Given my recent break up I have done some inventory of my relationship history and I know it is not good.
I realized that since I have been 18, I really have never been without a relationship. I had two long term relationships late in high school and then through college and met my XH just when I had broken up with my boyfriend. Basically I went from relationship to relationship with very little time in between.
The first time I was on my own in over 20 years was after XH moved out. That lasted 8 months and then XSO and I became exclusive which ended after 4 months.
8 months out of my entire adult life. That is pathetic. I don't mind solitude, actually, I was craving it during my marriage and even with my recent xSO after spending multiple days in a row with him but I think I very much define myself by being with a man and in a relationship.
It is time for some serious IC and soul searching. People tell me how strong I am and how I have so much control of my life, and yet I feel totally lost inside. I am scared of the next week and weekend when my kids will be with their father and SO will not be by my side.