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Being ill is a trigger

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lucy17 posted 9/22/2013 01:10 AM

Last time I was sick, WH used it as an excuse to skip his friend's wedding. He told me, "I'm not glad you are sick, but I am glad we are not going. I really want to go out tonight." So he did. He went out and had good sex with his girlfriend. I'm glad he's away right now and not attempting to "take care of me" while I am sick again. I think I'm glad, but mostly I'm just angry. It brings back a lot of bad memories. He just kissed her the first night and later told me that just kissing her was such a betrayal the rest just kind of happened-like it was inevitable. I wish I could stop spiraling tonight.

blakesteele posted 9/22/2013 06:45 AM


Sorry this is a trigger for you.

Gently...I think most WS do exactly what your husband did. Ignore those around them, sacrifice their energy towards their loved ones for the sake of sending that energy into their AP. It sucks. It is wrong. It does happen.

I offer this up not to minimize what you are feeling, but to console you that you are not alone. Sadly, none of us are alone or unique in how betrayal and triggers affect our world.

God be with you.

struggling16 posted 9/22/2013 17:16 PM

I'll join you in the trigger fest. I'm coming down with a cold and the last time I had a cold was during the A. I remember begging him to take care of me as he walked by the couch. He replied, "There's no point in me getting sick" and went "to the cottage". I remember feeling bereft and confused. I know now where he really went.

I have made myself a cup of hot lemon, ginger and honey and am taking care of myself. He's around and I'm triggering badly. I'm sure it's exacerbated by not feeling well.

Take care of yourself. You're not alone.

lucy17 posted 9/22/2013 18:01 PM

Thank you Blakesteele. Yes, he definitely sacrificed a lot for his fix. It has led me to an epiphany about paralleling his A to a meth addict--he was definitely self-medicating.
(((strugling16))) I'm sorry you are not feeling well and triggering because of it as well. What a club we belong to!

RedRose posted 9/22/2013 18:45 PM

It's a trigger for me too - I read texts from WH to OW when she was sick, asking what he could do/bring her to help her feel better. When I am sick, he leaves for work without a second thought. It hurts that he was so worried about helping her out, while leaving me home to take care of three kids while sick.

cuppacoffee posted 9/22/2013 20:31 PM

That's how I feel about being pregnant right now. He started up his A because he just felt like i was too busy with the kids to be with him. and that he just wasn't ready to be a father for the 6th time.

he said he's happy and in a different place now but he didn't even ask to see the ultrasound picture and I flipped out. i'm afraid she's going to come back into our lives.

VD2012 posted 9/23/2013 21:29 PM

Being sick is a very major trigger for me. In the days prior to my wife's second (and last) encounter with her AP all the way up to D-Day I was extremely sick. Not sure what but we guess extremely bad food poisoning or something. I hadn't thrown up for well over 12 years at that point and all of a sudden I couldn't keep anything down. Not even a sip of water. I dehydrated quickly and in all honesty probably should have gone to a hospital, but I was too weak and stubborn. Figured it would pass. Then figured I was dying. Go figure...

Our daughter was throwing up for a day as well and my wife too (the day following her second encounter). But I took the brunt of whatever it was.

In the days leading up to the second encounter when I started feeling ill my wife mentioned a friend wanted her to go over to their place and watch a movie or something. She'd mentioned it briefly before. In reality he was cajoling her into giving him a blowjob. They had originally planned it for the night in question. I honestly questioned her why she would leave me in a state like that to go out and she didn't answer. Hours later she said she changed her mind and would stay home to look after me. Reality? He told her he was busy and she'd have to suck his dick another day. I actually wish I was kidding.

While expelling every bodily fluid from my body for days on end my wife seemed to try and take care of me. At least when the worst was going on. I even sat in our bathroom, looked up at her and told her how much she means to me and that I was so grateful she was taking care of me and loving me when I was like that. Sure... and she simultaneously bitched to her AP about having to do so.

