I was responding to Inca's earlier thread about flirting but it turned into a thread jack.
My FWH was/is/has always been a flirt. I used to think that it was harmless, like so many others.
We are now recovering from a 4 year LTA and I have been going back and reading his FB private messages. He was in school at the time...went back to change careers in his 30's.. There were A LOT of messages to and from female classmates discussing getting lunch or grabbing a drink to "catch up". When classes would end for a semester, there would be several messages to females with the same line, "I miss your smiling face. Hope you are well. We should catch up sometime soon. Take Care"
We stayed up til 3am on Wednesday night discussing his boundaries and my issues with how he feels the need to be validated by other women...searches for it. He justifies his actions..just friends...just joking around. But the truth is that I feel like he is always "fishing." Seeing who might be interested. For a long time, I think it was enough just to see who was interested..it stroked his ego.
He agreed to work on himself and figure out why he tries to make it ok with himself..justifies it. He can see why it is wrong after the fact, but feels it is harmless when it is taking place.
Thursday night he went back to work and Friday morning, when he came home, I checked his phone and there was a text thread from a female co-worker (they work in a hospital):
FWH: Where you at? My patient needs_________.
CW: Who is this?
FWH: WHAT? you don't know who I am? I'm hurt.
CW: Ha Ha sorry. broke my phone. got a new one. guess I haven't worked with you in while. didn't have your number in contacts. and...
I want to know you
FWH: N E Time
So, I confronted him. He said, we were just cutting up.. it didn't mean anything. There is no attraction between us.
And then he drops this bomb.. "If I had thought anything of it...I would have deleted it."
OMG! Really? That makes me feel so much better. idiot.
I think that it is so deeply ingrained that he needs this validation and attention that he can't even see the line he crosses and how dangerous it is. I don't know how much more I can take.
Our MC referred him to an IC and he is supposed to be making himself an appointment. If he doesn't follow through I think it will be my deal breaker.
OW had a baby. We do not know if my H is the father.
Together: 16 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 11, 6, 3
Limbo 2 + years after dday