Fast forward to 8:08pm on 8/8/13-(Really not a fan of August or the number 8 any longer)
H admits to having lied about ONS and that a PA had started in 7/09 and was lust and infatuation for 8 weeks and then stopped. He ended it to work on our marriage. We R (Falsely) in 1/10 and they had no sex for over a year, but continued to be “friends”. Then it started up again and they would intermittently have sex. No strings, FWB, (no emotional connection-just f***ing) every 3-5 months. He estimates approximately 12 times in 3 ½ years, usually on their lunch hour @ her house nearby. He said he never “loved her”. I had no clue. No suspicions. Complete trust in my remorseful H.
H finally ended it w/OW in 6/13. It ticked her off, she retaliated and filed a work related complaint and then told the whole story of the A and the last 4 years to their boss. He was forced to quit and she was suspended for 2 days w/o pay. And that is how I Just Found Out.
Not giving him any kind of excuse or pass, but this is apparently not the first MM this OW has done this to. She has broken up several other marriages and has gotten another man fired for having an A w/her. She is a predatory, aggressive woman looking for MM to target, and some men, my H included, are just too stupid to recognize it.
Question #1: He was living a “double life” for 4 years. Was what I had w/him real? It seems impossible that I lived and loved him so completely and did not have any idea that he was capable of this.
Question #2: Is this part of his character make-up now? All the lies, the deception, the “real life” w/me and this “ugly thing” every once in a while(his words not mine). Does he have a personality disorder or is this just his selfishness during the A? Can he recreate himself to be the man I want and deserve?
Question #3: Do I have the capacity to accept or get past the deep betrayal that was done to me and my marriage a second time? I know I will never forget, but will the intensity of the pain ease up enough to allow me at some point to R with WH. Will I be able to look at him again and not see the source of my pain?
Question #4: He says he never anticipated the consequences and the damage to me and our family. Yet he had a front row seat for my pain in 1/10. He knew the utter loss I felt and yet he continued off and on for four years. Can this be true?
Question #5: He is coming out of the Fog. He is doing “everything right”: IC, MC, reading lots of Infidelity books & this site, apologizing, taking responsibility, NC, (he actually hates OW now), and anything else he can think of to reassure me. Why can I not accept these efforts as genuine, apart from the fact that he lied to me for four years? Are the lies and deception just too much to overcome?
Thank you all. Your open hearts and your concern for others is an inspiration, considering where we each find ourselves, right here on this forum.
When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard & steep. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
I am wondering why your H was forced to quit (fired?) yet AP was not? Was he her boss? Something does not sound right.
It is important that the truth of his A is revealed, that your H is accountable for his actions, that he is remorseful, and 100% committed to the M. Without this R will never be successful.
When working through this be sure to trust your gut. If what he says does not make sense, chances are it's a lie.
Of course your H hates the OW now, she was instrumental in getting him fired. My WH hated MOW as well...she came to my house to toss his ass under the bus then proceeded to go to HR and attempt to cause destruction at work.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
You just can't know the answers until the problems are addressed, and the depths of what has happened over the last years truly sinks in. You may discover that he isn't able to dig down deep enough to do what is necessary to become a safe person again. You may also discover that you are incapable of forgiving his past acts. Time has an effect on everyone, and the one thing for certain is that your future has not been scripted yet.
You just discovered that you were never in R, and yet you thought of these years as some of the best in your marriage. That will have a devastating blow on your ability to put down your emotional guard and to trust again. The fact that he was able to live the double life so comfortably, and would NOT have told you due to a guilty conscience is another huge obstacle to work through.
But it is done here often. It all depends if (1) your husband has it in him to do the real work to become authentic, and (2) do you have the ability to work past this, and commit fully to your marriage again.
But, like I said earlier---time will tell.
Sorry that you find yourself here.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
#1: Was what you had "real"? Probably yes with the caveat that your WS compartmentalized his life with you and his relationship with the OW.
#2: It's always been a part of his character make-up. Otherwise it never would have happened in the first place.
#3: This will always be with you. It happened and it's now part of your history, your story. Only YOU will be able to determine if you can accept what has happened and stay in the relationship or leave. For some people they can and do work through it and stay in the relationship and for others it's a hard deal breaker and they leave the relationship. It's a totally individual thing. It's your decision and no one will fault you either way.
