SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

whatamidoing posted 9/21/2013 06:48 AM

I hate myself for still being stuck
I have done many things to move on like throw him out of the house (June 2012) file for separation (July 2012) separated my finances (Aug 2012)
file for divorce (aug 2013) Mark return to sender on STBXWH's mail(sept 2013)
I have set many deadlines and boundaries I believe are reasonable then I don't follow through
I go to IC about once every 6 weeks and although it's nice to talk I am not sure I am progressing but the IC says I am ( I think it is an illusion)

I work with STBXWH closely and would not be except for some lies
he promised me he would not be with OW or he would leave our town. he was offered a few good jobs but he didn't take any of them. One was in the OWs home town. he promised me there was nothing more important than working with me and fixing our family. and although I am pretty sure he can't or won't fix anything the hope of it makes me feel better instantly like a drug. I am not able to get anouther job till aug now. in my field you work contracts sept till aug and I am stuck
he tells me it's going to be ok
while he is living with / dating /
he says he is done with her
he says he will make it ok
I doesn't prove it ever
I keep contacting OW to find out her story
I keep waitng for his story to be true
I am sick of this
I am currently at a conference where he is getting an award for our work (hurtful) and he didn't even tell me he was goin to anouther province to their conference with OW
I am embarrassed to be here
I am embarrassed for people to know
it hurts he choose her over me
why
he is such a bad person why do I keep thinking their is some human inside his crunchy monster shell?
why do I care
why don't I move on
I have not had sex in almost a year and I don't even care to fix that
I just want everything I lost back
I don't want this new reality
I hate it
it won't get better and I don't know a way out that doesn't include bankrupcy
he keeps doing these cruel things then getting caught then ignoring me for as long as he can then saying how sorry he is and a bunch of words

this pattern keeps happening cause I let it

I don't know why I can't see that he loves her even though he tells me he doesn't
he only hides it from me and my daughter everyone else he is open with
am I that messed up that he thinks he needs to lie
I said I would try to make it all work even though I didn't want it and he said no need he was fixing everything

well I am alone trying to find a way out of this hotel so I won't be seen and he is screwing captain herpes at a resort
I am tiered of this
I want to act better but maybe I am just not equipped
each time I start to follow through I feel ashamed and guilty that I am being vengeful
I still have his stuff in my house
I still cover up his lies at work
I have not done anything about his debt to me or the fact he just skips visitation without notice
I want a normal peaceful life
now
I know I am rediculous and pathetic
grow up I tell myself as I punish myself with. more pain to make the pain in my heart ease
I know I just need to 180
I just don't seem to be able to do it
thanks for listening

LadyQ posted 9/21/2013 06:54 AM

Sorry you're hurting. The whole situation sucks.

nomistakeaboutit posted 9/21/2013 07:23 AM

I'm sorry for your pain.

Fwiw, your H doesn't seem like such a nice person. You said in your profile that he was in many ways good, but had honesty issues and no moral compass. I just wanted to add two. He has also been a horrible father and husband.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 8:14 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

whatamidoing posted 9/21/2013 08:44 AM

Thanks
I know there is nothing to say but sorry for your luck! I know there is nothing to do except stop letting it happened!
I left the conference this am... I just could not feel like second best today. I dove home and got disapproval from my mother who thinks I should just be over it... he is an ass move on.
She makes me very aware that I am pathetic (like I need a reminder)
I know no one who could be this bad for this long could ever be a human I would be interested in so why do I can if he is honest with me or where he is?
I know he is a negative influence on his kids
Where is the line between assertion and aggression...
Any of his possessions he has I moved out for him... he never picked up one thing from the house. I have given written notice at least twice to do so... I don't want to spend a day moving his stuff for him, I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if today is the day I come home to empty rooms, I don't want to wait.
I don't want to keep seeing his mail
I don't want to see him
I thought if he would just be honest I could work with whatever that honesty was...
maybe he is right to keep fooling me? Its the only time when I feel peace, when I think things might be ok. Hope is my drug.
11 months of this
How fun would it be to work and raise kids with someone who you are 180 ing for 11 months?
Why can't I just be nice and have fun and just forget he betrayed me and lied to me and that he is with the OW that helped him do it
Why does it matter
Why can't I just be happy
It has been years since I knew something was wrong and we needed an intervention
It has been over 15 months since DD
He is actively dating the OW whether he admits it or now
He is here in town
I am here in town for at least 11 more months
If I want to make the best of it... what is the best?
I can't do this
I am furious and hurt
I want to call him a name every time I see him
I want to scratch his car and call his family and out the OW
But it is all too late for any one to care
Now I look like the stalking crazy XW!
I am not sure where to turn
Cause I have been so stupid to be here
I should have left
I should never have believed him
this should have been over June 2012
I hate being a disappointment to my parents to my kids and to myself

nomistakeaboutit posted 9/21/2013 08:56 AM

WAID,

It sounds like "hope" is your drug, as you said. Maybe the time will come when you can start hoping for new things, like:

Hope...

