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Hi everyone. I’ve been lurking for a few weeks and have not seen anything that fits my situation. I have read all the Healing Library and FAQs. This site is truly amazing. I would like to ask a few questions and receive some much needed advice. Thank you in advance.

Background:
Married in 1986, 2 adult kids who are beyond fabulous, and a happy affectionate loving relationship. Ups and downs like most, but “everyone” thought we had a M that was great, including me and him until co-worker started pursuing him.
8/09- I got the ILYBNILWY anymore speech. I responded by doing everything possible to work things out. Worked on myself, improved our marriage, but still no change for him. I had no facts to go on other than a gut feeling that some external force was causing his unhappiness, but I never suspected he would be unfaithful. Totally out of character for my H.
1/10- Admits to ONS w/co-worker in 8/09. We R successfully, it was by far the best 3 ½ years of our 26 years of marriage, despite the fact he still worked w/OW, and the horrible pain of those years for me. I insisted on him having no contact other than business, and that he seek out other employment, clearly that didn’t happen.

Fast forward to 8:08pm on 8/8/13-(Really not a fan of August or the number 8 any longer)
H admits to having lied about ONS and that a PA had started in 7/09 and was lust and infatuation for 8 weeks and then stopped. He ended it to work on our marriage. We R (Falsely) in 1/10 and they had no sex for over a year, but continued to be “friends”. Then it started up again and they would intermittently have sex. No strings, FWB, (no emotional connection-just f***ing) every 3-5 months. He estimates approximately 12 times in 3 ½ years, usually on their lunch hour @ her house nearby. He said he never “loved her”. I had no clue. No suspicions. Complete trust in my remorseful H.
H finally ended it w/OW in 6/13. It ticked her off, she retaliated and filed a work related complaint and then told the whole story of the A and the last 4 years to their boss. He was forced to quit and she was suspended for 2 days w/o pay. And that is how I Just Found Out.

Not giving him any kind of excuse or pass, but this is apparently not the first MM this OW has done this to. She has broken up several other marriages and has gotten another man fired for having an A w/her. She is a predatory, aggressive woman looking for MM to target, and some men, my H included, are just too stupid to recognize it.

Question #1: He was living a “double life” for 4 years. Was what I had w/him real? It seems impossible that I lived and loved him so completely and did not have any idea that he was capable of this.

Question #2: Is this part of his character make-up now? All the lies, the deception, the “real life” w/me and this “ugly thing” every once in a while(his words not mine). Does he have a personality disorder or is this just his selfishness during the A? Can he recreate himself to be the man I want and deserve?

Question #3: Do I have the capacity to accept or get past the deep betrayal that was done to me and my marriage a second time? I know I will never forget, but will the intensity of the pain ease up enough to allow me at some point to R with WH. Will I be able to look at him again and not see the source of my pain?

Question #4: He says he never anticipated the consequences and the damage to me and our family. Yet he had a front row seat for my pain in 1/10. He knew the utter loss I felt and yet he continued off and on for four years. Can this be true?

Question #5: He is coming out of the Fog. He is doing “everything right”: IC, MC, reading lots of Infidelity books & this site, apologizing, taking responsibility, NC, (he actually hates OW now), and anything else he can think of to reassure me. Why can I not accept these efforts as genuine, apart from the fact that he lied to me for four years? Are the lies and deception just too much to overcome?

Thank you all. Your open hearts and your concern for others is an inspiration, considering where we each find ourselves, right here on this forum.

Hugs to you for joining the club none of us wish to belong to. What we do have is emotional support and a place for empathy, learning, sharing and growing during our journey.
Make no mistake, it is rough to be placed in our situation.
Read, meditate, evaluate and most of all be kind to yourself.
Each situation is unique, but there are common bonds of patterns present during infidelities.
Hang in there.... We understand the pain and heartbreak. In fact there may be more devastation yet to be uncovered. Be prepared, it is seldom as white washed as WS would like us to believe.

Sorry that you are hurting.
A word of caution, there just may be more to this story than you are currently aware. So often the WS attempts to minimize, especially in the early days of discovery.

I am wondering why your H was forced to quit (fired?) yet AP was not? Was he her boss? Something does not sound right.

It is important that the truth of his A is revealed, that your H is accountable for his actions, that he is remorseful, and 100% committed to the M. Without this R will never be successful.

When working through this be sure to trust your gut. If what he says does not make sense, chances are it's a lie.
Of course your H hates the OW now, she was instrumental in getting him fired. My WH hated MOW as well...she came to my house to toss his ass under the bus then proceeded to go to HR and attempt to cause destruction at work.