#4: Bullshit. He KNEW it would devastate you. He just thought he'd never get caught. He was more interested in getting his piece of pork on the side and how it made HIM feel than trying to protect you.
#5: Again....it's an individual thing. Some people can accept and embrace what happened and some can't. And it's alright either way.
Why did your WS lose his job and the OW didn't?
I would say sweetie, be prepared for more truth to come out. It doesn't "ring true" that they only had sex once every few months. It just doesn't. My husband on first DDay I only knew of one AP. Second DDay, 3 more (plus the LTA) came out. At first he told me the LTA was just 18 months of oral sex. Turns out it was 27ish months of sex 2-3 times a week, at work, at her apartment before work, during the work day on her days off, after work, etc. Oh there WAS oral sex, just, a whole lot more.
I say this only to prepare you. They minimize to cover their butts. Keep digging.
My husband lived a double life for 5 years. One of those we were in "r" or so I thought. I had no idea. Not a clue. I thought our entire marriage was a lie.
#1. He did love me during that time, but it was a really effed up kind of love. And yes, our marriage was a lie.
#2. He can change, he has to want to. My husband does have a diagnosed personality disorder, but that isn't why he cheated. He cheated because he was selfish, period.
3. You can accept, yes. But it takes TIME and a lot of healing. And a partner willing to HELP you heal.
4. Of course they don't anticipate the fall out, they aren't thinking that far ahead. They are only thinking of themselves in the moment.
5. You can't accept these efforts as genuine yet because you've been traumatized...again. It will take a lot of action to begin to accept his changes. Only you can decide if it's too much or not. And you don't have to decide NOW.
I caution you to put too much blame on the "predatory" OW. Your husband had a choice. He wasn't too "stupid" to not see it. He still CHOSE to have an affair. He wasn't victimized. He wasn't lied to by her. He chose to engage in an extra-marital affair. He has responsibility here. Even if she is/was aggressive, it doesn't matter. He chose to get involved with her. Saying she "targeted" him is blame shifting.
She didn't GET him fired. Your husband's actions got himself fired. I'm not trying to sound harsh and I apologize if I'm coming off that way, but given that my husband was fired for his actions, I do not blame anyone but HIMSELF. He knew what he was doing. He knew it was wrong. He chose to do it anyway. That was one of the consequences of his choices.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Question #2: In my SAWH's case, this was 40+ years in the making. Childhood issues/Family of origin issues all play a role. He used to lie in his childhood to cover up his rebellion against his parents. They were always working and were so detached and unaware of what was REALLY going on with him...all they cared about were his grades. He pretty much had a secret life as a child. He was smart and was a good student so he was able to fool them. I guess he thought he could fool me too if he set me up with the life he thought I always wanted. However, as I stated to him on DD, "none of this (house, lifestyle) means anything unless the people inside of it are happy." MC thinks he was rebelling against me the way he rebelled against his parents and other authority figures in his childhood. I know my SAWH has some type of personality disorder but I am starting to believe he knows he does too and how fucked up it is and that in order for him to be happy, he needs to change his life. He's in IC with a psychiatrist and CSAT. He's got a long way to go...and I'm sure that in your case, too, it will also take a long time to see real, sustained change. I think your H has got to want it for himself most of all.
Question #3: I look at myself NOW vs. where I was 6 months ago and I see that I have the capacity to accept or get past the deep betrayal to some extent. I hope time will provide more of this. The brain is an amazing elastic thing that is capable of change.
Question #4: Make sure your H is getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also, do some thinking about what kind of marriage you want and what your deal breakers are. Was cheating again a known deal breaker? If so, you need to address how you are going to proceed with R. I'm not sure I could.
Question #5: In my case it is difficult to accept that my SAWH is genuine because well he was blatantly lying to me for almost 3 years and created a secret life and he did not end the A entirely even though he was caught. He denied it for a full two weeks after I confronted him and then they "took a break" and were still in contact for a month before he finally broke up with her entirely. Just like he can't turn on a dime, neither can your belief system. Humans just don't turn on/off like a light switch.
[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:54 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]
Like I said, I feel much hope for you guys. I think you can make it through this. Best of luck and hugs.