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How long did you wait?

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gypsybird87 posted 9/21/2013 18:40 PM

Hi all,

I haven't posted in this forum before, but I have peeked in and read a few posts from time to time. I'm not sure I feel ready to be here yet. Sometimes I feel really good, hopeful, empowered, and positive about the future. Other times it seems like the tiniest thing throws me right back to square one.

So here's my question: how long did you wait before trying, even casually, to start dating? How long before you joined a single meet-up group, or did a profile, etc?

I don't feel ready for anything emotionally deep, I'm still too raw for that. Nor do I want something shallow and simply sexual.

I guess I don't know what I want.

I just miss hugs, I miss holding hands. I miss having someone to go out and simply do things with. I miss kissing. And I hate the fact that the last person who kissed me was him, just a few days before D-day, when he left to go to a convention in Las Vegas, a trip I now believe she accompanied him on.

In reading back over this post so far, maybe what I'm asking for here is affirmation of what I probably already know, that I'm not ready to date, even casually. But I'm still curious how long you all waited, how you knew you were ready, and how you handled some of these feelings in the meantime.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 6:41 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

h0peless posted 9/21/2013 19:06 PM

It's been a year and almost two months since Dday for me and I'm still not ready. Maybe I will be someday but for now, I'm happy being single.

phmh posted 9/21/2013 19:23 PM

As you said, you don't sound ready. I first started looking to date about 10 months after D-Day (5 months after my divorce was final.) I wasn't ready, though I tried for a few months. Then I took 6 months off. I believe I was actually ready about a year and a half after D-Day, which would have been a little more than a year after the divorce was final.

Pretty much everyone dates too quickly, thinks it doesn't apply to them, and then comes back later and says they dated too quickly!

Just remember that broken attracts broken -- if you are not in a good place emotionally, any guys who would make good partners will steer clear of you, which means you're going to attract emotionally unavailable men, or men who are still hurting, or are actively looking to scam a lonely woman.

Also remember that as much as you say you want to keep things casual or take things slowly, you can't always control your emotions, and you're also liable to risk hurting some innocent person (this just happened to me when the guy I was dating realized he jumped in too early. He's beating himself up even more because he hurt me and because we would have been a great match had he waited to heal.)

There is no rush.

LadyQ posted 9/21/2013 20:23 PM

My divorce was final in May of last year, and I've no desire to start dating. Oh, I have moments where I daydream about what it would be like to have someone in my life. But at this point, 3 years after d-day, a year and a half post divorce, I'm still single by choice.

Saleschick posted 9/21/2013 21:30 PM

In my Divorce Care class, they have stressed to us to be careful about jumping in to a new relationship on the rebound. That being said I have met 4 times a guy whose wife had an affair and left him and his 3 kids, so he knows what I am going thru. He just likes going out and talking so that is what we do and it works for now for both of us. Good Luck!

fireproof posted 9/21/2013 22:27 PM

I think it depends on your personal experiences, the status of your marriage when you divorced, the factors, etc.

I waited 4 years. I needed that time. Looking back I think genuinely to potentially care about someone could have happened at 2 years but I was too afraid of the break up of a new relationship being worse than the divorce happening to me.

I will say having gone to meetups they are nice to put your toe into your NB. I would stress to attend the ones that interest you so the focus is not on meeting someone. There is a circuit but if you go for light fun and your interests you can make great friends! I wish I would have at least tried one earlier as well.

I leaned a ton on my old friends that I have known 20 years. I knew I could trust their feedback and still do. I have made new friends and accept life is trial and error.

Stay safe but try little things if you need a change.

Good luck.

Sad in AZ posted 9/22/2013 00:19 AM

I've come to look at this a bit differently. I believe that if you are dating because you're lonely or because you want to prove that you are desirable, you are dating for the wrong reasons.

If you are dating because you like the company of other people, then it's right.

gypsybird87 posted 9/22/2013 00:29 AM

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I definitely don't want to get into something too soon. It's funny, just after D-day when we were going through everything and dividing it up, I made some comment about the Christmas stuff, and how I would be alone this Christmas. And he said, "Only if you choose to be." I said, "What does that mean? Unless I fly to visit my parents, I'll be alone!" He gave me this baffled look and said, "You don't think you'll have met someone by then?"

At the time I was floored. I couldn't get my head around the idea of being in a relationship 8 months after my life exploding, or even how he could say such a thing to me. Now I know so much more, and it makes perfect sense because a deeply dysfunctional NPD like him would NEVER allow themselves to be alone for 8 months.

You are all right, I am not ready. Lonely, yes... but that is not the same thing as ready. Thank you all for the excellent advice.

BrokenDaisy posted 9/22/2013 06:23 AM

I ended up with my stbxwh because I dated too soon after a previous abusive relationship ended. Effectively marrying an even worse guy I escaped. I will not make that mistake again. I won't date no matter how lonely I am until I have fully healed and gained self worth and learn to value myself.

It is so true what everyone is saying "broken attracts broken". Don't rush it. Heal, build a happy and fulfilling life as a single person and when you are content (and only then) seek someone out to share it with. Don't look for someone to give you happiness or contentment.

I thought I was marrying the "perfect" guy because I was looking through broken lenses aquired from an abusive relationship. If you take the time and do the work on yourself you will be able to spot the wolves in sheep clothing from a mile away. If not those wolves will catch you in their snare. I wish I took the time after my previous relationship and won't make the same mistakes. So many here can tell you horror stories because they dated too soon too. Learn from others mistakes. Good luck! This is certainly not an easy journey!

missherlots posted 9/22/2013 13:11 PM


You will be ready when your heart is full of happiness for who you are and not, for what other people give you or tell you.