...to show your children that there are levels of disrespect that are not to be accepted

...for a better future without the weight of your H and his GF staring you in the face

...for the chance to rebuild, one brick at a time.

...to slowly start to feel emotionally healthier, one bit at a time.

...and a lot more.

This is my hope for you.

whatamidoing posted 9/21/2013 09:07 AM

thanks that is beautiful
I just have to hope for better things
I do love hope
I had been working on living in the now and not past or future
but my now sucks so that was not helping
I will try better hope
have a good weekend

freshstart78 posted 9/21/2013 09:20 AM

Don't be hard on yourself. Its hard to stop having feelings for the person you remember.....even when they continue to hurt and lie to you. My DD was over 2 yrs ago....I have been separated over a year and now almost divorced....I still struggle with my emotions and feelings. I still break down and cry. There are some days I feel like I will never be happy again. People tell me too that I should be over him and what a jerk he is. I know this but it still makes me angery people think its that easy....its not. I miss who I thought he was....our future dreams...I know in my heart I could never ever ever trust him again with my heart. I know this is for the better. I know someday it wont feel like this anymore .....but I'm just not all the way there yet...and its hard sometimes for me to remember that its ok....I will be ok..and you will too. Keep up as much NC as you can...if u mess up, get back on it as soon as possible. 180 the heck out of him. Its hard but I noticed after a period of time I feel better knowing I don't have to talk to him. I don't answer his texts that are asking me how I am...lets face it..he really doesn't care. I made boundaries ....which include him not welcomed in my home. When he picks up my 15 yr old she will go out to him....he no longer can come in my home. Its because when I allowed him to come in and hang out it made me uncomfortable ......but I always ignored my feelings and allowed it so I didn't rock the boat with him.....then I said to myself .....effe this guy...he doesn't give 2 shots on how I feel about anything....why do I care about his feelings. When I told him the new rule he was shocked...he is so self centered he only cares about his crap. I don't care anymore. Its time to think of you.....do what u need to do for you. He is always going to disappoint you and run all over you..if you let him.STOP.....when you feel sad remember every hurtful selfish, selfcentered thing he has done and said to you......it takes time....a lot of time to stop loving someone and caring for someone you loved and trusted with ur heart. Don't beat yourself up. You will be whole and happy someday soon.

osxgirl posted 9/21/2013 09:30 AM

whatamidoing -

This is NOT easy, and anyone who hasn't gone through it doesn't understand. Sometimes, even some of the ones who have gone through it forget how hard it was.

Plus, everyone has their own way and own timetable for grieving.

So try to ignore when your mom or anyone else tells you you should be over it. Know that it is likely because they see you hurting, they love you, and they just want the hurt to stop for you.

And there is nothing to be embarrassed about. You aren't the problem. He is broken. He is the one who has done this. You are the one dealing with the aftermath.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Having said all that, I'm going to give you a gentle nudge.

First - your IC says you are making progress, yet you don't feel like that's true. That is exactly what you should be telling the IC.

How much DO you tell the IC? If you aren't getting it all out, your IC may not be able to help you as much. If you haven't been telling her(him) everything you have written here, think about printing out this thread and taking it in to your next session. Write down all the bad things you are feeling, and take them with you. Then, if you need to, you can just read it to the IC.

Has there been any discussion of ADs? If not, bring that up with your IC and see what he/she thinks. There's no shame in using them, and it wouldn't necessarily be for long. Some people need them to get through some of the harder parts of this stuff. Honestly, when I went through my S and D, the first time I saw my primary physician after it all started, he asked how I was, and I lost it. And once he heard what was going on, his first question was if I wanted ADs. I took them for a while, but eventually I knew I didn't need them anymore.

Another question is this: is every 6 weeks for the IC the most you can do? If you can do more frequently, maybe you should think about that too.

Also, remember - there will be good days and bad days. The unfortunate thing about the bad days is that it's hard to even remember that there WERE any good days. You are convinced there will never be any good days again. If those feelings are overwhelming or too frequent, that's probably a sign you could use ADs to help you through for a while.

But you WILL have good days again.

----

And if bankruptcy is what you need to do, then do it. Plenty have, and you come back from that too.

----

More than anything, though, it sounds to me like you really, really need to go NC. Contacting the OW, knowing all this that is going on with him, letting him continually give you false hope - all of that makes it not just difficult, but impossible for you to get out of this mind frame where all you can see is what you have lost, and not all that you could have ahead of you.

