First of all, I must say that I wish I had found SI when I was having difficulty in my marriage. Can't say whether it would have helped to save the marriage or not, but it would have made a HUGE difference in how I felt. I echo so many of the same feelings that you all have expressed. I thought I was going crazy and imagining things. Could not fathom the fact that my husband was behaving in such a way.
The purpose of this post is to state that every bit of advice that is given to newcomers is, IMHO, spot on. I can testify to the damage that is done when rug sweeping occurs---who even knew there was a term for this? There have been so many behaviors, in him, that I choked down and repressed for the sake of "keeping the peace" and "trying to appease' him that now it makes me ill to even think about. But it does come back to bite me in the ass.
It hurts so much to realized that for nearly 28 years I never really mattered to him. That the things that were important to me never were even a blip on his radar. We had such a beautiful family-two lovely daughters and we had such good times together. Just when the empty nest should have been the biggest issue that we had, things fell apart for the final time. I can't believe that he threw me away. But that is a story for another day.
My purpose in writing this is to say that the good folks of SI know what they are talking about and give the advice that I wish I was the recipient of. It might have made all the difference in the world.
So please, newcomers to this site, I plead with you to take the advice that is so lovingly given by those who have suffered through this hell before. Otherwise, you could end up like me; going through this hell because of a second betrayal and realizing (through IC) that issues you believed were resolved (but were rug-swept and never truly dealt with) come back to get you. And it is a total bitch .
I have NC with XH which is definitely what I want but it also leaves me no way to work through these issues. My IC has recommended writing a letter--to send or not, the choice is up to me. I may post it here. I can see now that I made so many mistakes when dealing with my XH betrayal and it makes me weep. I can't believe that it has all comes down to this. I have no one to love me, I let him isolate me from potential friends and I feel so alone while he continues on with his happy life. I made it way to easy for him (I didn't know that my bitch boots were in the back of the closet, still in the box, it's a shame really, because they are red ). Maybe, I'll get to use them in future.
They say year two is hard. Keep hanging in there, and you will make it!
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Eta: you are in the right place
[This message edited by rainagain at 10:53 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]
We were also entering the time of our life where we would be able to enjoy the life we had built. Wonderful children, savings for travel, new hovvies, shared adventures. And now our shared past will no longer be something we share and enjoy together. Time with our children will not be shared. Opportunities have disappeared. And we will once again expend our efforts in building a life as opposed to enjoying the life we had built.
Writing things down can be a wonderful therapy. Sending them is another matter as you have noted, the WS does not get it and it will not bring solace to you.
Isolation. I chose to spend my twenty years of M with my W and kids. My favorite place to be. Now that is gone and I will need to build a life essentially from scratch. I do not know how I will do it but I will give it my best! And I cannot think of a better place to do it than the Lone Star State.
However, the upside is that I met all you fine people! Especially since I was cheated (online) by the relationship that I had a year after my marriage ended. SI, which I had discovered just in the nick of time, brought me through this situation. All the advice given on this site (and I have read a LOT) really made all the difference to me.
I think I'm going to retire my picker, it just doesn't seem to have joined the 21st century.....must have atrophied from 28 years of non-use!
It does hurt like hell--maybe someday it won't.
Is there any partivualr advice you wish you'd been given at any certain times in the process.
My STBXW and I are just starting the divorce process. There won't be any reconciliation so being cheated on a second time shouldn't be an issue.
If there is anything in particular I'd love to know. It's going to be a long crappy ride and just one foot in front of the other for now.
BTW I completely understand the rug sweeping. My wife was having an affair for 8+ months. Upon discovery she took the kids, left the house, and had divorce papers at my door in just a little over a week. It was with my best friend and boss. So yeah she swept the rug and took it while I was airborn.
I'd love to be the guy with some it gets better advice but I'm still the incredulous recipient myself.
I suppose if nothing else knowing others have these stomach knots and tight chests with racing hearts is comforting.
(I only just learned those are hugs)
Our divorce was pretty simple as there were no issues with kids ( they were both adults by this time). So no custody issues for me, However,with that being said, I wish that I had not wasted so much time in the marriage, it could have ended 13 years before it did. It is unfathomable that I put up with this shit as long as I did. What was I thinking? Stupid, stupid me, I didn't recognize the signs for what they were.
Gr8, you can do this! That is what I want to tell you. You can be happy again. I feel so close to that......just endeavor to persevere...that is what my mentor at work would say. And he is right! I can see glimpses of the sunny days ahead (sometimes)
I have had one other relationship after my divorce (lasted a year until he cheated--online and sexting). My confidence is shot because as I'm writing, so many things become very apparent or questionable and that just makes me cry because I feel so stupid. Then I drink wine and cry some more--I'm just pathetic when these feelings occur.
Going to work with a headache from wine and crying; not to mention puffy eyes----this is so NOT my best look
Saleschick, I admire you for being able to look at photos. Haven't been able to do that--in fact, they're in a box for the girls to sort through. Don't think that I'll ever be able to look at them and see how happy we were without feeling just devastated.
I am so thankful about finding this site---you guys make me feel less alone and supported with humor and grace! I would much rather laugh than cry, don't you know?
Hugs and cyber kisses everyone!