About 3 wks ago, after finding out from him that basically everything he had told me (tiny bits of tt here & there) and all I knew about the A were false, I decided to have him write down the timeline of the A - even though he has sworn all along, he can't remember basically anything. He has since, been able to "remember" a few things. I now, once again, know about the time the PA part of it started. Still, he became frustrated and angry and said I would never have enough information and after a year, I should be getting over this.
I realized, we had never truly started R - thanks to this support group, and decided I needed to get away from him and find some clarity in my own head. I took a trip to CA back home (1800 miles away) and so began the worst 2 weeks since Dday. A lot of fighting over the phone over several issues, but fairly R from fights by the time I was to come home.
That night I decided not to ask him all the questions about who he talked to while I was away, what was said and if he had written anymore on his timeline. At 1:30 am he told me BTW, I deleted all my texts & call log, 4 days ago. I was almost speechless. His excuse was "I was mad". No apology no nothing. I went to bed & decided right then, I would commit 100% to 180.
For 4 days, I stayed busy, refused to have any physical contact at all. Barely spoke. He then went to his sister's again and has been gone for 4 days. Since he got there, we have talked on the phone, which made him feel better & gave him "some hope". While at the same time, I felt worse everytime we talked (just realized) because I kept expecting him to tell me some truths, some info, anything, but got nothing.
A couple of days ago, I finally began having epiphanies.
1. This whole year, I have done everything to try to fix things - read, write, printed stuff off for him to read (which some of it he did), waited on him hand & foot, gave him tons of affection & physical contact.
2. He has offered me nothing, though thinks he has been working on things. Only thing he has worked on is watching some of my tv shows with me & recording sports for later when I'm not around. Giving me lots of affection & physical contact. All of which, have not been for me at all, but for him to get his emotional and physical needs met.
3. Even though I thought I had been changing since Dday, I had only been mentally insane and spinning, while doing everything to keep him in the marriage he screwed up.
4. I put him above God I knew I had done this before Dday, but just realized he was still in the way between me & God.
5. I had been praying for God's will & then telling God that his will had to be for us to stay together.
6. Realized that God does have a plan for me, and I have no idea what that is.
7. Became suddenly exhausted with the spinning & the effort and decided I was through trying to control things. Really figured out (though thought I already knew this) that I have no control over what he does or doesn't do, over who he talks to or doesn't talk to. However, I do have control over my actions & reactions.
7. and Finally, I will no longer tolerate a marriage where I am not his 1st priority. I will not do all the work to try to correct his HUGE 6-8 yr MISTAKE. I have written him a list of what i need from him to meet MY Emotional Needs, and if he is willing to do those things (all of them), then I will consider staying in the marriage. If not, I will continue my life & healing by myself for myself & on my own.
I am no longer crazy, no longer panicking about the future, no longer to accept less than I deserve. No longer willing to accept anything other than Rigorous honesty, total Disclosure & Transparency.
This is the most peaceful I have felt in over a year. It is a good feeling that I no longer have to control the issue. Feels good to turn this over to God & let him handle it. Also, turning everything over to my FWH. Also, bought frozen stuff today, so he can fix his own dinner. I am Done building my whole world around him.
When he comes home we will discuss all this and see what he says, and more importantly what he does. All hinges on his change in attitude & behavior. What a relief. I am willing to R, but not committed to anything.