You will be ready when your heart is capable to fee love for yourself and compassion for your EXWH and others because we all are broken.

You will be ready when you understand that nothing is forever, and the circle with your EXWH is closed. If you let him go, you are fee too.

You will be ready when you realized that happiness has no face, body, money, family name or style because happiness is part of you and it was given to you at birth.

You will ready when you choose to live the present moment instead of dwelling in the past mistakes or control the future.

You will be ready when you realize that you are not alone because we all are interconnected and we all suffer in different ways. Pain belongs to everyone, physical or emotional is not excusive to you so, we are part of you too.

The happiness of your heart will come back, fear not.

Take the time, as much as you need to find inside the true nature of your being. Love and have compassion for you and other and it will make you feel whole because you are part of everything.

Then you will be ready to date and remarried or whatever you want to do because you are worth it to yourself

My two cents

[This message edited by missherlots at 10:28 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

SoHappyNow posted 9/22/2013 13:55 PM

missherlots.......just for the record, I personally think your two cents is worth more like two dollars!

SoHappyNow posted 9/22/2013 14:06 PM

gypsybird87, there is no magic number where one size fits all, unfortunately.

There is no way in the world that I had any business falling in love with my late husband's best friend (BF) this soon. BF told me that he had feelings for me less than two months after my husband died. BF had been separated from his wife about 18 months at that point, and I told him he needed to get a divorce. He did.

I was warned by several concerned oldtimers here, because - on paper, at least - this new love looked like a disaster waiting to happen. And I did appreciate the concern the SI folk were showing me.

But.....we are both over 60. Both quite emotionally and spiritually mature. Neither of us were looking for love. Neither of us "needed" a new partner. But, luckily, neither of us lacked the courage to explore these feelings.

So. If you don't need a partner at all, you're in a much better position to find a really good one. I hope this all makes sense?

Nature_Girl posted 9/23/2013 02:49 AM

I know that I am not ready to date. However, I am trying to rebuild my life, and part of that is trying to meet my needs socially. I'm trying to make friends, trying to make the world a better place, trying to be a good example to my children. So I'm volunteering in two different groups. That way I'm meeting my needs while doing good at the same time. There's no pressure when I go that I'm looking for someone or that I need to concern myself in that way. If I was to meet someone, I'd rather meet him while we're doing something good. I'd like to think that my odds of meeting another NPD are lower (notice I didn't say nil) if the location or activity is one involving altruism, compassion, and being "real".

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 2:53 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

7yrsflushed posted 9/23/2013 08:20 AM

Thanks for posting this gypsybird. I could have written your post and in fact was about to this morning.

If you don't need a partner at all, you're in a much better position to find a really good one.
Needs versus Wants...seems to be a never ending battle. I guess when it's no longer a battle but an understanding is when things get clearer. At least I hope so.

If I was to meet someone, I'd rather meet her while we're doing something good.

I've been doing me for a few months now and the lonely times creep in more often but the collective wsidom of SI has helped me in the past so I guess I will keep listening.

Dawnie posted 9/23/2013 09:14 AM

There is no magic time table... everyone is different. In my case I met my now husband 6 months after D-day. I was coming out of a 20 year marriage and I never knew how lonely I was until I was out of it. Today is my 4 year anniversary of D-day and I have no regrets with dating that close to D-day and have never been happier in my life.

Bebba1171 posted 9/23/2013 10:18 AM

D-Day was Sept 16, 2011.

Marriage was annulled in May 2012.

Finished trial in August 2012.

Reached out to a gal on in September 2013.

Worked out well for me. With the exception of a two week breakup initiated by me, we have been dating ever since.

Everyone is different. I had really low testosterone which pretty much took my interest in women away except for communications with some very attractive gals on SI!

wildbananas posted 9/23/2013 13:20 PM

I started dating almost immediately after ex-asshat and I split for the final time. I thought I was ready because we'd been off and on for about six years. Big, giant mistake. I may have not loved ex-asshat anymore but I had years of damage I needed to process and come to terms with before moving forward.

My rebound relationship lasted about four years total. I then took two years off to be alone and it was the best decision ever. I got to find out who I really was after years of being told I was always wrong and surprise, I was totally different than I thought!

Being alone/single to heal is time well spent. And there is no timetable but you'll know when you're ready to step out into the dating world again.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 1:20 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Williesmom posted 9/23/2013 13:47 PM

I'm one of the few that waited, and I'm so glad that I did.

I waited until about 2 years after the D was final - it's been final for 5 years now.

You really have to be comfortable with yourself before you can even comprehend a healthy relationship with someone else.

Humor for you all: At the time of my D, my goal was to be re-married within 2 years. Yikes - I'm so glad that it didn't turn out that way.

gypsybird87 posted 9/23/2013 18:24 PM

Wow, thanks everyone for the additional responses. It helps so much to see all the different perspectives. I love this:

Being alone/single to heal is time well spent.

When I was having a difficult time recently, and it seemed like XWH and OW were living this happy-go-lucky life, my IC told me something. She said that his track in life is a circle: Relationship, cheat, leave, relationship, cheat, leave, on and on forever, never going anywhere. And that my track in life, while sometimes slow, rough and uphill, is at least going somewhere. Even if I slide backwards occasionally, once I get moving again, I'm moving forward, and he is not.

She promised me this track I'm on leads somewhere good. Somewhere I can really be happy in myself, and find someone deserving to share it with. I hope she's right. And I guess I'll know I'm there, when I get there.

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