To answer each and every one of your questions---TIME WILL TELL.

You just can't know the answers until the problems are addressed, and the depths of what has happened over the last years truly sinks in. You may discover that he isn't able to dig down deep enough to do what is necessary to become a safe person again. You may also discover that you are incapable of forgiving his past acts. Time has an effect on everyone, and the one thing for certain is that your future has not been scripted yet.

You just discovered that you were never in R, and yet you thought of these years as some of the best in your marriage. That will have a devastating blow on your ability to put down your emotional guard and to trust again. The fact that he was able to live the double life so comfortably, and would NOT have told you due to a guilty conscience is another huge obstacle to work through.

But it is done here often. It all depends if (1) your husband has it in him to do the real work to become authentic, and (2) do you have the ability to work past this, and commit fully to your marriage again.

But, like I said earlier---time will tell.

Sorry that you find yourself here.

JMO mind you............

#1: Was what you had "real"? Probably yes with the caveat that your WS compartmentalized his life with you and his relationship with the OW.

#2: It's always been a part of his character make-up. Otherwise it never would have happened in the first place.

#3: This will always be with you. It happened and it's now part of your history, your story. Only YOU will be able to determine if you can accept what has happened and stay in the relationship or leave. For some people they can and do work through it and stay in the relationship and for others it's a hard deal breaker and they leave the relationship. It's a totally individual thing. It's your decision and no one will fault you either way.

#4: Bullshit. He KNEW it would devastate you. He just thought he'd never get caught. He was more interested in getting his piece of pork on the side and how it made HIM feel than trying to protect you.

#5: Again....it's an individual thing. Some people can accept and embrace what happened and some can't. And it's alright either way.

Why did your WS lose his job and the OW didn't?

k9

I have a similar story, sadly. Though my husband did have multiple AP's, he also had a LTA of 2 1/2 years with one. He was their boss. He also got fired and I had two DDays.

I would say sweetie, be prepared for more truth to come out. It doesn't "ring true" that they only had sex once every few months. It just doesn't. My husband on first DDay I only knew of one AP. Second DDay, 3 more (plus the LTA) came out. At first he told me the LTA was just 18 months of oral sex. Turns out it was 27ish months of sex 2-3 times a week, at work, at her apartment before work, during the work day on her days off, after work, etc. Oh there WAS oral sex, just, a whole lot more.

I say this only to prepare you. They minimize to cover their butts. Keep digging.

My husband lived a double life for 5 years. One of those we were in "r" or so I thought. I had no idea. Not a clue. I thought our entire marriage was a lie.

#1. He did love me during that time, but it was a really effed up kind of love. And yes, our marriage was a lie.

#2. He can change, he has to want to. My husband does have a diagnosed personality disorder, but that isn't why he cheated. He cheated because he was selfish, period.

3. You can accept, yes. But it takes TIME and a lot of healing. And a partner willing to HELP you heal.

4. Of course they don't anticipate the fall out, they aren't thinking that far ahead. They are only thinking of themselves in the moment.

5. You can't accept these efforts as genuine yet because you've been traumatized...again. It will take a lot of action to begin to accept his changes. Only you can decide if it's too much or not. And you don't have to decide NOW.

I caution you to put too much blame on the "predatory" OW. Your husband had a choice. He wasn't too "stupid" to not see it. He still CHOSE to have an affair. He wasn't victimized. He wasn't lied to by her. He chose to engage in an extra-marital affair. He has responsibility here. Even if she is/was aggressive, it doesn't matter. He chose to get involved with her. Saying she "targeted" him is blame shifting.

She didn't GET him fired. Your husband's actions got himself fired. I'm not trying to sound harsh and I apologize if I'm coming off that way, but given that my husband was fired for his actions, I do not blame anyone but HIMSELF. He knew what he was doing. He knew it was wrong. He chose to do it anyway. That was one of the consequences of his choices.

Question #1: Mine was living a “double life” for 2.5 + years. In his worlds it was real, but one of them was a total fantasy and lie. The other (the one where I was) was his home base when he needed security. Also I was taking care of all that nasty responsibility he was rebelling against. Meanwhile, his career and work performance hit an all time low. Funny how about 5 months after DD he came home from work saying he hadn't had a day as good as he had since 2009. I thought to myself "Well, duh! You haven't been yourself since then...you have taken off on a tangent."

