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Happiness in her future? Or mine?

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Running the Race posted 9/21/2013 14:25 PM

I think it's natural to think a lot about what will transpire in the ex life. I find myself going over scenario after scenario. My question is, what are the chances that my exw finds happiness?
I know this is not a "healthy" post, but it does cloud my thoughts. My exw has an at best, average job. She has,like me, three small children.
Unlike me, she rents. She has always struggled with managing bills.
She doesn't make good money, she has lousy medical/dental benefits. Her time is more limited than mine (my job gives me more freedom).
Her family is spread out all over the world map, she has friends, but while we were married there was always issues with her friends and some "drama". They all have families too. She is turning 37, which isn't really old, but let's face it, she's not a youth anymore.

With that in mind, I find myself painting this picture of her having the best life ever. Meeting a guy, "Mr. Perfect", and just having it all.

But when I really sit and reason it out, at least on paper, or just use logic no emotions, my life seems to offer more possibilities. I'm more financially stable, more family close by, my friends and I always get a long, I am more available for activities with the kids.

I just want to know other people perspectives on this. I know the situation I described to some of you will have similarities in it. Am I just beating myself up painting this untrue situation of hers? Any women in this or lived through a similar situation, did you find happiness? Or mr. Right? Any guys who had a situation like this and know their ex life is unfulfilling.
I need to throw out a disclaimer, I never hit my exw, I am not a drug addict or alcoholic, I cared about her during our marriage, I just didn't trust her after,the multiple EAs.

I just retread this post, the bottom line is its difficult in many ways to think that she can and will do better than the life I tried to provide. Deep down, I want her to feel it was a mistake. I know, this is not a good way to think, but I have lots of unhealthy and degrading thoughts about myself these days.

dbellanon posted 9/21/2013 15:15 PM

First, the obvious. You seem to realize that putting emotional investment into your ex wife's happiness isn't healthy. Somehow, you need to reach a point where you don't care if she's happy or not, where you live your life without thinking much about her at all.

That being said, you seem to be thinking about her happiness (and perhaps your own?) in terms of externalities, things like her job and her income, her prospects and possibilities. I would say that the biggest barriers in the way of a WS finding happiness are the internal issues that led to the affair in the first place.

It's her psychology more than anything else that will determine her happiness. The same goes for you. I would hope that, having remained faithful to your marriage, your soul is, in some sense, more intact than hers, that you are ultimately more stable and well-adjusted. This is your best asset, not your house, or your job, or even your family (though those things are definitely augur well for your future).

And who knows? What if she is happy? You'll probably chafe at the injustice of it (I know I would), but at the end of the day, you can't allow her happiness or unhappiness to stand in the way of yours.

gma56 posted 9/21/2013 15:32 PM

Will she be truly happy in the future ? Maybe. I would want her to be happy and secure for no other reason but for the kids. If she remarried, hopefully to someone kind to the kids, if single give her time to the kids when she has them.

Years ago after my 1st D, I just wanted XH to find someone that loved my DD. DD deserved that since her parents were no longer together. We were D because of his infidelity.
He went out with many women that would have been horrible to DD but the woman he finally M was so supportive and loving to her. I never had a feeling she wanted to replace me, she want DD to be everything she could possibly be. I really couldn't ask for more.
If he had chosen someone awful to DD, Mama bear would have been ready to whatever to protect DD.

I hope you XW does fix herself and has a good life but I hope you to have double for your trouble after dealing with infidelity and D.
Hugs,It's not who can have a better life, it about you finding happiness in your own life after the shitstorm. That is the sweetest revenge.

[This message edited by gma56 at 3:33 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Running the Race posted 9/21/2013 15:58 PM

Thanks, you both make really good points. I guess I haven't grown to that place just yet.

Gemini71 posted 9/21/2013 16:07 PM

I really don't see your XW having a better life in the future. I firmly believe that WSs cheat because of some deficiency in their emotional makeup. They certainly lack empathy and loyalty. Unless a WS does A LOT of work and changing themselves, these flaws will still be there in any future relationships they have. Even if her "Mr. Perfect" comes along, she will probably mess it up, like she did your M.

Instead, focus on yourself. You're already ahead of your XW in that you have the strength of character to survive the special hell of being a BS. When you find your "Ms Perfect-For-Your", you will have the emotional tools to make it work.

EasyDoesIt posted 9/21/2013 16:28 PM

This is an interesting thread to me. You have to understand that I heard almost all of my ex-spousal unit's conversations for about a year prior to filing for divorce via VARs in his car and all over our house.

Oh, if only he didn't have me he would have been so happy. Blah blah blah. Last night I was perusing You Tube and saw a video about what life is really like for the truckers who go to North Dakota to haul oil and get rich quick. It's miserable. He's a beach person now living in his vehicle in ND. He drives miles and miles down dirt roads to get oil and then miles and miles back down dirt roads to drop it off. The roads are frequently covered in ice, snow, mud, etc. When it's cold, it's REALLY freaking cold. There aren't places for the drivers to stay. He can't shower more than twice a week, he's crapping behind a bush out in the middle of nowhere probably getting frostbite on his balls.

