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Given my recent break up I have done some inventory of my relationship history and I know it is not good.

I realized that since I have been 18, I really have never been without a relationship. I had two long term relationships late in high school and then through college and met my XH just when I had broken up with my boyfriend. Basically I went from relationship to relationship with very little time in between.

The first time I was on my own in over 20 years was after XH moved out. That lasted 8 months and then XSO and I became exclusive which ended after 4 months.

8 months out of my entire adult life. That is pathetic. I don't mind solitude, actually, I was craving it during my marriage and even with my recent xSO after spending multiple days in a row with him but I think I very much define myself by being with a man and in a relationship.

It is time for some serious IC and soul searching. People tell me how strong I am and how I have so much control of my life, and yet I feel totally lost inside. I am scared of the next week and weekend when my kids will be with their father and SO will not be by my side.

You are strong and can do it!
I was with the same man for 28 years (since my sophomore yr in college). I am afraid too but doing it. I have cried each day this week but my crying stints generally get briefer and briefer. I bought his share of the house. I hired a lawn guy to do my lawn (since I have no clue how to use the riding lawn mower). I was dealing with ADT and other stuff this week that he would normally do. I do miss talking and sharing my day with him. I go a good review at work and would have LOVED to have shared it with him like I normally did in the past. That being said I told my step mother who was very proud of me. Trust me, if I can do it, you can do it. Take it day by day but YOU CAN DO THIS!

Watching Bridget Jones tonight and yes, I can do it

You absolutely can do this, but the self reflection of your past is important as well as the IC to dig in to the why's. You're doing great - just keep on course. It can be so easy to just feel like you're ok and stop - my advice is don't stop. Even when you think you're okay - keep digging at least for a while.

It's not easy - I'm still working on it myself - and I have to work on pushing myself forward.
((Hugs))