Question #2: In my SAWH's case, this was 40+ years in the making. Childhood issues/Family of origin issues all play a role. He used to lie in his childhood to cover up his rebellion against his parents. They were always working and were so detached and unaware of what was REALLY going on with him...all they cared about were his grades. He pretty much had a secret life as a child. He was smart and was a good student so he was able to fool them. I guess he thought he could fool me too if he set me up with the life he thought I always wanted. However, as I stated to him on DD, "none of this (house, lifestyle) means anything unless the people inside of it are happy." MC thinks he was rebelling against me the way he rebelled against his parents and other authority figures in his childhood. I know my SAWH has some type of personality disorder but I am starting to believe he knows he does too and how fucked up it is and that in order for him to be happy, he needs to change his life. He's in IC with a psychiatrist and CSAT. He's got a long way to go...and I'm sure that in your case, too, it will also take a long time to see real, sustained change. I think your H has got to want it for himself most of all.

Question #3: I look at myself NOW vs. where I was 6 months ago and I see that I have the capacity to accept or get past the deep betrayal to some extent. I hope time will provide more of this. The brain is an amazing elastic thing that is capable of change.

Question #4: Make sure your H is getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also, do some thinking about what kind of marriage you want and what your deal breakers are. Was cheating again a known deal breaker? If so, you need to address how you are going to proceed with R. I'm not sure I could.

Question #5: In my case it is difficult to accept that my SAWH is genuine because well he was blatantly lying to me for almost 3 years and created a secret life and he did not end the A entirely even though he was caught. He denied it for a full two weeks after I confronted him and then they "took a break" and were still in contact for a month before he finally broke up with her entirely. Just like he can't turn on a dime, neither can your belief system. Humans just don't turn on/off like a light switch.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:54 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Thank you all for your amazing responses. It’s not necessarily what I want to hear, but what I need to hear. It is all about perspective and you have lived it before me. I respect that. I do recognize that Time is crucial to healing and the thought process of coping w/this traumatic experience.
I have actually cried very little in comparison to 3 ½ years ago. I’m in survival mode and have become very detached from H and from most of my life. We are separated and I am living with my aunt, who is taking the absolute best care of me. I wish everyone had someone to lean on that is as wonderful as she is.
My H lost his job due to the fact that he was covering up the A and protecting her, this was revealed when she filed the complaint. He was not her boss he was a manager in a different dept. His choices, his lies, his selfishness put our marriage and our family’s security at risk. I have read the documents from his boss regarding the situation. I don’t believe there is anything I am unaware of as far as the job goes. That is not to say that I have all the info on the A itself.
Regarding the intermittent aspect of their contact, he said his guilt was what stopped it from being more frequent, and that he was getting a lot of physical & emotional satisfaction at home with me. He always used protection, and was tested the day after DD for STDs as was I. All clear.
I agree that he has FOO issues. He survived a tough childhood by telling his parents, step-parent and others what they wanted to hear, regardless of whether it was the truth or not. He however has always been honest and forthright throughout our relationship until this A. That is why this is so incredibly shocking and painful.
He has been transparent and I do believe 100% remorseful, but I’ve been lied to before, so there is always that niggling doubt. He has memory gaps that are extremely frustrating and hurtful. How can someone not remember something that is so significant to ME? Obviously it wasn’t that significant to him.
He has an uncanny ability to compartmentalize, even his IC says so. He says the farther away he gets from the A; both emotionally and the distance that time provides, the more clearly he sees the absolute irrational thinking that he engaged in. He is ashamed, guilty, and feels so unworthy that I am even speaking to him.
I asked him to tell our kids, which he did within 48 hours. He then went to my parents and my sister and confessed what he had done. Not for himself, but so that I would have the family support I needed. Our false R in 1/10 was not revealed to anyone except our MC & my aunt that I am living with now. I went through that essentially by myself. He is seeking out the counsel of family, friends and for someone who never has sought spiritual guidance before, he has attended church the last 2 Sundays. His first time in church of his own volition—the reading happened to be the parable of the Prodigal Son. God has such a sense of timing, does he not?
Thank you all again for your caring and time spent in responding to me. I will continue to post and eagerly await any advice you may offer. I do not take offense to the truth and I know that all of you are speaking your truth and what is in your hearts.

Short response here. I real all of your posts and I think there is much hope for your marriage. Won't be easy but you are in the right place, this site, and your huband was in a classic bubble of unreality with his affair.

Like I said, I feel much hope for you guys. I think you can make it through this. Best of luck and hugs.