I didn't wish this on him, he wished it on himself by his actions. She isn't likely to meet Mr. Right and live happily ever after. I'm not saying that it will never happen, but it is unlikely. A smart, successful man won't want a woman like that.

laney57 posted 9/21/2013 17:37 PM

I don't have any wise words any better than those above, but I find myself thinking exactly the same thing about WH and his future. He can be so charming (stayed for 22). I just remind myself of "PASS" quote about the WS not being good enough for US. It somehow separates him as a person and me as a person. We are not one anymore, so it shouldn't matter. I will try to find the exact wording. You're not alone though and we will all get there!

kernel posted 9/21/2013 18:15 PM

I agree with others here that you need more time to get to the point where her life, her future just doesn't matter to you, except where it affects your kids. Try to re-focus your thoughts when you find yourself wandering down that path and focus on YOU. What can you do for yourself and your life in those moments? Try to stop giving her space in your head. Eventually it becomes a habit and you'll find those thoughts becoming more and more rare. ((Running))

SBB posted 9/21/2013 19:08 PM

Ironically the sad clown voiced these same thoughts to me during False R. I know that no matter how many years pass he will never stop feeling this way. Not because I am so awesome (I am) but because - well, his happiness is not internal, not within him. It is external. This is precisely why I call him the sad clown.

These are pretty normal thoughts in the beginning. It is something you'll work on as you head towards indifference. As you head towards finding happiness within yourself rather than externally.

My happiness is no longer tied to his happiness or unhappiness. I'm not waiting for the karma bus - he has already had a fatal karma blow in losing me. He may never realise it and he certainly will never admit it to anyone but it is true.

I don't think he'll ever be happy. He will marry several times, he will most likely have more children - it will all look 'happy' on the outside but then again the M did too and it was anything but happy.

Changing the players does not change the game.

I do still hope that he fixes WTF-ever is wrong with him so my girls don't have to keep getting stuck in the revolving door he calls his love life. But even that is not tied to my happiness. Whilst he models love addiction for them I hope to model a healthy relationship, from the inside as well as the outside. Even if it is only with myself, them and those around us.

The way I see it I could be in a relationship that appears 'happy' tomorrow if I really wanted to. I've had many opportunities to do just that but I don't want a WH2 nor to become a WW myself. I'm holding out for a relationship that is happy from the inside and right now I'm not healthy enough for that. This has nothing to do with how happy or unhappy the sad clown appears to be. Right now I'm happy - happier than I've been in years. I'm still grieving, healing and growing. That's always a better place to be than just looking happy from the outside.

phmh posted 9/21/2013 20:23 PM

If you work through all of this, there will be happiness in your future...and when you find it, that's all that matters.

That being said, I know how you feel. I remember being in my IC's office and bemoaning how unfair it all was. I worked so hard to pay for his medical school, and just when I'm losing my job (which I thought had been perfect timing since we had an agreement that I no longer needed to work a demanding corporate job after he was done with fellowship and was working full-time as a doctor.)

The job I most likely would get would pay way less than the job I had when I paid for his med school. He was sleeping with a co-fellow, which meant they each would be making well over $200k in less than a year -- so he gets to go to a household of $400k and I'm making way, way less than that.

My IC looked at me and said, "I'd so much rather be in your position than his."

And you know what? She's right. Almost all of our cheaters are incapable of true happiness. Can you imagine having to live with yourself, knowing that you were a cheater and a liar? I couldn't do it -- and the reason they can is because they are lacking.

You're not to indifference, yet. But if you work on yourself, you will get there, and then it really doesn't matter. I really don't care what my XWH's life is like. I doubt he's happy as he keeps asking me to send him naked pictures of myself, but I just pity him. I find no joy in his ridiculous existence. He had an amazing wife; an amazing life. He threw it all away.

They say the best revenge is a life well-lived, and I truly believe it. My life is now amazing, and I don't even care if he knows it (which is where the revenge would come in.) Because it doesn't matter.

Gr8Lady posted 9/22/2013 14:46 PM

The dating scene at its best is not as desirable as one would think. Three children, lets face it is considered baggage and will be a turn off. Will Prince Charming ride in and rescue her? Doubtful. Can she find a nice family oriented man, possibly. Time will tell. Every relationship has problems and issues. Trading one relationship for a new one has one huge factor...the blended family. Her children will never be treated the same as his own, or their child should they proceed that route.
You may have more options, but is the new women looking for true honest love or financial stability...and you fit the requirement. I see older men with young women that wouldn't give them the time of day, if not for the fact the man is successful (or appears so from her observation)
It's not that easy to start over, believe me.

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