SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

lucy17 posted 9/22/2013 00:57 AM

I worry about this. We live in a small town, including OW. I don't want her to hear it at all, but I definitely don't want her to hear it from someone else. She's only 8. My plan is not to say anything unless she does hear something. But then I have no plan. I don't think there are books for this--how do you have this discussion with your innocent little child?

RidingHealingRd posted 9/22/2013 02:21 AM

I would not tell her unless she found out. My IC advised me not to tell my 20 year old kids. She mentioned some studied that were done and merely asked me to talk to her 1st if I ever got to wanting to reveal my WH infidelity. Sorry, I never got to ask her about the studies.
Sadly, this conversation took place prior to my learning that my 20yr old DS had learned of the A 6mo earlier and was told "not to tell Mom" - this really messed him up but I got him on IC immediately.
Your daughter is so young. I would not burden her with any of this. You may want to consult with an IC and get their opinion.

lucy17 posted 9/22/2013 02:27 AM

Thank you RidingHealingRoad. I agree it is too much too handle (it's too much for me to handle). The A just seems to be trickling out in our small town and I worry about her finding out. I still won't tell her, but if she is told by someone else I would like some advice as to what to say to her. After your reply I can see I would have her talk to IC for sure. I'm just wanting to be proactive in my head at least :-)

roses303 posted 9/22/2013 02:40 AM

I have a 10 and a 12 yr old. They were there on d-day. They know something happened but not the details. I talked to them at length because they were afraid of what was happening. The talk mainly revolved around how daddy had done something stupid and hurt mommy very badly. He was selfish and is now going to have to work really hard to make things right but that he is committed to do that. The kids were comfortable with that.

Later DS asked if daddy was dating our friend the OW. So he had an inkling of what was going on. But I said no but that OW was not our friend any longer and we wouldn't be seeing her or her family again because it wasn't good for our family.

It isn't the best situation but they seem to be dealing with it ok. Their stress comes not from the details but rather the worry that something is happening to their family. We are focussing on reassurances rather than details.

blakesteele posted 9/22/2013 04:12 AM

6 and 9 year old daughters here, small town, wifes AP is high profile figure, they have 5 kids.

We have NOT told our daughters.

I pray every day that God shows them grace and they do not learn of my wifes A. I pray that those that know will find the gossip to be distasteful and not feed it. I pray his kids don't confront my kids following them witnessing their parents arguing about his part in the A. Upon my second DD I confronted my wifes AP on his front porch late at night...his two oldest kids were just inside his door. I kept my voice low but was stern...I suspect they know the nature of my visit. I also believe they know the nature of their father. My first instinct was to NOT confront him...but as the affair continued I chose to do what I did.

Our counselor recommended NOT sharing with our girls other then to let them know my wife and I are working on some things and that we still love them, that we still love each other.

lucy17...for what it is worth....I believe our plan is your plan.

So much is at risk...over such very little gained.

God, watch over and guide us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:15 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Morhurt posted 9/22/2013 09:36 AM

We're in a similar boat, four daughters ranging from 6 to 14, we live in a very small town etc. At first I was terrified they would find out (OW's BS threatened to "hurt them like his sons were hurting" but it's been months now and I'm pretty sure they moved away) but now I don't think they will.

Our daughters have only been told that we are going through a difficult time but love each other very much. We have invited them to ask any questions they would like and promised to do our best to answer honestly.

The hardest part for me is that FWH probably looks extra good in their eyes whereas I'm always sad and in bed.

It's awful having our kids involved in this mess. :(

SoAngryAndHurt posted 9/22/2013 09:51 AM

My 5 and 8 year old were there on dday. It want pretty and they heard everything. It was very traumatic for them. Bottom line is that we talked through it with them and said daddy did something that hurt mommy and mommy is working hard at trying to forgive him. Daddy is very sorry and feels terrible for hurting mommy. I know my 8 year old knows what happened. She overheard a lot. She looks at me and says that daddy is so sorry and he only loves me. Breaks my heart. My younger one knows things aren't right in general.

womaninflux posted 9/22/2013 16:54 PM

I have two kids around that age. Initially, SAWH wanted to tell them that "Daddy did something very bad to Mommy." I totally objected to that...how is that going to help? MC agreed. She said to instead tell them that Mom and Dad are having some disagreements but we are trying to work things out and we both love them very much. If they have any feelings they want to share or questions, they can come to either of us at any time and talk about it some more. This is what we did and so far there haven't been any questions. FWIW, we also live in a small gossipy town. The OW doesn't live here, fortunately, and I have been super careful about who knows about this. My hope is that if people do gossip about it, that they are smart enough to do it out of earshot from kids. Please also remember that even though kids can sense what is up, the concept of marital infidelity is a pretty hard one for them to grasp. Definitely age inappropriate material.

torn2pieces posted 9/22/2013 20:07 PM

I still struggle with this. We live in a small town and things get around quick, amazing they got away with the affair for a year but they did. Anyways I have young kids and two go to the same school as OW's kids. I pray every day noone says anything to them. I especially worry about my 13 year old because she may hear it first if it was to come out. I discussed this with my husband and he did not want to tell the kids and said wed deal with it if it happens. I'm 50/50 on that approach but why let them deal with the pain if they don't need to. Our oldest whos 21 found out because OW told numerous people and that was devastating to her but she really told her dad how that made her feel..huge reality check for him- FWH. I feel for you :( they are only little for so long so why bring them into it if not needed. I also worry how they will look at their dad after and I hate to ruin their relationship. Not easy...

5674emt posted 9/22/2013 20:22 PM

The OW was the babysitter, so we had to say something.

I told them the truth without details. OW wanted to have their dad and wanted to be their new Mommy.

They still ask about her, but they accept that we are no longer friends.