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when did your inlaws start to forgive you?

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Alyssamd24 posted 9/21/2013 21:09 PM

Since my A I have not spoken to my in-laws...the only time I have seen them is when I drop our DD off at their house once a week, but it is always a quick thing and my MIL never really says anything to me.

I know they are very hurt and angry by my actions and accept this. My MIL is especially angry and has pressured my BH into divorcing me....he finally got so sick of her forcing her opinions on him he stopped talking about it to her. My FIL is also upset but has been supportive of my BH.

My BH also has an older sister who has been very supportive of him and his decisions. She and I have always gotten along well, and right after D Day she actually sent ME a text asking how I was doing, which I think says a lot about her character.

Last week I finally confronted them all. I spoke to my SIL first (she is less intimidating) and then went to speak to his parents. It went better than I thought it would go....his father told me he respects the fact that I went and spoke to them and was glad I did it.

I know they aren't going to forgive me overnight and it's going to take time. But my concern is that (mainly my MIL) still doesn't accept that my BH and I are together and trying to R. She keeps doing things that make me feel like she is trying to make a point that she doesn't like me or want me in the family. I understand why she doesn't like me, but still want to realize that I am still with her son and am not planning on going anywhere. My biggest concern is for our DD, who is only four and doesn't understand what is going on....but eventually she is going to start to think it's strange that only she and daddy go to Grammy and Pepes house for dinner, and Mommy never goes..that or my BH and our DD will go off with them for the day and I am never invited.

I tried to bring this up with my BH but he thinks I am being crazy.

I am just wondering what experiences other BS have had with their in-laws and if you have been in a similar position, how did you deal with it?

hitbyatruck posted 9/21/2013 21:25 PM

I did not give my parents (two sets) the option of not including FWH. Either we both came or no one came. I'm sure they had and still have their opinion of FWH but they can talk about that between themselves.

I didn't want exactly what you are describing. Me going to my parent's homes with my kids and leaving their Dad behind.

They will adjust or they won't. Understandable why they are so upset/angry with you but they should respect the fact that you are trying to rebuild a marriage. They can help that process or hurt it by not participating.

It was not always easy to stand my ground with my parents on this issue. Afterall they were the ones picking up the pieces after H walked out. I told them most of the dirty details too, they knew it all.

tired girl posted 9/21/2013 23:05 PM

Look, I went through this with my H's parents before I ever did anything. His dad just didn't like me. I didn't put my H in the middle, I dealt with it, went along with him to his parents home and eventually my kids got old enough to notice. They decided they didn't want to be around a grandparent that treated their mom that way. That was the thing that turned him around. He has treated me great ever since. The opinions of his grandkids were what mattered.

My H was the one that let him know how our kids felt. Hlessons has always stood up for me with his parents. Sometimes this is not a battle you can fight. Let her figure it out on her own as long as nothing is said in front of your DD.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 9/22/2013 06:43 AM

We weren't going to tell Chicho's parents. But he told his sister, who told his Dad, who told his birth parents.

At first it was a little awkward. His birth dad was a bit standoffish. His birth Mom was ok.
The first time I saw his adoptive Dad, chicho was at work and I was really nervous, but it went fine.

Chicho spoke to his parents and told them it was our decision to R, and to please respect that. That we needed their support, not judgement.
Ever since then things have been great.
In fact last year out of all their kids and their partners (9 people), I was the only one who got a birthday present!

Good luck!

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 9/22/2013 08:50 AM

Be graceful in all your interactions. You know you made the biggest mistake of your life. If you're doing the counseling, and doing the hard work, then simply know their hurt is about their son's best interest and respect that. It doesn't mean you have to react, or even answer to them. Answer to your husband, your marriage, and most of all your God. Their approval won't fulfill you any more than the A did. For the sake of your kids, kill them with kindness. This is what people mean when they say infidelity hurts more than just a spouse. It alters every relationship. People look at you and deal with you differently. The worst thing you can do is react. Smile a lot with them, know they're hurting, and absorb the hits for a while, eventually, if your husband loves you and wants R, he will notice it and will realize he must take the right path for your sake. He'll find that answer.

Good luck, I know it's hard.

Darkness Falls posted 9/22/2013 14:43 PM

My XILs have not spoken to me in 3 1/2 years, even though they supposedly know we've been back together for a year and a half. Just last week my mother said "They still refuse to speak to you?" Shrug. I'll deal with it when they're family again someday.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/22/2013 15:05 PM


Do you have children? If so how do you deal with that?

Darkness Falls posted 9/22/2013 19:21 PM

No children.

If I had children, of course my XH's family would be as much a part of their lives as they wanted to be. I hope for that to be the case someday when we do have them.

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