For me, I absolutely had to deal with the A before anything else. Initially I tried to do what Chico subscribes to....work on both the A trauma and pre-A issues....it did not work for me.
As Einstein said...the best way to accomplish many things is to do one thing at a time.
About 8 months out I can confidently say I was working very hard on myself and my role in pre-A marital issues....this was the point at which I had processed the A enough to work on other things.
I guess this is where I differ from Einstein. I think he means to do one thing to completion. Trauma from an A...just don't know what "completion" looks like really. For me, I finally got to the point where the fact the A happened no longer "shocked" me, I had tons of details (no timeline from my wife, but had tons of questions answered), calmly realized that the A was NOT about me, and that my wife was working on herself. This is how I was able to work on pre-A marital issues.
Had those things not lined up for me, I don't believe pre-A marital issues could have been tackled by me.
It sounds like you have done your role. I am not sure if your husband is a member on here, so I don't know his journey. By your post it sounds as if he is not processing through the trauma your affair caused him.
The reality is we can only change ourselves.
I wanted to change...but even that was not enough for change to happen. It was the first step...but many others followed to make change a reality. Reading, praying and a relationship with God, professional counseling all helped me change myself. The remorse and change I noticed in my wife has given me hope for our marriage....but that did not change me...still critical for our marriage to R though, so dont want to discount the role fWS have in a BH journey.
I wondered if the A was a deal breaker for me many many times. I am just over 1 year out.
I don't believe the A was a deal breaker for me. Does that mean we will have a perfect marriage? that our marriage will survive? No.
What it does mean is what Chico stated...that neither of us has any desire to return to our old marriage...the marriage my wifes A successfully killed. I no longer grieve that loss...I did grieve it at first. That grief has been replaced by hope of a better relationship with my wife.
To do this I must do my part in addressing my role in our pre-A marital issues.
In so many ways my wife and I are a good team...but we have missed that "oneness" which is the critical part of a marriage. We missed it through our actions...actions we thought we were taking to avoid the marriage we saw our parents had....thus our FOO issues need addressed.
This is tough work.
Professional counseling was a key part of this...is your husband seeking IC?
God be with us all.