You sound like you are doing mostly the right things. You just need to get your mind to follow. Part of that is quitting the "fix" of knowing what's going on with him, with the OW, and of letting him continually give you false hope.

Someone who is a "good man" doesn't do this. He might have been a good man once, and maybe, if he ever pulls his head out of his a$$, he might be again. But he also might not. Right now, and possibly forevermore, he is a complete a$$hole who is taking advantage of you to stroke his own ego and to keep a fallback position.

Don't give it to him anymore.

You'll have times you slip, where you'll contact him, or seek out what is going on with him/OW. When it happens, you just need to get back up, and go back to NC.

I know with kids you can't completely NC, but contact really needs to be limited to things about the D and stuff about the kids - and even with that, only what absolutely needs to be shared so you can both do your jobs as parents.

Do you have a friend that could help? Or maybe your mom (depending on what your relationship with her is like)? Someone who can help screen your contact with him? Because you should, as much as possible, make any contact necessary through e-mail. It gives you a record of everything going on going through the D. And then, if you can, have a friend/your mom look at the emails first, and screen out anything not necessary. They can just tell you when necessary that you need to re-iterate with him that contact is business only, nothing personal.

I know this has been a long post - I hope some of it will help.

Just remember, more than anything, that you can and will get through this. Things will get better. And do your best to stop following what is going on in his life, and instead work on you.

It sounds to me like he has done a real number on your self-esteem. That's what you need to work on. Realizing that the stuff he has done and is doing has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the kind of person he is.

Take care....

realitybites posted 9/21/2013 11:12 AM

I know this is hard. I remember how hard it was.

But I do know that when I FINALLY TRULY went NC. And I mean real NC it all started to get better day by day. The little bits you let him talk to you or email you or text you are killing you right now. It extends all of it and never lets you heal.

As hard as this sounds you need to stop all contact. You need to stop looking at FB or Twitter or any social networks you might use, it all keeps you in the loop of pain where there is no way out. One day at a time. Find ways to keep busy, put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time you feel that rush to check in on either one of them. If he texts or emails or calls you just DELETE it.

You can do this.

realitybites posted 9/21/2013 11:21 AM

And another thing....I think the 180 and true NC are 2 different things. Trying to do the 180 in your sitch is not working for you.

I think you need to do a hard NC. Nothing, no contact at all. You need to go cold turkey and really cut yourself off from your dependency to see or hear from him.

Again I know its hard, its really hard. But this is what is keeping you in your own personal limbo.

uncertainone posted 9/21/2013 13:28 PM

Definition of hope: A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Definition of delusion: An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally excepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder.

Forget the mental disorder part. I think quite a few very normal individuals confuse hope and delusion all the time.

It's one thing to want something to happen and be disappointed and hurt when it doesn't. It's something else to continue to want that in the face of the exact opposite happening daily right before our eyes.

Forget your parents and kids views of you. Forget your co-workers views of you. You are in pain. You cannot detach while at the same time holding on with a white knuckled grip.

Seperation is the key to recovery. Getting him out of your life as much as possible. All his stuff. His presence in your home. As much distance as possible at work while working toward a different assignment as far away as you can get.

No deadlines. No boundaries for him to blow past. Basically no him. It's a skill but you can learn this. I can get to the point where someone is actually damn near invisible to me. Seriously. You simply erase them from your existance. He needs to vanish from any aspect of your life but the small areas he needs to be a part of like parenting.

Don't entertain others judgements of how you should feel. They are not qualified to give those assessments. Only you are. You're the expert of you. All others are rank amatures so irrelevent.

whatamidoing posted 9/21/2013 13:40 PM

your right I am dillusional!
gosh I am so much on the path of healing when he is gone but I see him and I run back to dillusion
thanks
that is helpful
I will try some of these tactics and keep plugging away

on a logistics point of view
how to you get professional issues heard without it looking like jealous sour grapes?

how do you get family boundaries and logistics looked after without it being personal?

I always struggle and then don't do anything cause I am afraid of looking like I am bitter so instead I let him get away with unacceptable behavior

uncertainone posted 9/21/2013 13:46 PM

how to you get professional issues heard without it looking like jealous sour grapes?

how do you get family boundaries and logistics looked after without it being personal?

You state the facts. Just the facts and just when necessary.

Family boundaries and logistics ARE personal and that's perfectly ok. Those are just the people that can, even though sometimes lovingly, be so ham handed and careless when they poke around in our very fragile internal lives. So you lovingly and firmly guide them out and maintain that "child" gate. They don't belong near priceless treasures until they've proven they have the proper respect.

One very important thing to remember. Do NOT allow their boo boo owied feelings at the change be translated to your guilt and shame. Change is tough for everyone and they need some time to adjust, but adjust they will or they don't get to be close. Again, not your issue and don't let it become your issue.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 1:48 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]