Have you prioritized what you think are the biggest issues/issue you want to focus on right now?
I think the biggest one is regaining respect for my XH. Let me explain.
Before we began reconciliation in April of 2012, I had always considered my XH pretty much completely beyond reproach. He was the most honest person I knew, besides my mom. He was full of integrity. He went out of his way to help others. At our union job, where MANY of my coworkers get away with slacking and bending the rules because good ol' union has their back and covers for them, he is by far the hardest worker and Mr. By-the-Book. He was really just a great guy, one of the best you'd ever meet. He wasn't perfect; he's a horrible communicator and very conflict-avoidant, but he has a good heart and is always well-intentioned.
After D-day, respect for him was very high; I do think I idealized him a bit in my mind while I beat myself up (respect for myself was obviously at an all-time low). As I did the work to become healthier, I gained more respect for myself. I made a lot of positive changes in myself that went beyond wayward behavior and relationship issues. I became more financially responsible, I became a better employee at my job, I developed a better relationship with my FOO, I became more disciplined in all aspects of my life including areas such as housework, physical fitness, eating right, etc. I felt as though I was finally becoming the person I should have been all along in all aspects of life.
When we began R'ing and facts of his life post D-day came out, I saw that while I had been building myself up, he had actually been tearing himself down. He made one piss-poor decision after another with his life, all of which culminate in the fact that once I agreed to R, all of this crap now affects me as well. The two main areas of these decisions affect our interaction within our social circle and his finances, which will become OUR finances when we remarry.
WRT the finances: he completely trashed his financial life. He has 3 foreclosures on his record. He makes plenty of money, but he just...inexplicably...stopped paying his f'ing bills. He lives in what he refers to as a "homeless shelter," in reality a pay-by-the-week residential motel, because he can't get an apartment on his credit. He keeps his paychecks on him and cashes them one at a time, because he's afraid of seizure of his bank accounts. He is completely miserable at his job, which, hey, aren't we all---but he's been trying to get his own business off the ground for the entire SEVEN YEARS that I've known him and it just seems to be going nowhere. All of which feeds him into an endless loop of feeling like a loser (pre-D-day), feeling MORE like a loser thanks to me (post-D-day) to fucking up his life (post-D-day) to feeling EVEN MORE like a loser (present day) and it just goes round and round and it makes me want to scream. I've worked on myself, I've picked myself up from NOTHING (I had $1200 to my name after we D'd) to make something of myself....why the hell can't he???? And it sucks because he is so smart...brilliant even. We want certain things for our future as pertains to children, and one of those is that his "dream business" supports our family while I do the bulk of childrearing. But again...SEVEN YEARS of getting NOWHERE. And since D-day, when we were apart for two years, he made it even WORSE. I am frustrated and scared. Talking to him about it, even as gently and supportively as I possible can, only makes him feel worse, and the cycle continues.
WRT the social circle: I am surrounded by hypocrites and I am forced to make nice. I made a post detailing all this awhile ago; it's too painful and time-consuming to rehash at the moment, but basically I don't know how to overcome my intermingled feelings of being rejected and ostracized from my social circle after the A (deserved) while my xBFF who did the same thing to the same guy (my XH) is still welcomed with open arms, and the hypocrisy of the whole thing which makes me want to distance myself from these fake "friends" even more. I have said my piece to them, politely, but it was glossed over and the onus was basically put on me to either deal with it or, oh well. I do OK with it for awhile, and then something comes up (photos from "that time," or an innocent remark from someone about XXXX and XH, or just the shit swirling in my own head coming to the surface) that sets me back, and I go right back to feeling bitter and angry.
I feel as though, with those two problems above, that I am not making any progress in letting them go. I feel as though I am breaking my own boundaries in socializing with those people, number one, and that I am constantly conflicted as to whether or not another go-round at marriage with my XH is the right thing to do. It has nothing to do with anybody else, or being tempted to cheat, or any of that. It has to do with that I made great strides toward getting healthy, and he hasn't.
So those are the top two priorities. Getting those things straight in my head. Not feeling like I want to say something nasty each and every time xBFF's name comes up or some connection to their "relationship" comes up (and believe me, when I say nasty, I mean nasty---nothing about her personally, but along other lines. I can't even post what I want to say because I'm so ashamed of feeling that way). And respecting XH the way I used to despite his destructive behavior of the past couple of years.
Our day-to-day relationship really is very comfortable, despite how this post sounds.
That's the sad part. As long as I'm not thinking about this crap, everything is OK and rolling along smoothly. We get along well as long as I don't bring stuff up. He "allowed" me to talk about it briefly back then, to air my feelings, which I admit is nice of him because I suppose technically what he did after we separated should have been none of my business. But once we began reconciling, and once it was clear that he still hung in the same social circle, and (re: the finances) once we knew that his mess would directly affect my future, I feel that it became my business. And after the first couple of months of me really trying to be patient and explain how I felt, he didn't want to hear it anymore, because it was just dragging us down, and keeping us mired in the bullshit, and preventing us from moving forward, and (cue the drama music) "[I'd] never be happy" as long as I kept bringing it up.
But as we know here on this site, shutting up verbally doesn't mean it shuts up inside. And it's still not shutting up a year and a half later.
Sorry for the novel.