing to make today so awesome that working through this shit seems worth it?

[This message edited by Chicho at 7:27 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Silentthoughts posted 9/21/2013 10:52 AM

I just read thru all the post in your ww thread. I think there was a lot of good advice for you in there. I think sometimes my bh is also stuck. It's almost been 3 years since dday but my A situation was different than yours. My bh is more proactive than yours in reading etc but spends a lot of time trying to fix me, and not himself or our pre A issues. You cant fix him but you can help him get to a better place emotionally. I think you need to write a list of specific things you want emotionally from him and let him find ways to meet those needs. I mean a detailed list like:
1. give me a card once a week.
2. buy me a candy bar when you stop to get gas.
3. Plan a dinner out once a month without kids.
Or whatever floats your boat.
he isn't a mind reader and you might get him in the habit of thinking about what you need from him and it might grow into spontaneous acts which is what you want long term right? and don't fall for the mindset that if you tell him what to do it doesn't count. his brain is not wired like that. His love language is acts of service right? So is mine. He thinks doing the manly jobs around the house is showing his love for you. You need more from him, but he can't or won't change. Show him clearly what taking care of your emotional needs looks like and see what he does. He has said he will stay married to you, so whether your A is the deal breaker is the wrong question to ask. At some point you need to decide if his emotional disconnect thats been in your M from the start is a deal breaker for you.

kenny55 posted 9/23/2013 18:55 PM

I read your post on the Wayward and I wish I could give you hope but your husband sounds a lot like me. Good guy, hard worker. My WW also was remorseful, but I was not there as yousaid for yor BH. It was her decision to divorce. I would have stated married probably forever, but things had changed. I no longer was connected as a husband and wife. Not sure if this makes sense and sorry it is not what you may want to hear.

sisoon posted 9/23/2013 19:28 PM

I haven't read your post on WS, but I think it's impossible to heal unless both parties face their pain.

If your H can't or won't face his grief, anger, and fear over your A, he can't heal from the trauma and probably can't make significant changes in his M behavior and attitudes.

But the trauma of a 6 year LTA seems especially awful to me, which means it'll probably take a good deal longer than the 'normal' 2-5 years.

What has your H done to heal from his pain?

I disagree with Chicho in that I believe he really needs to address the trauma of your A before he can work on pre-A issues.

I agree with Chicho, though, in that pre-A issues need to be resolved to make R worth the effort. Both of you need to have your issues heard, acknowledged and resolved.

If he's not communicating, MC seems like a good way to start.

IRN2006 posted 9/23/2013 23:57 PM

BH does not seem to "know" if my A was a dealbreaker. Is that possible at 4 years out?

We're 6.5 years out, and I'm still not certain if my DH's SA is a deal breaker...

I still go through periods where I'm not interested in being vulnerable in my marriage. Unfortunately, this is a consequence of his behavior. For better or worse. We have been through this enough times to know eventually I work through it and I'm willing to be vulnerable again.

I've done the work on myself. I'm now mentally/emotionally sound. Have been for several years. I've forgiven my H.

My H has also done his work. He's been sober/in recovery with no slips/relapses since March of 2007.

We have a very easy marriage now. (Our marriage wasn't terrible before, if you ignore the behavior stemming from his addiction.) We rarely disagree on anything.

We have done everything "right" for the most part. That still doesn't stop the panic attacks I get when I get triggered (started to get one tonight, actually.) And there is NOTHING left for my DH to do to try and comfort me.

I stay, because it still is a good life. I don't stay for the kids only. But, they are part a reason I do stay. My DH and I do make an awesome team, frankly. What we achieve together is much greater than would we could achieve if we weren't together.

soconfusednow posted 9/24/2013 08:40 AM

BH does not seem to "know" if my A was a dealbreaker. Is that possible at 4 years out?

Once that trust has been broken you never completely get it back. For me(BW) it's hard to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

I want to be with my WH, but find it hard to believe he truly wants me and only me. Until I'm sure of that the dealbreaker question will always be there.

blakesteele posted 9/24/2013 08:44 AM

For me, I absolutely had to deal with the A before anything else. Initially I tried to do what Chico subscribes on both the A trauma and pre-A did not work for me.

As Einstein said...the best way to accomplish many things is to do one thing at a time.

About 8 months out I can confidently say I was working very hard on myself and my role in pre-A marital issues....this was the point at which I had processed the A enough to work on other things.

I guess this is where I differ from Einstein. I think he means to do one thing to completion. Trauma from an A...just don't know what "completion" looks like really. For me, I finally got to the point where the fact the A happened no longer "shocked" me, I had tons of details (no timeline from my wife, but had tons of questions answered), calmly realized that the A was NOT about me, and that my wife was working on herself. This is how I was able to work on pre-A marital issues.

Had those things not lined up for me, I don't believe pre-A marital issues could have been tackled by me.

It sounds like you have done your role. I am not sure if your husband is a member on here, so I don't know his journey. By your post it sounds as if he is not processing through the trauma your affair caused him.

The reality is we can only change ourselves.

I wanted to change...but even that was not enough for change to happen. It was the first step...but many others followed to make change a reality. Reading, praying and a relationship with God, professional counseling all helped me change myself. The remorse and change I noticed in my wife has given me hope for our marriage....but that did not change me...still critical for our marriage to R though, so dont want to discount the role fWS have in a BH journey.

I wondered if the A was a deal breaker for me many many times. I am just over 1 year out.

I don't believe the A was a deal breaker for me. Does that mean we will have a perfect marriage? that our marriage will survive? No.

What it does mean is what Chico stated...that neither of us has any desire to return to our old marriage...the marriage my wifes A successfully killed. I no longer grieve that loss...I did grieve it at first. That grief has been replaced by hope of a better relationship with my wife.

To do this I must do my part in addressing my role in our pre-A marital issues.

In so many ways my wife and I are a good team...but we have missed that "oneness" which is the critical part of a marriage. We missed it through our actions...actions we thought we were taking to avoid the marriage we saw our parents had....thus our FOO issues need addressed.

This is tough work.

Professional counseling was a key part of your husband seeking IC?

God be with us all.

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