So sorry you are here, Sadgirl.
My SAWH had an affair for 2.5 years. I missed a lot of signs it was going on because I too was trusting.To my detriment, I was a self sufficient, low maintenance, "cool wife." I look back and I think, "wow, I really was oblivious." For me it was a combination of a certain level of denial mixed with being entirely trusting. I just never thought my H had it in him, despite many "classic" signs. My friends are shocked that he - out of all of the men we know - did this. More proof that it's always the ones you least suspect because they just have everyone fooled. I overlooked so much stuff, such as:
- A stray woman's sock showing up in our laundry (I thought it must belong to a college aged sitter who did laundry when she was sitting one night...I asked them and no one claimed it...I dismissed it nonetheless thinking maybe it was their roommate's and they just did not recognize it or something).
- my H insisting on switching his cellphone service, which was in my name, to his name for tax reasons (we used to have the same service but I got an iPhone and he stayed with the original carrier). I got a very bad feeling about it yet I did nothing to question it further.
- business dinners EVERY week on a particular day - and the nights kept getting later and later. 11 pm, 1 pm, 4 am. Especially towards the end.
- Spur of the moment trip related to a start up in which he was involved.
- lashing out at me for no reason. Once, when I asked him why he hadn't left his car in the city and taken a cab (I was worried about him driving while drunk) instead he went berzerk and told me he hates taking cabs to our town from the city because they charge fare and a half.
- going out with his friend "X" regularly on the weekends. It was just puzzling that all of a sudden he wanted to hang out with this guy so often. But whatever, they were old friends and my H always was one to hang out with his guy friends. I never questioned it.
- me asking him about 9 months into the A if he was having and A/seeing someone. He totally denied it. I don't know why but I just sensed something was up. And I continued to ignore my gut.
I have all of the texts from the nearly 3 year period this was all happening.It's crazy making. When I read all of them in a row now, it's like "DUH! He's having an affair." Of course it makes perfect sense to you NOW. But when you are in the thick of life, you have so many distractions and you just dismiss things because if you spent time analyzing every nuance you would make yourself crazy. Instead, like many people, you are just probably trying to get through the day. By the end, I was unraveling and so was he...as he puts it he was a runaway train. He was having a secret life and it was catching up to him. He was bloated and puffy from so much drinking and carousing. Acting like a single 30 yo will catch up to you.
A couple of things I have learned in going through this and I will share with you. I have a close friend from college who had an affair over a decade ago with her married boss for about a year. I asked her about this after she brought it up recently when we were on vacation. The net of it: It definitely doesn't sound as glamourous as one might imagine an affair to be.They did not set out to deliberately hurt anyone. She and the Married Man were just completely selfish. They were not thinking of anyone but themselves. At first it was fun to be sneaking around. and then it became tiresome and a lot of work to make up work related excuses to see one another. They would just hang out at her apartment because they could not risk being seen together. No one knew about the A except her sister, so it was lonely and isolating for her. After a year, my friend broke it off because she knew she wanted more and it wasn't possible. She later found out that the wife was becoming suspicious. She now says she would never do something like that, especially now that she knows how devastating that is to someone's family whether they know about the A or not.
It does infiltrate into their family life in one way or another, no matter how much they try to keep it together. It was really affecting my kids and in the months leading up to discovery, I was barely getting out of bed in the morning, definitely going back to bed frequently during the day, becoming very forgetful and missing appointments...things that are totally out of character for me. My close friends were really worried about me. I was becoming suspicious and then some information presented itself and instantly, I knew exactly who it was. I was really shocked about how long it had gone on. But then everything I'd brushed off suddenly made sense.
I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you will find that you are not the only one. I have found great comfort in the Long Term Affair thread in the I Can Relate section of the forums. So many people who like us were very trusting and totally blindsided.
One struggle I have had is the betrayal and layers of deceit. For my SAWH, his A was a fantasy life. He enjoyed this "perfect" fantasy world of younger woman with a great figure and a penchant for fun and partying, boozing, and all the sex that goes with that (the younger generation of women seem to love porn and sex as much as men do - all the sexting, dirty talk, etc. Astounding). No responsibility because I was at home taking care of all of that. I am pretty sure their connection was mainly a physical one and their relationship did not have any deep meaning...she was his person of addiction (in other words his drug). So the fact he had this sexual relationship is something I can get over more easily than the lying and years of emotional abuse I have endured in this marriage. You may find the same struggle in the months to come.
Finally, I want to encourage you to take care of yourself. You mention in your post that you work, you take care of his mother and you also have a child. Start putting yourself first. Create some boundaries about all of this and expectations of your husband and begin making time for yourself, your needs and interests. Take a class. Get your nails/hair done more often. Schedule monthly massages/facials. That's right...indulge. No one else is going to take care of YOU but YOU. Sad but true. So get started NOW.