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still not totally honest

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leapoffaith86 posted 9/21/2013 19:37 PM

On dday my husband told he had finished his OEA and he said he had sent this HW a message only saying "I will never see you again. I have blocked you from all my contacts. Please forget about me." I asked him what else he had written and he said that was it because she didn't need any further explanations. Well today I couldn't help myself and I checked his email account (he did tell me I was free to do so); Man was that message long! among some other romantic things, he said he loved her, but he had responsabilities to honor, he was deeply hurt by this situation, he's sorry about it and that he would take this love to the grave. I obviously feel like he was betraying me again, I confronted him again, and he said he was sorry, but he's manipulative and is working on it with the therapist, and none of it was true. I can't help but think that all that is true and he'll be totally miserable with me and he's only staying for his son. I really want to make him happy.

whatlysbeneath posted 9/21/2013 20:01 PM


I think "Manipulative" is just another word for "Deceptive" and that is just another word for "Liar". All branches from the same tree.

The answer is in your topic title "...not totally honest".

There is no partial honesty just as there is no partial pregnancy.

It sounds like your H may be using IC to escape total responsibilty for HIS choices..."Its not me, its my manipulitive personality".

LA44 posted 9/21/2013 20:04 PM

((lof86)) I just wanted to give you a hug. That would be a very difficult thing to read.

PS: I want him to make YOU happy.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:05 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Dreamland posted 9/21/2013 22:05 PM

Hugs ... Sorry I would be devastated too. I am gladd I only was able to recover some of the text. Never saw what he last said. But I know they had their last goodbye fuck. I kept calling and interrupting. I was pissed his ass wasn't how.
Chin up and maybe he wrote while still in the fog. My H says he didn't mean any of it but just said what he thought she wanted to hear for free fucks.

blakesteele posted 9/22/2013 07:05 AM

I never got to read my wifes email to her AP...but I suspect it had much of the same tones your husbands did.

The whole love you forever, I have responsibility to honor thing sucks.

This is his way of continuing the façade that your husband is somehow NOBLE. My wife had conversations with her AP about how bad she felt about their relationship during their affair...admissions not designed to END the affair, they were designed to continue the affair.

This is all about presenting a person to another person in a light (or a darkness) that hides that they are adulterers, that they are capable of such deep deception and betrayal.....and the AP is doing the same thing. After all, WS and AP are trying to develop a relationship...they are, in essence, courting each other. Remember we did similar things during our respective courting days....of course we weren't in a marriage then.

I AM impressed your husband saved this NC communication and that he is sharing this with you...a very good sign. are still new into this journey. NC letter was sent by your husband so early on...he had to have been in the fog still. I am not condoning his statements...just trying to say he is not alone on this course of action.

There is no partial honesty just as there is no partial pregnancy.

a fWS life is full of lies...told daily...sometimes every 10 minutes! So it is a mode that is very hard to abandon 100% completely. Hopefully, over time, your husband will subscribe to the above quote.

Radical honesty by both husband and wife is one of the keys to a healthy marriage and deeper, developing intimacy.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:07 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

leapoffaith86 posted 9/22/2013 07:13 AM

Actually he didn't save the conversation, I imagine he didn't know I do know how to rescue deleted messages. Anyways, that's what I'm afraid of, that he's still courting her, maybe he blocked her; but I feel like he wrote all that to somehow rescue that relationship later on. Also, the fact that he lied to me about the contents of that specific message makes me wonder if he's lying about other things.

PamJ posted 9/22/2013 09:20 AM

This is why NC letters (No contact=ending the affair) should be written by both the WS and the BS together and sent together.

This wouldn't prevent someone who is in false R to later tell the AP 'forget what I said BS made me do it' but at least you would know that letter went out and what it said and hope the AP abides by it, and at least knew that YOU knew about the A.

That is often enough for the A to fall apart, full exposure is the surest way to do this to everyone close to you, including the AP's spouse, your immediate family etc. Then societal shame takes over in most cases.

leapoffaith86 posted 9/22/2013 10:58 AM

I told him that exactly! That I wanted to see what he was going to tell her or call her with me by his side. He said it was too late because he had already sent the message, that's when he lied about its content, but he promised we would call her. That was Tuesday, I feel we have been somewhat ok during the week, he's been trying to show me how much he cares and he's quite convincing; that's why I haven't brought it up. But I still can't forget those words and the fact that he talks to her the way he talks to me and that might change his mind and leave me because I'm mot good enough.

sailorgirl posted 9/22/2013 13:33 PM

If he leaves you it'll be because HE'S not good enough.
You have no control over whether he leaves or stays--that's all on him.

I really want to make him happy.

Gently, you can't make him happy. He is deeply messed-up--you can tell because he's a liar who's betraying his wife and son. People who are that emotionally unhealthy tend to hurt themselves and everyone around them. They have to fix themselves before they can ever hope to be happy.

Figure out how to make yourself strong and happy whether he stays or not. IC is a great start, and read up on the 180 in the Healing Library!

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 1:34 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

blakesteele posted 9/22/2013 14:57 PM

My wife knew how important that NC email was to me...and yet, it was deleted after it was sent. Fog was really thick for her.


Sorry to mis-interpret your husbands actions leapoffaith86. I am very much adopting an attitude for other SI members that I have for my girls.

That is, to have a better go of life then I have. I do wish my assumption was correct...that he did step up faster.

God be with us all.

note: To be sure, I am fortunate and am pleased with my life and all it contains...just want better for my children.

topperoff22 posted 9/23/2013 21:55 PM

That would kill me. I'm really glad I never read any of their messages. It was hard enough reading the first one he ever sent her when they first got back in contact...he sounded like when he first started dating me...all nervous and "hope we can be friends" bs. That was four years ago, but he insists the affair only started 10 months ago. Who even knows.

lucy17 posted 9/23/2013 22:03 PM

What would make YOU happy? I'm so sorry you saw those horrible words. Hopefully, with distance and time he will come to his senses and realize that the person in front of him is worth more than some stupid fantasy. In the meantime, do what you can to take care of you.

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