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de.va.sta.ted (original poster member #22922) posted at 3:38 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2013
I came to SI 4 years ago. Healing is not linear. Most of the time I'm fine, and don't think much about the cheating. But I've started a FT job, and we are in the same field and it's been triggering a lot of uncomfortable feelings. I fucking hate it. Even though I know *I* haven't done anything wrong, it feels humiliating to me.
The good part is I have the freedom to leave anytime I want to. Leaving would have financially ruined me/us before. Now it would be a big step backwards, but I could make an ok life for myself. I'm not on the cusp of leaving or anything, but I have to say it makes me feel like I'm in a position of strength. And should he give cheating another go, I would leave in a heartbeat. I don't think he will... but obviously I've been naive before. If another affair comes to light from the past, that he didn't divulge, I think I'd leave then too.
I'm feeling really down today. 
Me: BW Him: WH D-Day 1: February 2009 D-Day 2: April 2018 Divorced!
GraceisGood ( member #17686) posted at 3:48 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2013
(((((de.va.sta.ted))))
sorry you are feeling down.
Congrats on the job and feeling the ability to leave and be able to take care of yourself if you needed. I understand how that feels, but the sadness that is the other side of the coin as to why one needs to be able to "take care of themselves", just in case.
Grace
We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF
whatnow8 ( member #36576) posted at 4:14 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2013
(((de.va.sta.ted)))
Sorry you are having a difficult time lately.
wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18
It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 4:59 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2013
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
de.va.sta.ted (original poster member #22922) posted at 5:13 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2013
Thanks. I am grateful for being heard here, it's really a comfort to know I'm not alone with these issues.
When I am feeling really down like this, I tend to want to blame FWH for ruining everything ... and it's not helpful. I mean, what he did was really really awful and mean. But we're here now, and I need to refocus on myself. What am I doing to heal? Right now, not much, just licking my old wounds.
I am trying to keep my "self-talk" positive, reminding myself that what others think of me is none of my business (don't know why but this helps me :) and also keep telling myself that *I* am responsible for my happiness.
I don't want to connect with him emotionally when I'm feeling this way, but I probably should try. This stuff isn't easy, nor is it for the faint at heart, is it?
Me: BW Him: WH D-Day 1: February 2009 D-Day 2: April 2018 Divorced!
jo2love ( member #31528) posted at 7:22 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2013
(((de.va.sta.ted)))
I agree. There is nothing easy about this. Please be gentle with yourself. Leaning on your WH may help strengthen your bond. Sending you strength and hope for better days.
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