A mere day after starting to recover from it was D=Day.

All told I barely ate for nearly 3 weeks total and lost almost 40 pounds. My wife had to eventually nearly force me to eat because she feared I was going to starve to death.

Oh, and I rarely get colds or otherwise fall ill, and when I do most people can't even tell. The year following D-Day? Nearly weekly illnesses and constant immune system problems. The stress of her affair was killing me.

This year in the days following D-Day while we were waiting for our son to be born I again fell sick with some sort of stomach flu or food poisoning (this time neither my wife or daughter were sick). I found it deliciously ironic in the worst way that nearly a year to date after I was afflicted by the same thing yet again.

So yeah, being sick massively triggers me and I always think back to that week leading up to D-Day.

It bothers me to no end that my wife was putting someone else (that she didn't even care about no less) above me during such a time. That bit still sticks in my craw.

I have gotten better though which is a sign for me that things are improving. I haven't had a cold in months until just last week and it only bothered me like they used to. Didn't really trigger as much either.

blakesteele posted 9/24/2013 09:33 AM

Yes, he definitely sacrificed a lot for his fix. It has led me to an epiphany about paralleling his A to a meth addict--he was definitely self-medicating.

On my DD I remember thinking "My God, it is if my wife is high on something!". She was so out of sorts, so distant in the eyes yet so fried looking. It was unnerving to say the least.

I am not sure if all affairs have such a strong "addictive" quality to them....but I totally get your analogy.

And just like meth makes a person feel stronger and more alert then they are, it is not real, not sustaining, a fantasy...but the perception by the person on meth makes them think it is in that sense it is real for the WS. What is NOT real is the depth of the connection a WS profess's to have with their AP. I believe that is one of the tougher realizations fWS must face as they come out of the fog....much like a person going through detox goes through.

How deep of a connection can be made with so many lies woven throughout the relationship...lies between people of course, but lies within a persons mind too. Hard to really connect with someone else when you don't recognize yourself.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:38 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

BeautifulEmpty posted 9/25/2013 00:45 AM

I am so glad someone brought this up!
I am triggering all over the place because I've been sick for four weeks now. I've got pertussis...or whooping cough >.< it's really sexy, in case anyone ever wondered. I highly recommend it for an instant self esteem boost.
Anyways, illness messes with me horribly.
I have some chronic illness issues. Have had them forever. My 1st husband took nice care of me as my boyfriend but as his wife, he completely neglected me, during one bout, leaving me in the bathtub, wet...dropping a towel over me and telling me I could stay there..instead of helping me out as I had requested. Just horrible memories. He hated me when I was sick and made no bones about it even though I had learned early on not to ask him for anything I could help myself.
My 2nd husband was my knight in shining armor. He was all about loving. And caring for me, especially knowing where I came from.
But all his forcing me into very unsafe circumstances and nagging me constantly to do things I didn't want to do...I got sicker and sicker and sicker...and depressed...and fat. He got no help for me when I was bedridden with depression almost entirely for 2 years. No help when I was suicidal. He just pursued women who had nothing to do but play happy time with him. I literally lost my life to this crap. And then he abandoned me...and had his first completely without my knowledge affair..all while pretending to work on our marriage..just..separately.
After we supposedly reconciled, suddenly, since I was sick, he needed a new wife and this began the next phase of the worst pain I'd ever suffered in this life. I had improved so much during our separation but I wasn't good enough. I had lost a ton of weight (145 lb) but it wasn't good enough. Nothing about me was good enough and I knew I wasn't safe to be sick so I always had to pretend as hard as I could that I was actually fine...which ended up with me being injured and and and... much pain associated with this subject.
I have chronic health issues despite my best efforts. I am often sick. I don't know how to beat the constantly reoccurring theme of how unsafe I am being sick.:(
Sorry this is a big ramble. The sickness dance is killing me right now cuz four sexy weeks of coughing so hard I vomit and with no end insight just isn't enough.

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